Ask HN: I will become a father tomorrow, what advice could you share with me?
I saw in yesterday’s poll that there’s a huge group of potential fathers here. I’d like to learn from your experiences
As your kids progress through their teenage years, they will distance themselves from you. They may lie about what they are up to. They might argue with you, shout at you, and cut you out of the discussion even when you desperately want to be involved. You need to recognise when this is beginning to happen and change your method of parenting to become less telling, and more guiding, letting the rope out and providing a secure nest for them to come back to thats free of judgement and accusations. This will be incredibly hard for some people, and can honestly take a very long time to get right. During this time they are psychologically trying to find their own way and independence, and this is normal. Just be there to gently guide.
If you are kind, loving, guiding, involved, and nurturing, you can't really screw this up.
You've got this. Just keep in mind the above for 12-15 years from now for your own sanity.
One minute you're changing diapers, next thing you know they are walking, then they're in middle/high school and have their friends they'd rather be with. As hard as it was I still tear up a little watching old video clips of ours as a toddler.
It’s actually baffling to me to think about my own childhood and how long it felt to me then - only for it to go by so quickly from the other side.
1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)
2) There is no point comforting a crying baby (when there's nothing actually wrong) - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary.
3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.
4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it.
5) Ignore any advice you don't like.
3) Definitely; newborns eat, sleep, and poop. Mostly sleep. Take advantage of this. Sleep when they sleep, run errands, go out to eat, etc. You may develop an unjustified feeling that "I'm a great parent, look at how satisfied my kid is - they so rarely cry! What are all these other parents whining about?" Nature will punish you for your arrogance.
4) Your experience can also vary with subsequent children. This is also normal.
5) The most important bit of advice.
For some of my own:
6) From newborn through toddler (at minimum) kids don't have much agency (if any) and don't have the brain capacity to control impulses. There is no such thing as spoiling a baby or young toddler - and yes that is something people tried to tell us. Spoil them as much as you can. They won't remember it but they will remember feeling loved.
7) Babies and kids regress. You will think you mastered a sleep routine and schedule, all will go well for 3 months, then they'll suddenly go back to waking up every 2 hours for no apparent reason. Don't panic, this is normal.
8) It is tempting to order tons of baby and kid products, especially with the first. A lot of it ended up being a waste. We learned to keep the essentials on-hand but for other things wait to see if it was needed.
9) Don't be afraid to be the villain. It was my job to discuss what mom wanted and be her advocate during the birth process and sleepless newborn days. For example: my first was born with complications that led to a C-section so my wife was under for a bit after he was born. Family wanted to come in immediately but I told the nurses that absolutely no one was allowed in our room with the baby, no matter how pushy they were. I knew how important it was to mom that she held the baby first. I made some family members mad and I have zero regrets about that. They eventually got over it.
10) If sleep is important to you find a sleep training strategy you like and implement it once you're past the newborn stage. No matter how much work you think it is when you see other parents taking 2 hours to get their toddlers to sleep you'll be glad you started early.
Kids thrive with structure but it takes discipline to maintain consistency.
It’s not magic, in a nutshell it just makes sure your kids have a very reliable routine and they are never super tired or super hungry.
Goodness springs from there.
It has worked like a charm 4 times straight, but your mileage may vary.
Other sleep tips, as they get older:
- No reading in bed near bedtime, ever.
- No playing in bed near bedtime.
- No nighttime routines except short short hugs and kisses. No tucking in.
- Train them to put their pajamas on by themselves and brush their teeth by themselves as soon as they are physically able to do those things, and make sure they do it without help each night.
- No toys in the rooms except stuffed animals and similar bedtime items.
- If they get in the habit of calling for you unnecessarily at night, start taking stuff away each time you come (e.g., their least favorite stuffed animal). That alters the risk/reward ratio for them and they'll stop calling for you for no reason very quickly.
Why, please? Everybody does this. Does it prolong the time to get to sleep?
For me, it was an incredibly difficult time to adjust. I'm selfish with my time, I need me time, I need creative thinking - and it went away.
It's easy to become a shadow of your former self trying to be the best father. My advice is, find balance. Find time for yourself, make time for your partner. She will need that time alone too.
