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Comment by ofchnofc | Hacker News Reader

> Assuming are a male and your spouse a female, you are quite right to be concerned that not working for the several years is not likely going to go well.

Huh? OP has basic needs covered, isn't in direct threat of being deported, can we please not subtley reinforce the made-up things that trigger identity crisises in these types of folks?

Like I get it, it's HN, so half the answers are going to be some highly ignorant advice to just double down on the self-imposed identity crisis, but can we please just not?

OP, you are worthy of love and respect, regardless of your employment status. And you are worthy of your own love and self-respect. I think you have valid reasons why getting employed is challenging for you, but I would encourage you to take solace in other parts of your identity that you are proud of.

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Is it made up that finances are one of the primary reasons for divorce? Also, that women tend to leave more so than men if the men make significantly less (or none) than them?

Male unemployment increases the chance of divorce by a third: https://time.com/4425061/unemployment-divorce-men-women/

> Contemporary husbands face higher risk of divorce when they do not fulfill the stereotypical breadwinner role

You may be worthy of love and respect regardless of your employment status but that isn't what happens in real life.

Wowie. Maybe just maybe folks have bigger issues than "my identity as a man is dependent on having a job". But again, I have existed in queer and 30-yr-and-below spaces for so long that this is just absurd to me. Even the straight friends I have would openly scoff at this.

If the response to this is "well I better embrace my identity as a man who only has worth via a job and deserving of love in exchange for money"... then yeah, /r/arethestraightsokay ?

Sometimes I just wish I could instill a sense of "this is YOUR life, your ONLY life" for others the way I've embraced in my late-20s. So many people barreling faster and faster ahead to avoid any examination of their actual relationship to happiness. And then the masses to give excuses for why an unexamined life is unavoidable (lest they consider their own).

If you want to have kids and a big family, there are obligations that come with that unless you want to do everything your own way and encounter whatever happens. If your friends are unmarried or childless and not thinking of changing that, there's no context for this to make sense to them. That's all I'm gonna say since a few comments up is some guy derailing the convo to take jabs at OP.

Women sue for divorce more than men, regardless of earning disparity.

It does seem made up. I think it should be backed up with references. Also, it's really unhelpful for OP's question.

It's perfectly normal for men to earn less than their SO. Statistically it would be the case in 50% of couples, in an ideal world with gender equality.

Also, in any relationship, there will be moments where one person is out of work and dependent on the other (laid off, take care of kids, take care of parents, burnout, etc).

It's a component. "Breadwinner" is a common pattern for showing up, so if that is your only model for what you do, and you can't do it, then you are up a creek.

But it's not the only way. You simply need to be able to show up, follow through on your commitments, and be a value add for your partner's life. Many find that money is the most natural way to do that, but it's far from the only model.

I'm sure financial stress takes a toll on couples. Just like in this case, some self-imposed sense of obligation and identity is taxing this man. It seems, probably, very artificially.

And gasp, yes, younger generations are absolutely seeing men taking time off and relying on the woman's income. You know, open conversations, open-mindedness about "gender roles", openness about alternative lifestyles other than the clearly-so-successful straight monogamous couple with 2.5 children and a picket fence. Turns out happiness looks different to folks that have a genuine choice and exposure to alternative lifestyles.

I honestly just can't with this stuff -- I forget what it's like going from gay/queer spaces back to straight world. Y'all get hung up on the absolute silliest, most sexist, unfair stuff that ironically is actually a serious issue worth consideration in the grand scheme of advocating for men.

Nah, it's true, but it's not helpful right now. Comes off as just wanting to look down on OP.

I got a similar answer from a fellow student when I got rejected from a master's program on a technicality and was asking how to appeal, "you're not good enough." Well I got a job instead, and that guy's arrogance gave him -$50K, 2 years gone, and graduation during a horrible job market.

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