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Comment by the_only_law | Hacker News Reader

I don’t know, maybe it’s just my environment, but I just rarely meet people my age who are single and also interested in a relationship.

I’m not exactly a hermit (or at least I didn’t used to be, the layoff has changed that). I’d go out a lot, to bars, to shows, to various events, etc. A vast majority of the people I meet are either older than me or less commonly younger than me (I stopped going to shows when I realized I was one of the oldest people there). The times I do meet people closer to my age, they are either already paired up or not interested in a relationship.

The only place I can find a “pool” of peers is on dating apps, and I’m not going by to waste my time with those anymore.

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I've ended up blaming tech for this after finding time and again that I meet the most people in the most traditional settings. I'm not single and looking for singles, just friends the same age as me and my gf (early 20s). Most strangers in that age group won't make eye contact or respond to small talk. It's eerie.

So in college, most of my friends were from fraternity BBQs and church, and now it's just church. Half my friends are old enough to be my parents, but idc.

One unusually great example was this chess club I stumbled upon. They're all my age and meet once a week at a local restaurant. There's no group chat or anything, just be there or be square. Meanwhile the boba shop next door is people glued to phones ordering off an iPad and waiting behind a bunch of prioritized mobile orders.

Best places to meet people are shared activities. I meet a lot of like minded (and sometimes single) people at 1. The dog park 2. church 3. Gym 4. At my friend's dinner theater shows

Part of the problem is getting comfortable opening up groups of people. Toast masters helps with that.

Maybe try moving to another country for life experience? Late 20s with no job obligation is the perfect time to try that if you have the resources and freedom for it. Such adventure also makes it easier to meet people.

It worked for me at least.

I was actually planning to do some travel this year, but my nice paying job was eliminated late last year followed by some large emergency expenses. I’d still like to do it, but the economic situation looks kind of grim right now.

You could look for a job abroad, heck, even just teaching English, but it is usually not that hard to get hired as a SWE somewhere as long as you can handle a pay cut (which is usually balanced by a lower COL). This really depends on how much obligations you have back home (e.g. debt, house, car, etc...).

I guess I was lucky because I went abroad right after grad school (so I gave my car to my sister and just left the USA for 11 years), but I was about 30 when I left.

Yeah, as long as OP is fine with paycut, they can move into a lot of European or Asian cities with good dating options

Are you on your 30s, 40s, or 50s and beyond?

Younger. I’m in my mid approaching late 20s. Most of the people I meet tend to be in 40-50.

You are well below the age of the average person to go to (I assume musical act) shows as well as being below the average age of any bar I've ever been to. Perhaps you are picking venues and acts frequented by college students or are overly self-conscious?

It's very weird to be basically at peak age and to not go to events because you're the oldest one there. Were you exclusively going to high school band shows and 18+ events?

In retrospect I think I was hyper focused on a couple of pre pandemic examples that stood out to me. Thinking about it a little more it depends on the genre. I’ve definitely been to some shows that have different demographics.

Sounds like you might be going to the wrong bars/places? I'm late 20s and already married but have friends who are single around my age. My local places are late 30s - 50s with a few people around my age but if my friends want to meet girls I take them to different places where they tend to be a younger crowd (early - mid 20s). If you don't want to drink, you could check out gym classes too - some have decent social circles built around them.

More than that I’m wondering if I’m just living in the wrong places. The place I live right now is generally more associated with retirees, but I’ve never really made a conscious choice to move somewhere. I’ve just drifted where job offers take me.

Yeah that'd be a factor too! However if you have a good friend group I'd not give it up, you will probably bump into someone eventually!

Funny, I'm 40 and almost everyone I meet when going out is 25-30.

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