Comment by ncr100 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by ncr100 | Hacker News Reader

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Sounds like you are a sensitive, thoughtful and feeling individual. And you are reaching out to more people, strangers, presenting yourself as a massive pile of broken glass - a poetical description suggesting you'd like to talk about yourself in the context of a Feeling <> Thinking self-ideation. (ADVICE: you might want to naturally add more of that to your life, e.g. a regular poetry class, or write a daily Haiku, so EXPRESSING YOURSELF BECOMES YOUR LIFE.)

ADVICE: it's going to continue to require mindfulness, ongoing for the rest of your life in order to maintain the kind of mood-state that you desire.

Sounds like you label yourself as week and unhealthy thinking. Soooooo ADVICE ... challenge that as being "correct for the moment" and "maladaptive". It's still adaptation. And you've got a long life ahead of you to update your Stimulus > Response chain brain.

ADVICE: Look for healthy activities which support your mood - for me it's simple daily exercise - and look for thought-patterns that help "tank" you, with the aim of recognizing them when they pop up again. Counselor can help you recognize, "Oh that was a boost for me, I'll think about how to incorporate more of that into my routine."

ADVICE: Give therapy SIX MONTHS to show signs. AND tell the counselor the Criticism that you tell us, here, EVERY SESSION in some little or big way, for that six months, until it changes. The counselors can be there to guide YOUR thinking and action, not to do the living FOR YOU.

STORY A reason they could be saying "do things you like", is because you don't appear to do things you Truly like, from their perspective. Typically with children of Narcissists, the child's emotional needs are neglected. Sooooooooo you might be underdeveloped in a few ways around self-fulfillment. Google "CEN neglect narcissist". Accomplishments aside, what makes you happy, and what do you want?

Thank you so much, very thoughtful response! I like your observation on the pile of broken glass. I enjoy describing things poetically / with mental pictures / with analogies. I've never thought about it really, though.

My childhood dream job was being a pilot, but my eyes are slightly too weak for the medical thresholds. I still have that passion for aviation. I'm always excited to go to the airport, or see planes flying by. There was a time when I could identify which plane was flying 40000ft above me just by its size/shape/shape of its contrails. I played a lot of flight simulator in my teenage years.

Funny thing is, accomplishments made me happy at least in the past. I come from a small rural village and my family had money struggles when growing up. With a lot of hard work and isolating myself during my undergrad I managed to get into a very competitive MSc. program in one of those universities everyone knows. That gave me a big boost in confidence and made me feel good about myself. It also helped getting into the prestigious research group I am in now. But at/after the MSc. I somehow became disillusioned with academic/work achievement and realised just how uneven the playing field is (I met many very privileged people at that uni). And also that it's more important to go your own path rather than adhering to what society tells you to do (because, in slightly Orwellian terms, what society tells you to do is certainly influenced by fat bellied, suit wearing people in board rooms).

Other than that? I guess I've always been into sports. I like "optimising" my health (but not to an obsessive degree). I like great literature and philosophy (although I'm sometimes thinking it's a form of escapism for me and that I secretly want to heal myself by absorbing some of the insights). I like the outdoors and nature. I like travelling and being in motion.

You are welcome, fellow internet stranger. Being human can be complex, and it can be healthy to nurture conversations like this. Hopefully this HN forum will provide you with kind, friendly guidance and feedback.

Thank you for sharing so much about your life! Fills my imagination, and gives me some details to better sympathize with your path.

Way to go, is a compliment I'd like to pass. I speculate you enjoy the achievement of adventure. Like, your concept of "living well" appears to me to include this kind of adventure. I think it's fair to also say, you deserve to be celebrated. ADVICE So .. maybe include some of that in this '23 post-breakup "making my life better" survival pivot?

ADVICE Having a mentor (savvy to education-field competitiveness) might help with the uneven feeling you describe. Has that worked out before, or if you tried and it did not, was it also toxic for you? I imagine that being disadvantaged versus another person can be turned around and made to feel more of an exciting challenge. The "life is a game" approach - and I know well how (negative, positive) emotions influence reality, so that can also be a part of the game.

You are a human and we're at the top of our planet's food chain. We are a product of millions of years of evolution, and your mental process is going to be sophisticated. Keep respecting the challenge of knowing yourself. You seem to be introspective, and actively doing this.

(This may be more for me than you:) There are still magical moments yet to unfold for you, biologically speaking. (The onset of adult thinking around puberty is not the last change to look forward to.) And finding a companion person who is maybe good for making kids / a home, and is a friend, is a wonderful form of support when it is healthy. Plus we all come with mental/emotional baggage - so, wisdom / self awareness, and self-control are generally useful IMO.

> Funny thing is, accomplishments made me happy at least in the past. [...] get into a very competitive MSc. program [...] made me feel good about myself.

This is a significant observation - identifying what's rewarding after you accomplish. Feeling good is part of it. Knowing deeply how 'feeling good' matters to you can be useful. Maybe I'm talking more at myself than you here, sorry if so. There is also the motivation of BEFORE, how did you get there in the first place? "[...] a lot of hard work and isolating myself during my undergrad I managed to [...]" Why did you do it? What kept you studying and practicing?

I don't yet know, how Motivation to achieve and then the end Reward interact with each other. I know that my thinking is sometimes my worst enemy, telling me the Reward is no longer worth the effort, and simultaneously I lose my Motivation. There was some brain-science articles / medical notes I was looking at the other day that diagrammed some of how this works (partly in the context of Meth making it impossible for users to be happy, yuck) which might be assuring to you too, if you can find it.

For you, the "I like XYZ" stuff is critical, I think. The adventure of life. Yes there is reward, though it may be (internet stranger speculation ...) that just Seeking could be a bit more important for your mental health.

And, I'm sorry the relationship fell apart - that's complex stuff.

EDIT: +1 for unexpected poetry. Art is I think a part of the human experience.

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