Your job as a father, during the first year, is to make sure the baby survives. That's it. Don't think you'll always be able to make it stop crying, or think you can attend to its every need. You'll be lucky if you can put it to sleep. The first year is rough, baby wants mum, a lot. You're the supporting actor, you won't be the lead act. It will feel unfair, that no matter how hard you try, you can't deliver.
Finally, know that the first 6 months are the hardest. It gets easier, and the 2nd year is easier than the first, etc. Don't lose yourself and be patient, compassionate, and understand: life won't be your life anymore. It's about the family's and it hurts, but it's so much deeper and so much more interesting. This will be the biggest growth you'll ever accomplish as an adult, becoming a father.
So enjoy the best of it (they grow up so fast), and brush off the bad parts. Embrace dad jokes and becoming that dad, because humour is the best weapon to the loss of your personal life.
Good luck, all the best.
Unhappy stressed out parents create unhappy stressed out kids.
Sometimes you have to be selfish in the short term so you can be a better parent in the long term. Its a balance but you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I raised three children. I don't have a lot of advice to offer because you make it up as you go. That happens because every child comes with a personality, as a unique individual. You need a lot of patience. Raising children takes up a lot of time and energy, so the more help you have from a spouse/partner and family the better. And you need to remember that you don't get to shape or coerce your child into something you want. They will have their own ideas.
My wife and I agreed on a few rules before we had our first child. We never hit our children for any reason, not even a spanking. We didn't raise our voices to them. We never forced them to do anything against their will except for a few cases of potentially serious injury or death.
My mother tried to frame mistakes I made in terms of the behavior rather than as something inherent to her kids. She would say "You did a wrong thing" rather than "You are a bad person." I tried to remember that with my own kids. Children make lots of mistakes and will try your patience as they get older, so you will have plenty of chances to hone your skills.
Children are not going to say, "spend time with me". They are going to say, "look at this!" or "I like it when it rains" or "Im bored with school " and these are just some of the millions of ways they are asking for your time and attention. If you dont give it to them, theyll find people who will, and the outcomes will not be what you expect.
- Becoming a parent is like joining a monastery. Really. You are cut off from your friends. Your life becomes a series of chores in devotion to a higher being. It is exhausting and nobody tells you this beforehand for some reason.
- We never let our child be alone in a room, crying. I realize that there are strong feelings about this, but we chose "attachment parenting" and are happy with it. It's possible that it led to our son having little interest in having adventures in the wide world. It's hard to know what's right, but this felt right.
- Growing a child is like growing a plant of an unknown species. You don't know if they need more water or less; more sunlight or less. You may be an oak tree, but the child may be a rose bush. So you just have to listen and try things.
- I interacted with my son on the theory that anything I say to him when he is three, he will remember when he is thirty. So I always spoke to him with respect.
- Never argue with a toddler about how its time to get in the car. When they scream "no" just wait 45 seconds and ask again. The answer will turn to yes within a couple of minutes with no arguing or yelling needed.
- No matter how it looks, your child is always watching you. If he resists being taught (as mine did), just do things around him that he can witness.
- My son resisted learning how to read and write. But when we was twelve he responded to a one paragraph writing assignment by writing 30,000 words (in one big paragraph). He wrote and published a novel before he was 21. So, be patient.
- This is how hard it is to be a mother: my wife once floated the idea of putting my infant son up for adoption. I realized she was suffering from extreme exhaustion and post-natal depression and we dealt with that. But, geez, that's how hard it is. Sometimes you just feel you can't go on unless you get a break.
Would you explain more about arguing with the toddler about getting into the car?
You're taking away protection, some level of gratification, and a few other things.
Phimosis, Fournier's gangrene, and potentially permanent deformation of the glans.
There's no medical reason for indiscriminate circumcision at birth.
I agree that there's no medical reason for indiscriminate circumcision at birth, or, for that matter, indiscriminate surgery of any kind at any time. After all, that's what circumcision is: surgery. However, the poster I responded to did not make that distinction. Another poster simply posted the word "propaganda". Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it — rather than a well-thought critique of the practice in secular and instrumental terms.
A wholesale dismissal of circumcision is as unthinking as a blind acceptance of it. Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
Because it was implicit - we are discussing circumcision of infants, not circumcision of adult males with phimosis.
> Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it
Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation. Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
> Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
Infant phimosis exists and it generally requires circumcision. Regarding the post I replied to, I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements. If someone has made an absolute claim with with no stated qualifications or context whatsoever, that is a fundamental error I have a right to rebut it. No context needed on my part.
> Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation.
> Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't, whether of an infant or adult. People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children. The reasons may vary in quality and acceptability, but the general understanding of why parents and doctors advocate for circumcision is as a means and attempt to make the child's present or future life "better" (for some definition of the word). Whether the reasoning for "better" is acceptable depends on the particular case being examined.
I would also add that almost all surgeries are accomplished by mutilation, even the ones deemed uncontroversial and necessary to save an infant's life. Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
> Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision, then by process of elimination it surely must be against its religious practice. Historically, religious figures (to my knowledge, Judaic and Christian) have advocated for circumcision and employed people to undertake the task on behalf of the church/temple/etc. In some sects/denominations, the extra-medical practice of circumcision continues to exist. It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
Gangrene also exists and generally requires amputation, but I don't see that as an argument for cutting off all infants' limbs, regardless of their medical state. If people in the US cut off male infants' limbs at birth as tradition, it would be perfectly appropriate to write a comment in the lines of "hey, if you have a boy, don't cut off his limbs".
> I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements
If you put things out of context, conversations won't make sense. Implicit context is an inevitable part of communication - it isn't divine, anyone with half a brain could figure out that when someone says "there's no medical reason for circumcision" that they mean in general, not in all cases without exceptions whatsoever. Nobody in their right mind would argue against surgery in general. Pretending that's the original argument is a form of logical fallacy called "attacking a strawman" - yes, you are right that circumcision can be valid in some cases, but nobody is arguing against that.
> Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't
Yes, and since there is a culture of circumcising infants indiscriminately in the US, the first step is to tell people to stop doing it for no fucking reason.
> People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children.
This is just plain false - the number of circumcisions in the US that happen because of "my dad circumcised me, so I guess that's how it should be" is very high. It is necessary to fight that kind of pointless mutilation by advising people.
> Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
Here's a clear coherent point: We should tell people not to perform unnecessary surgery on infants in general for no reason. I have a feeling that we've been through this a couple of times already...
> If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision
It is directed towards general, indiscriminatory circumcision - or, to generalize, towards any kind of unneeded medical surgeries, some of which are unfortunately done on infants because of ignorance and tradition.
> It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Even if it was true (which you have no way of knowing), the fact that the religion performs surgery on people in order to "mark them" as belonging to the group actually warrants such feelings. The person is never given the right to choose - they were simply marked, with an irreversible surgery, from the moment they were born, without even a chance of changing their minds. If such feelings exist in the poster, I'd definitely sympathize much more with them, than with religious people who feel "attacked" by such feelings.
No matter how "right" you might think it is because of various reasons, it's mutilation of a child's organ, and it's irreversible.
You are, of course, implying that FGM is far, far, worse and would be unthinkable for anyone on HN?
This is a terrific example of the "useful idiot" phenomenon. Those who hate any group - be it Jews or Catholics or Muslims or anybody else - will find something dear to those people and spread seemingly-unrelated advice that negates that group's core values. Then the useful idiots with no hate in mind spread these advice with fervour.
As a Jew, I am aware of the minuscule risks of circumcision. And of course I had my son circumcised because that has been a hallmark of my race (not religion) for literally millennia. And I do other far riskier activities with my son, such as fishing and riding a bicycle and letting him use a knife. But nobody is advising us not to fish or ride a bicycle with our children, despite literally orders of magnitude higher risk.
Edit, to add: I did not intend to imply that female genital mutilation was prevalent in Islam, only that it is done and justified amongst Muslims at a not-insignificant rate.
You use "miniscule risks" as an argument - the problem isn't the risks of circumcision, it's the circumcision itself. It is (in majority of cases) a completely unneccesary form of mutilation.
It seems to me that your argument boils down to "how dare you tell people mutilating infants is wrong when my culture has been mutilating infants for millenia?". Most people don't circumcise their kids because of religion - and those they do won't listen to this advice anyway.
