Suicidal. Was in the psych ward voluntarily for a few days recently. Got better, was discharged, but it’s getting worse again. Tried two different antidepressants without much success so far. Seeing a therapist for more than half a year, spent a ton of money on that. It only seems to get worse, increasingly certain that suicide is the only viable path.

Spent many years living in isolation. I thought that was what I wanted. I had so much social anxiety it was the only way to live I could imagine. But I’ve realized it was deeply unhealthy. I don’t really have any friends, although I am friendly with colleagues. Never had a romantic relationship. At this point, getting either seems insurmountable. Even just thinking about dating fills me with dread and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve heard all the advice: find a hobby, work on yourself, etc. Hearing that advice only makes my suicidal ideation more intense because I don’t see myself doing it.

I can’t live with who I am and I can’t be who I need to be to live. Seems like it’s only a matter of time before I jump in front of a train.