I realize this is a humor article, but I don't think it's very funny (except perhaps the part about business stock photos). I mean, I have none of these feelings that corporate headshots make subjects "end up looking like well-dressed hostages".

They're just photos of people in suits. What would you expect them to look like? You could write this same article about virtually any photographic portraits of humans. Just feels like an author trying to be "edgy" by blowing up his own preconceived notions in a way that doesn't reflect reality.