Comment by throw6286185 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by throw6286185 | Hacker News Reader

Parent Full thread

Also posting anonymously, for obvious reasons. They say narcissists can't change because either they're unaware of their plight or they "embrace" it. Yet I have many narcissistic personality traits, I'm aware of it, and I hate it. I try to correct myself but it's not working well.

Some examples. The minute someone "crosses" me (or I feel they have, even if they haven't) I completely remove myself from the relationship. That doesn't work too well for jobs, romance, or friendship. I can become extremely aggressive when someone who I feel should be paying attention to me, doesn't (typically, a bored bank teller). I have strong road rage. I never make myself vulnerable, never say what I really think or how I really feel.

In general I consider that I deserve everything, and should be on top of the world. Since I'm a nobody, the space between what is and what should be is incredibly hard to bear. I hate everyone but the person I hate the most is me.

It's easy to identify what needs to change, but very difficult to act upon a specific behavior in the heat of the action.

Good luck to you both. Life is hard especially when we aren’t what we thought we were and reality was different than we thought. Shifting frame and changing what life as we experience it from then on is scary. When it strikes to the heart of our self image and ego it’s beyond scary, it’s terrifying. Congratulations. I found a way to build self awareness is vipassana meditation. The entire focus of the practice is learning how to be aware of your thinking mind without being reactive to its direction and recognizing your senate mind as an equal, but both subservient to your base awareness which is the actual you. You might find the NPD part of yourself lives in the thinking / striving mind and by holding it in awareness it loses its power. This has worked for me.

You’re on a great path already, buddy. Even if you don’t know yet how to escape your inner hell. I used to have a lot of anger as well, and sometimes still do, but also felt guilty about it later on, and knew it was unjustified. It’s all about the unresolved deeper issues. I’d try to find a therapist experienced with NPD that you can also trust completely, and trust the process.

Unresolved issues…

The EMDR technique specifically has helped me here where as years of talk therapy helped me self awareness but didn’t help change the my initial reaction to triggering events.

Thanks for sharing some examples! Funnily I'm trying to develop some of the traits and encourage my more humble friends to do the same.

For example, I find that not believing I deserve anything actually led to people treating me badly in the past. And developing a healthy dose of "I deserve this" mentality has improved my day-to-day interactions and even relationships.

Another thing I learnt much later in life was that wanting success is the first step of... success, and there is nothing wrong with grand dreams.

Maybe I need a narcissist friend and exchange notes.

> Maybe I need a narcissist friend and exchange notes

I know you're making a joke, but be careful: you are exactly the kind of person a narcissist will latch onto and take advantage of.

> not believing I deserve anything actually led to people treating me badly in the past

People who treat others badly will seek out people with self-esteem issues, because they will come back for abuse again and again. Whereas a person with high self-esteem will not put up with abuse.

Good luck with your self-esteem boost!

> People who treat others badly will seek out people with self-esteem issues, because they will come back for abuse again and again. Whereas a person with high self-esteem will not put up with abuse.

Not just that, that kind of relationship presents itself (at least on the surface) as the comfort zone of both parties. The narcissistic end gets the validation and self-esteem boost. And the person with more self-doubt hears what they already believe in (even if they're trying to change it).

That's why it can be a dangerous path because a narcissist (pretty much by definition) is not there to help you make progress, they're there to reinforce their own ego.

> I never make myself vulnerable, never say what I really think or how I really feel.

Isnt this comment of yours exactly this? Being vulnerable, saying ehat you thing, how you feel?

Anonymously. I suspect that matters.

But I think you're right, that even doing it anonymously is something. It's a step.

Yes, doing it anonymously makes a big difference.

"Never" here is not meant by the parent as an absolute law of nature. If he is like that 99% of the time, but that one time he did confess it and been vulnerable to a friend, it still qualifies.

Besides, this is admission is a meta-case (which is also done anonymously through a throwaway account)".

At least you have an insight and want to fix it, go seek therapy for otherwise you’ll have a miserable existence.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com