You should be honest about this. This wasn't really a "race" thing. You *wanted* to do this to your son. You did this without his consent. And you did something that is completely irreversible.
Don't compare this to fishing, riding a bike, or even using a knife. All of those are necessary skills, or at the very least, useful skills for children to know.
You did something that *was actually risky to do*, for literally no other reason other than this awful justification about "race".
And for what its worth, I'm Iranian. So I get how _expected_ it is from culture.
> You should be honest about this. This wasn't really a "race" thing. You *wanted*
> to do this to your son.
> You did this without his consent. And you did something
> that is completely irreversible.
> Don't compare this to fishing, riding a bike, or even using a knife. All of those
> are necessary skills, or at the very least, useful skills for children to know.
> You did something that *was actually risky to do*, for literally no other
> reason other than this awful justification about "race".
> And for what its worth, I'm Iranian. So I get how _expected_ it is from culture.
So I really do understand your sentiment that traditions have no value. I get it. But I counter that traditions in fact do have value for those who hold them dear. Does a photograph of a parent have value? A photo of your parent has no value to me, but a photo of my parent has value to me - and I suspect vice versa. I am the distinct person I am because of the values that I hold, those values include things that we will most likely agree upon (Do not murder) but I accept that you don't value things that we don't agree upon. That's fine. But recognize that _you_ feel so passionately about circumcision not because of the risk. Other common practices have greater risk with less benefit. Rather, the media that sold you on this viewpoint specifically, had ulterior motives. I have no problem with your opinion. I do have a problem with the fervent obsession that people have with this one specific low-risk activity that Jews do, while ignoring far riskier and more prevalent activities. The media shaped your opinion with motive. Recognize that.
> Don't circumcise (genital mutilate) your kid if he's a boy.
> because it is unthinkable
> If you are pregnant then you shouldn't smoke if you're a woman.If I were to have a child, circumcision would definitely need to be discussed with my partner. Because there are plenty of reasons people decide to opt-in for that procedure, none of which have any intentionally malicious components to it.
FGM wouldn't need to be discussed, because not only I assume nobody here would be insane enough to even propose it, it is just downright evil, carries zero non-malicious purpose, and is illegal to perform here. I see zero reason to worry about something that cannot even be legally performed in the first place.
> I see zero reason to worry about something that cannot even be legally performed
> in the first place.
"If it is a boy" was a necessary clause. Because "if it was a girl", then they won't need to worry abour circumcision. Which is why mentioning the first clause made perfect sense. No need for some conspiracy theories here.
Bonus: sleep whenever possible, and bring the baby to see friends so you don’t become a hermit.
Relationship: don't keep a (mental) score of changed diapers, chores etc. with your spouse. You're not roommates. Team work isn't perfectly balanced or symmetrical.
You: Everything is just a phase and will soon pass. Remember this, when things are tough. Also, don't be confused if the first months feel more like a struggle than the most magical period. In the beginning they're more a "generic baby", which may or may not be your thing. After 4–6 months, they'll have developed a little more personality and you will fall in love with that person.
Parenting: Positive reinforcement. Overflow them with love. Try to teach them nice manners from the very start (greeting people, thanking etc). Everything in life is easier with a likeable person.
Came here to say this.
Kids go through phases like not sleeping well for weeks on end. It will pass. You'll go through periods where it's easy and the kids sleep through the night. This too will pass.
The idea (from what I remember, it's been years), is to put them down and leave the room. Then come back for a bit, and then leave for a longer period of time, say double, etc. It's gradual and, in our case, was ridiculously effective. Nothing works for everyone when it comes to kids, but it's totally worth trying after they pass, say, 6 months.
Once they get this down, it is important _not_ to walk on eggshells while the babies (and when they're older) are sleeping. Get them used to being able to sleep when there's noise. It'll make your life so much easier in the future, and you'll be able to bring kids into social situations, or bring social situations into your home, without the stress of kids unable to sleep due to noise.
Final word of advice - you will be showered with metrics and progress reports, statistics on how your child compares to others, etc. Ignore all that. Kids normalize over time and these deviations become way less significant. You'll have to make a conscious effort to ignore this noise, because fears for your kid are natural and will inevitably bubble up to the surface. Be the best parent you can be, and ignore the mountains of contradictory advice you'll get from friends, relatives, media and strangers on the internet ;) a lot of it is bullshit, so don't sweat it, your kid will be fine!
