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Comment by strken | Hacker News Reader

Secret life hack: you don't have to answer "what do you do?" by talking about your job. You can talk about literally anything else that you do, preferably something that seems relevant to the person in front of you, and turn it into a more interesting two-sided conversation.

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My wife and I’s favorite game when meeting new people is to try and go as long as possible without talking about our work or asking about theirs. It makes it so much more interesting when careers / jobs finally enter the dialog.

Around a decade ago, I stopped asking people the basic questions, like what they do, where they're from, how old they are, or their gender and pronouns when that is unclear. I find that it's irrelevant and will bias the relationship for no good reason.

I had a good friend with whom I mostly kept in touch over the phone and online for many years, and I didn't know their name until they died and I got a call from their relatives. I still don't know what their profession was.

Just connect and engage with people, and have fun. It's a lot easier to make friends when you drop these arbitrary filters of age, profession, place of origin, gender, and so on. And in some ways, in the time I've spent not trying to get those details anymore, they have become irrelevant to me.

How did you manage to have a phone friend without knowing their name? You’re gonna have to tell that story.

I absolutely agree btw, people are more than just their job. And most hate, or are disinterested, in their work. I’m interested them _them_, not their occupation.

But it’s no secret that many, especially here, make their occupation a fundamental aspect of themselves.

Nickname? There's one guy in my friends group and everyone calls him by his LARP character name. He probably mentioned his real name years ago, but why bother remembering it?

Damn, that should’ve been obvious because of where we are. I even have friends like this — I was thinking about not knowing a name, period.

For a few years I had a random number that would text me on major holidays to wish me a happy whatever. I'd return the sentiment and sometimes we'd talk more, a few times we ended up in long back and forth text threads that lasted a couple days. At some point I admitted that I didn't know who they were and asked their name, it turned out they thought I was someone else and they had the wrong number. After that I stopped hearing from them. I tried reaching out on a couple more holidays but they just ghosted me.

That’s a real shame. Sometimes people need a reason, other than friendship, to be friends.

Not to sound insensitive, but how is it possible to consider someone a good friend without knowing the person’s name?

One of my good friends and I clicked immediately, but I think we went a week or three before we thought “oh, what’s this guy’s name?” It could even have been my wife asking me, and me not knowing that triggered finding out.

Every class together, bike trails, considerable conversation.

Never came up, neither of us thought to ask. We laugh about it now. We both are better at it now, but it is probably a great example of social inept people finding one another and being just fine.

As many are guessing, I only knew their online handle and they only knew mine. That was fine, it didn't impact our friendship in any kind of negative way.

Presumably they referred to each other by their online pseudonyms.

You still need a topic though.

It's one thing to advise people what to avoid, and a completely different thing to give ideas what they could talk about to break the ice instead.

Otherwise it's like: "So, do you like coffee?" "No." "Ah. ... [tumbleweed] ... so, what do you do for a living?"

Most of the time people steer the conversation right back to the two big hitters - how much money do you make and who are you sleeping with.

To those that dont - you are truly the people I actually want to have a conversation with.

I've talked with endless amount of people, people I know since before and people I don't know since before, and I don't think anyone (unless relevant to the discussion at hand) has asked me how much money I make, or who I'm sleeping with.

Maybe it's because I'm not 16 years old, or maybe it's because I don't frequent night clubs in hot metropolitan areas anymore, but that strikes me as very odd that most of the people you end up talking with bring up those two subjects.

People dont ask these things directly ... asking what you do for a living is asking how much money you make.

> 16 years old

Back then they asked what your parents did for a living

I have a genuine interest to know what people do for a living, I don't really care about their paycheck.

I always find interesting how people try to tell how their jobs are interesting but in the end we all know it is boring as hell.

It's amazing how we are willing to do shit stuff so we can be able to pay our bills.

The most interesting of 'genuine interest to know what people do for a living' converstations I have had are with parents of late teen parents ... who want to guide their children towards careers or advice about careers (almost always includes - "there is good money in that" so the same rule applies all the same).

I ruin my health and drain my soul by sitting in a chair all day for $200k a year. Not recommended.

Beats ruining your health and draining your soul by lifting heavy stuff at a construction site all day for $50k a year.

Is it though? The people I’ve met in construction across all spans of life are generally friendlier, healthier and happier than those working the desk jobs and earning more money.

In my experience, yeah. My friends who are pushing 50 and worked a life in construction (physical labor, not managers or working in a office) have really annoying pains in one place or another. I agree that they're generally friendly and perhaps happier, as their job doesn't seem to bleed into their life as much as for my friends who works in offices, but I'm pretty sure their bodies have taken a lot more pain over the years and it's coming back to haunt them as they grow older.

Me too. But what I earn is not even close to half of that.

Haha yep. But if you have a business or plan to have one, it's good to know what people around you do, you never know.

Ahh question #3 steps up, and it is a sibling of #1 on the list: can I make money out of this person

Incredibly bizarre - I literally have zero idea what any of my friends or acquaintances parents did for work when I was a teenager. Parental occupation is simply not a topic of conversation among teenagers. Full stop.

Hmm...maybe it's generational? When I was a teenager (mid-80's) I knew what my friend's parents did for a living. It's not like we sat around and discussed it, but I could have told you what the majority of my friend's parents did for a living (including what company they worked for).

I was a teenager in the late 90s. I don't know how the subject of your parents jobs would come up in teenager conversation.

My dad is too lazy for work and I don't even know what job my mom did for a living before she retired. I mean, I knew the company she worked for, and that it was an office, but I don't know her job title or responsibilities. Why would I? Who the fuck talks to their kids about their work?

That’s definitely a personal bubble type of an answer.

No one I ever knew asked or cared about those types of questions.

If anyone's ever asked:

- what do you do?

- where do you live?

- are you married?

- have any kids?

They're asking about your money and your sex life.

Oh ffs! No they're not! These questions are attempts to establish a connection to you - maybe you work in a similar field to them (or one that they find interesting), or grew up near to them, or have kids the same age.

They are making small talk by asking anodyne questions.

If a stranger asks you “are you married and do you have kids?” and you respond by telling them about your sex life, they will end the conversation with you.

Well, no, they are asking about what your life looks life and what fills it. It’s also subjects which open easy way to relate to someone: “we both have kids”, “we work in related fields/they work in the same field that someone I know”, “we both like this sport”, “we have been around/travelled to the same place”. That offers a wide breadth of conversation starters.

Not at all. Those are valid questions. In some parts of Asia, those are the first questions you'll get, including your salary. You might as well get that out of the way from the start.

> the first questions you'll get, including your salary

How, exactly, is asking what your salary is not asking what your salary is?

I'm going to start saying: "Art Vandelay", Architect

> Most of the time people steer the conversation right back to the two big hitters - how much money do you make and who are you sleeping with.

This is probably the segue I hate the most and consider a deal breaker for any future interaction. A lot of people DO ask directly how much money do you make.

Must be culture or gender specific - I'm over 40 and I've literally never been asked how much money I make.

Are you talking about romantic partners?

Complete strangers, but yes, I can confirm that it seems heavily culture related.

Yup, this is what I do when asked that question, I just start talking about my hobbies instead of what I get paid by others to do. Then I ask them what their passion is, which tends to be much more interesting than what they spend their work-days on.

When I used to get asked: "What do you do?" quite often, I would reply: "I plant flowers". Funny thing is, I still do - but now that I am not in prime "rat race" age, I have slipped away from that answer and usually just answer Med Tech developer" or such.

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