Comment by zucked | Hacker News Reader

Comment by zucked | Hacker News Reader

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I _constantly_ try to evaluate where I stand with people. If they bought the most recent round of drinks, the next one is on me. If we split dinner, I'm thinking about how their total averaged out compared to mine. If I paid for something, I'm thinking about how much I add to their ledger. I have a "disadvantange" threshold of ~$100 where I won't say anything, but if the imbalance continues to tilt in their favor and they don't do anything to correct it, I might start insulating myself from their financial involvement..

I'm sure most people don't care about it as much as I do, but I have this deep-seated need to make sure I'm as square with as many people as I can be and I expect the same from everyone else. It's not just about being owed, it's about owing, too. I wish I knew where it came from. I wish I was better about just letting it go.

"I _constantly_ try to evaluate where I stand with people. "

I am, or rather used to be, quite similar. Now I am much more relaxed, as I think I understand better what a gift is. It is free and comes ideally with no strings attached. Otherwise it is an transaction. And it is a bad idea, to mix them up. My default is to consider a gift as a gift and nothing more.

I just give and take freely.

If you think too much about it, it can destroy a lot.

Also, there is more than money. Maybe the one guy bought more rounds, but then he unloaded his problems on the others. Or not. So what? Life is not a balance sheet, that needs to sum up. But if you try to make it one, you might find the joy is getting lost somewhere in those numbers.

It's interesting because I — and as far as I can tell, most of my circle — do a similar sort of thing but it's much fuzzier. Nobody is really keeping track of particular dollar amounts, but we seem to have excellent group memory of who last bought who what, who paid for the last round of drinks, etc. I wonder which style (particular vs. fuzzy) is more common.

Thinking I could be insulated because of 10x $10 differences that I thought were close enough makes me sad. I think insulating can be fine, but hopefully your friends know you well enough to know why or you tell them explicitly. Could be in each transaction to split you making sure you're square, or doing a bulk square up.

Some therapists like specific goals like this, for fixed periods of time. Doesn't have to be open ended. Spend X weeks working through the challenges of letting this go.

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