“I consent that Stripe can hold my money for ever and ever without recourse or any way to connect with them. Every once in a while an account may simply be taken over as sacrifice to the gods and it may very well be my account”

Not every contract term is enforceable. And every contract has an implied obligation of good faith and fair dealing.

I’m not saying this is a sure winner: I don’t know the case law well enough to have an opinion. But I don’t think it’s capitalization-level obvious. And really the goal would be to get the attention of a human at Stripe who can just fix it.

Are you a lawyer? Did you ever talk to one about an issue you had? You'd be amazed how much wiggle room for action a good lawyer can find on an issue that seems cut and dry at first.

I'm not a lawyer of course, but I don't think it's as simple as saying you signed it. You could give up your right to any form of holidays or accept to offer your first born in case of default on a contract but those clauses would be unenforceable when presented to a judge.

The fact something is in a contract doesn't make it legal or enforceable.

That does not absolve them from abiding to applicable law.