Would you ask this of a woman?

Why do you assume there is something wrong with OP's appearance, and that it is OP's fault if someone doesn't like how he looks? Because he is a man?

Oh boy this question is a hornets nest, but I'll poke it. Of course it's how I come across. If I looked and acted like Tom Cruise I'm sure first impressions would be much different. That's what this is about by the way, first impressions, and only first impressions. We're talking about pre-judgment. We're talking about people assuming I'm something that I'm not. We're talking about stereotypes. You know, cultural stereotypes.

Let me lead this hornets nest with this: I'm trying to be honest and constructive here. I could use outside perspective, as I can only see my situation from within. I've done a lot of thinking on this over the years, asking myself "What is it about the first impression that I'm trying to overcome?" and "What is it I need/want to change?"

As near as I can tell it's because I am (and come across as) a fairly successful, put together, middle aged white man. And my gut tells me that this is because this specific combination of stereotypes "triggers" a common set of automatic defensive mechanisms in people. And so they expect the worst from me out of the gate.

Being a strange man immediately paints you as threat in the eyes of a significant percentage of women. My experience is that you only have one thing on your mind, that you're lying to them to get something etc. When asked why I've been told this straight up by women. I feel bad for what they must have experienced, but I'm still being pre-judged.

The "middle aged guy" part is pretty self explanatory, I represent the old guard, the old flawed thoughts, the patriarchy. If you see me as out of touch, then I'm part of the problem, and so of course you're going to take a defensive posture, maybe even try and set me straight.

Being "put together", people automatically assume you're the successful jerk type that steps on people etc. I'm not showy or in your face, but I do have a certain confident presence. I've been told it's intimidating. Combine that with some likely buried envy and resentment towards achievement, and it makes you an easy target for classist angst. You know, Occupy Wall St. types. I'm not saying that I'm all that, but dang if there aren't a ton of people that subconsciously want to pull you down a peg or two.

Being a white man falls into the current "white man patriarchy bad" trope which is all the rage in Hollywood these days. A year or so ago I was watching a movie (I forget which) with a girl I was seeing that had your standard rich entitled white guy villain you just love to hate on, and the usual group of brave underrepresented people fighting back. At one point during a scene with the evil white guy, she said out loud "You know I'm starting to hate white men". Mind you, this was coming from a white/Jewish woman! I looked at her and was like "Whoa, really? That's kind of offensive as I'm a white man". She said it wasn't about me, which of course it wasn't, but clearly there are significant subconscious cultural forces at play here. As an aside: I swear the Hollywood types are the biggest sexists/racists out there, because they literally cast roles to match pre-conceived race/gender stereotypes. Strong/smart/pretty white woman here, oppressed minority who wont back down there, smart Asian over here. Middle aged white guys have been relegated to harmless "Tim the Tool Man Taylor" idiot types, fat balding police types, or entitled rich dudes. I guess I fall into the latter. sigh

Combine all these things together and yeah, I'm sure it's intimidating on many levels. People don't see me, they see a strawman, the kind our current social climate says "here's the problem". I get this the worst from customer service rep types, who really don't care if someone like me is having a bad day and just needs help. So much time spent trying to overcome these barriers.

I'm not saying woe is me. I know how I come across is my problem. My original comment was just pointing out society doesn't look out for young men. These attitudes I see say more about persistent cultural stereotypes against men than they do about me.

Lastly, yes I'm aware that I also hold these stereotypes, that's why they sting! I can't tell where their stereotype ends, and my presumption of a stereotype from their side begins. But the distrust is real.

Please be constructive here, outside perspective on this is good. I can only see my situation from within.