In Memory of a Giant ( Chris Seaton)
tenderlovemaking.com
tenderlovemaking.com
What always puzzles me about these cases is the degree to which the balance of all that was good in that particular life has been outweighed by whatever was or felt so bad that there seemed to be no alternatives left. It's just too painful to really analyze and think about.
The experience is literally overwhelming. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by fear or overwhelmed by anger or anxiety you can relate to the idea that a simple rational list of the situation calmly spelled out doesn't shake the chemical, emotional, biological experience of it all. Depression/suicidal thoughts just operate on such a longer, slower, methodical time scale.
Yea, you can list all the reasons you should be happy (and that can help ... Sometimes. Or Eventually.) but it doesn't shake that you just aren't. And the that "make you feel depressed" — personal conflicts, life circumstances, jealousy etc. — well sometimes it's just what you fixate on when you're feeling that way, but not exactly because of it.
It's a strange experience and I'm thankful I've had years of distance on the other side of all of that.
This is so sad. :-(