Hacker News Reader

Comment by zoklet-enjoyer | Hacker News Reader

I can focus better on what someone is saying if I'm not looking at them. Sometimes it's detrimental because others think I'm not paying attention. If I do look at a person's face while speaking with them, it is most beneficial to me to look at their mouth and read their lips while I listen. But then I'm like aware that I'm staring at this person's mouth so then I'll fake eye contact by looking them in the eyes but blurring my vision slightly. I'm not sure if that looks weird, but I think people don't notice. Nobody has ever said anything about my eyes looking odd. Or maybe they just think that's how they are.

View on HN

Same. If I want to give what someone is saying my full attention, that means I don't even want my eyes to take some of my focus.

I'll usually close my eyes and nod along to what they're saying.

This isn't effective because a lot of people talk with their facial expressions as much as their voice. I focusing requires this much effort for you you should consider getting help. This approach may work for you but would be very alienating for many people you encounter, even if they are too polite to say so.

It definitely is effective for paying attention. It may not be effective for making people perceive me as attentive, but that's not my goal.

That works better in Finland than in Italy.

I also tend to stare at the mouth of the person I’m talking to!

Which, I think, makes it look like I’m looking at their chest because the women I talk to almost invariably adjust their shirt in a way that suggests they’ve become uncomfortable (because they think I’m looking at their chest)

No, they would know by the angle of your eyes if you were staring that low.

Looking intensely at someone's lips is at times the prelude to a kiss. I think this ambiguity makes them uncomfortable.

I always thought it depended on how closely seated you are to the other person? The closer we are (e.g. seated next to each other over dinner), the higher the chances of the aforementioned reaction.

That actually helps if you're hard of hearing, or if the person has an accent that you have trouble with. The visual data from what their mouth is doing helps you interpret the audio data. (You don't have to know lipreading for this to work, BTW - though true lip reading would help more...)

That actually explains a lot because I am, in fact, hard of hearing on one ear since early childhood!

EDIT: typo

I also find I often look at the mouth of the person I'm speaking with but don't encounter the responses you have. Not sure why.

I swear I’m not looking at their chest!

Hey! My lips are up here!

Oh, sorry! Ummm…were you saying something?

Same here. I assume a thinking pose and look at a corner in the room - that should signal that at least my attention hasn't strayed elsewhere more significant.

My another strategy is to make occasional eye contact while blurring my vision. To them, I'm making eye contact, whereas for me, it's not that different when I'm looking at the corner.

Yeah I’m really good at those hidden 3d pictures. I can split the focus of my eyes super quickly and will do that sometimes while looking at someone if I feel like I’ve not looked at their eyes for too long. On zoom if I’m really listening I’m literally turning my head to the side and possibly closing my eyes.

I can also make my eyes go parallel, and it's fun to be able to stare into both of someone's eyes at the same time :)

> To them, I'm making eye contact

If you think people can't tell the difference you're gravely mistaken. I also have issues with this sort of thing, but it just requires additional work on my part. Assuming your conversation partner can't read is almost invariably a mistake.

Same. Though I prefer a gentle nudge for confirmation that they're finished speaking.

For me it falls as a "dont care" if we use a Karnaugh map/truth table; i'd more likely believe that "looking somebody in the eyes" for conversation has evolved from some trust issues similar to hand-shaking to show a form of trust.

I've had many-a-day playing some relaxing/intense video games, all the while having very in-depth conversations with both people online (no eye contact there) as well as with people in the same room who were also playing video games.

People that think you are not paying attention just need to both learn and understand that not everybody is the same in how brain functions work; we are also taught to take notes in lectures as well, and as far as I recall, there was no staring the lecturer in the eyes while I was writing shit down... (and then mulling over data and questioning as needed)

I agree a lot. You make eye contact to catch nuances in meaning of a socially laden topic, or when you want to gauge the other persons reaction to what you're saying etc. Different topics just require different levels of eye contact.

There are some people though, who are clearly very socially apt who almost stare at you while they keep talking, which actually seems weird to me. Firstly, what are they looking at? It seems kind of shameless to say it crassly. Secondly, they don't gesticulate with their eyes, which makes them harder to read.

The entire idea that someone has a problem with "holding eye contact" is misguided in my opinion. It doesn't explain what you could do to fix it, and focusing on where you are looking is most certainly going to make it worse because your visual attention is a low-level function that is supposed to work unconsciously. What one might have a problem with is not caring about the person you're talking to, or whether you catch some vague implication, or that they understand exactly where you're coming from. And if that's the problem, it's at least possible to work out some kind of solution for oneself.

I tend to look at the person's mouth too, especially when I'm watching tv. My wife told me it's common in autism which seems to be true? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2555425/

The unfocused vision is quite obvious to some, I’ve had people complain that I look through them.

Same here. I feel like I'm hyper-focusing on their facial features and expressions instead of their words. When I'm looking away I can devote my full attention to their words (and tone).

I've overcome this to a degree with a lot of practise, but it's not my comfort zone.

It depends on the person. I can’t look at someone directly who I find attractive, otherwise I just get over it and try to lock eyes because I want to treat ppl how I want to be treated, can’t have it both ways.. no one’s perfect though.

I just tell people that I get distracted by facial expressions and I look down or away to really focus on what they are saying.

What helps for this is to not look at their eyes, instead just look at the bridge of their nose between their eyes. For them it'll be as if you are looking straight into either eye.

Same. Blury vision trick and all. We are not alone.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com