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Comment by thenerdhead | Hacker News Reader

You have to fill up your cup before you can fill others. Perfectionists are well known to hardly ask for help and in life that's the catalyst for being able to make more time for yourself.

Say no to more things. Spend more time on finding out more about yourself. Start to understand your emotions around the constant trauma you're living through and have lived through.

You don't need to pay somebody $150 for this advice. Go pick up any well known book on stress, trauma, etc and it'll start to make sense.

Here's some to start:

- The Stress of Life

- The Body Keeps the Score

- When The Body Says No / The Myth of Normal

- The Drama of the Gifted Child

- The Courage to Be

- Awakening the Soul

You can also read ancient mythology, philosophy, or religious texts which will repeat familiar stories that help you ponder a deeper sense of purpose. There's many ways to get closer to your soul.

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> You don't need to pay somebody

Your advice is good but there's nothing wrong with getting a professional to help you if you have the means. I've made more progress in the last two years with a good therapist than in twenty years of reading self-help books.

It's hard to overstate how much a good mentor/coach can improve your progress in almost every endeavor.

Sorry my snark was directed at the blog author who is self-promoting. Professional help is absolutely worth the money if you can afford it and make progress that way.

> It's hard to overstate how much a good mentor/coach can improve your progress in almost every endeavor.

Any suggestions how to find a good coach as a SWE? I have 8 YoE and was most recently a staff engineer at a small-ish startup, and the perspective that job gave me has kindled some thoughts about taking my career to the next level, but I feel like I need a little bit of guidance.

I've interacted with a few business/life coaches over the years, and I have found that clicked perfectly for me.

To find them a combination of: - Using search engines for "life coach" or "business coach" in your area

- Find people that you respect in your industry, reach out to them over twitter/linkedin/email/whatever, clearly stating you're looking for a coach, and if there is anyone they recommend.

After you find a few, I suggest just trying them out. Book some sessions and see how it goes. I use these criteria:

- Has worked with engineers in the past.

- Is able to clearly articulate boundaries and approach in the first session

- Willingness to test and measure. Understanding and appreciating the lean startup approach essentially.

- Is solution and goal oriented. Spending weeks/months talking about the problem without attempting solutions is a waste of everybodys time.

- With you can quickly develop a shared understanding of what success looks like.

- Can build a rapport with you, and you can build the trust required for total honesty.

Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful comment.

Totally agree on the The Body Keeps the Score. It was a hard read at the time as the author described hard scenes which I would start feeling anxious just listening about them, but it was necessary for me to understand how is the trauma stored in the body and what to do with it. I totally forgot to add this book in my recommendations. It's added now. Thanks!

I agree, you don't have to pay for my program $75-$150 to overcome Anxiety. You can totally do that with a Therapist or by yourself, which in my case was a combination of both, but also I went through some anxiety programs that gave me information that the Therapist didn't gave me at the time even when working with multiple ones.

I also believe I gave enough tools and practical tips in this article that someone can try and apply in their daily without paying me anything as I am happy to share with them for Free as long as it helps even 1 person. I also was doing that with my podcast while not charging anything. But, I can see your point of view tho!

Seconding "The Body Keeps the Score" as a great resource. It's written in a plain, non-condescending tone and carries valuable insights about self-harming behaviour.

Depending on where one is in their journey, I thought I should mention that this is a great book, but also might not be step 1 if dealing with acute symptoms or struggling not to feel overwhelmed.

I picked up this book around the same time I started seeing a therapist for what I now understand was complex childhood trauma, and I couldn’t manage the content at the time. I dislike the term “triggered” to describe my experience, but the book was too much to handle until I had some more skills under my belt.

Coming back to it later was an enlightening experience.

By all means start reading this book. If you hit a wall, that’s an important signal and I’d consider seeing a therapist.

YMMV, etc.

I also, included a disclaimer that people don't need to buy my program in order to overcome anxiety. I assumed it was clear in the article, but I guess not, so I added that too. Hope it helps :)

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