On mobile don’t have time for a complete rebuttal currently.
“cry it out” methods of “parenting” are directly associated with elevated levels of anxiety and mental health issues later in life.
Will try to come back to this later.
1. Pace yourself. You’re going to want to try to do as much as you can with your newborn/infant but sometimes they’re just not ready for it. If you try to be very extra with your child on day one, you’re going to burn yourself out. A corollary is to appreciate the free time you get.
2. Children all develop in their own way so don’t freak out if your experience something different than what you read online.
3. Fear about SIDS is so incredibly overblown. I think the latest that we know about SIDS is that it’s a genetic thing. You should keep your baby’s area relatively clutter free to minimize suffocation risk but you don’t have to spend every waking hour of your life worrying about if they are breathing.
4. If you plan to formula feed, get a baby brezza. It saves so much time. Don’t believe the negative reviews, my baby is thriving.
5. You can’t spoil a child when they’re an infant. Don’t be afraid to give them all the love they need, especially when they’re crying. You’re not doing anybody favors by letting them cry things out.
6. Be empathetic to your partner as you are now sharing a foxhole with them.
Smoking is a huge risk factor so don’t! Don’t even smoke outside the house and drag in that stink on your clothes. It’s Best quit for your kids.
What I tell folks is the bar for parenting is pretty low actually. Give a shit, and put effort in. The rest is really just minor details in the grand scheme.
Kids just need parents and adults that care about them and are willing to put the time in. All the other stuff stems from that, but gets talked about far more. It's pretty hard to mess a kid up in a loving supportive household no matter your other circumstances.
Material things also simple don't matter at all, even though society will focus on those for you.
a) Model the behaviour you want to see in your children.
Show them how you deal with anger by modelling the behaviour you'd want them to have when they're angry, by behaving that way when you're angry.
Show them what it is like celebrating joys.
Apologise to them when you screw up - because you will.
Your son will learn how he should treat women by they way you treat his mother. Your daughter will learn how she should be treated by the way you treat her mother. (And vice versa with how mum treats dad.)
When you get frustrated that they don't listen to anything you say, remember they are seeing everything you do.
b) Keep working on your relationship with your partner. For me, authenticity and communication are the two big things. If you don’t feel like you can be your real self with that person, if you are unable to share with each other your dreams, fantasies, desires, fears, faults and foibles, it’s hard to build a relationship that can last.
and congrats.
The most important point to raise children from my POV and experience is: mimétisme.
The very efficient way to teach or train them to adopt habit or behaviour is by personating yourself what you want them to be.
Children are copying what you are more than what you do.
Want them to love book ? Don’t buy them book and keep watching tv, play in front computer, or frenetically scroll your mobile. Just be a reader in front of them.
Want them to be curious, just be curious yourself… want them to clean and order their room, just clean your mess and order the house.
It’a all about that Your behaviour is the most important.
Leadership is not about enforcing things to other. But being the living example of the behaviour you want them to adopt.
Another important point from my POV, is learning and emotional context of the learning.
The more relaxed is the emotional context, the easier the learning will be easy and the skills will be able to be reused with ease in the futur.
Each time you use a skill in your life, your body also bring back the emotional context of the time of skill learning.
Learning is joy, not pain, not stress, not tension. And they start learning and never stop from the moment they are out of the mother’s belly.
It’s your responsability as a parent to enforce a relaxed and joyful environment in your house.
I could say far more, but I will stop here and wish you the best of luck. Congratulation for you and your wife being a parents.
For the first three years, I cannot recommend anything else than reading and practicing what explain this book : https://www.gentlerevolution.com/products/how-smart-is-your-...
If you have to buy one book this is this one.
This is so important it bears repeating. And I'll say it's not only true for parenting. Thank you for putting it this way!
Get in a routine with your partner as soon as you can.
You have a solid 3 months of your child being able to sleep on you in a baby wrap while you work if you are wfh. It is a beautiful thing.
It will all be okay. The baby is likely fine. Poop comes in a lot of weird colors.
Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then? - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31976803 - July 2022 (388 comments)
Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad? - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9756232 - June 2015 (89 comments)
It's such a time commitment learning to breastfeed and it's emotionally overwhelming. The lactation consultants all said there should be no pain if the latch is good. That is a lie. Multiple mothers have told us it hurts for the first few weeks. But it gets painless after that.
My son is 8 weeks old. We're just starting to find our feet.
In all likelyhood there will be medical issues in the next couple of weeks with the baby or your partner. In all of the cases I know of these have been overcome completely, the children are happy and healthy, but at the time it can feel overwhelming. Try to remember that you will get though it.
They are a baby, or a toddler, or a five year old or a teenager once. Enjoy those times for what they are, each is different, each is hard in its own way and rewarding in its own way.
You will miss aspects of it when it’s gone. It will be gone sooner than you think.
Similarly, cherish the special occasions, there are fewer than you think. There are perhaps 8 christmases or halloweens when a child is old enough to enjoy and young enough to find them magical/fantastical in the way small kids do.
The early years are hard, but relatively simple. Things tend to get less hard and more complex as they get older. The early years are like running a marathon, later on it’s more like a never ending set of escape rooms.
Cherish them for the age they are, because they will never be that child again.
look after yourself and your partner, physically and mentally. The early years are exhausting, keep fit, eat well and get as much sleep as you can. Take any help you can get.
There is no one right way to raise your kids, get them to sleep, potty train or ween them. Be prepared to listen to or read advice, try it out and then try something else if it doesn’t work. Try and be analytical about why things do or don’t work, try and think through your child’s responses and your own behaviour.
Be the kind of person you want your kids to be. They learn more from watching you than from listening to what you tell them.
Go easy on yourselves, no one is perfect. You will get things wrong. You might get angry or say or do things you regret. But if you do, sincerely apologise. People are fallible and that’s ok and something they need to understand.
On a very practical level, get some attenuating ear plugs. The sound of a screaming baby can be mentally exhausting, especially if they won’t sooth in the early months. Earplugs will still let you hear them but you won’t be so exhausted and will have more patience. Alternatively listen to music/podcasts or watch to through headphones while soothing them, sometimes you will need to hold them in order for them to sleep.
That’s all a bit rambling, but I hope some of it helps.
Good luck to all of you
Get a good baby scale. It helped us realize that ours wasn’t gaining weight at 4-5 weeks, despite not acting like he was hungry (I breastfed), which prompted us to supplement with formula and me to pump more aggressively. He never really got into nursing, but I was able to pump most of what he needed, and my husband was game for doing the nighttime and wake up feeds and diaper changes while I pumped.
I rarely changed an overnight diaper. My husband was (and is) amazing.
* The first 18 years are hard, but the first week is brutal. It's not like in the movies, but the good new is that the first week lasts only a week.
* When the baby cries, try the most common causes. Diaper, milk, hugs, tummy ache. Make a mental checklist and follow it at least twice.
* The worst is tummy ache during the first few days. The nurses in the hospital can make some tummy massage to make the baby release the farts and stop the tummy ache. Try to learn it. If it's 3am and the baby is crying, ask the nurses.
* Try to sleep as much as you can while the baby sleep.
* Your wife will be also very tired. Try to be patient, and she should try to be patient. Can you take a few days if at work? [Like a week] It varies in each country. Can your parents or your in laws help? [sometimes it's a curse, sometimes it's one additional hour of sleep.]
* The advice about how the baby must sleep are a mix of real advice and snake oils and fads. Try to find a pediatrician that is good and sensible.
* And this is the end of the advice for the first week. Next 18 are easier.
Fed baby is a happy baby. You want the baby to always have food coma during the newborn phase. He was able to sleep better and wake up once at night. At the moment he’s hitting 7.5 hours at a time.
When he woke up in the middle of the night, I would change him then feed.
Babies make a lot of noise when they are sleeping, you can wait a few minutes after they start crying to pick them up. They could be “active” sleeping.
If at all possible, change diapers on the floor - the baby will move. And there's little need for a changing table.
We took shifts with the babies, so we each could get uninterrupted sleep. #1 quickly had a good sleep schedule. #2 ... took 10 months. And would mostly only sleep while being pushed in a stroller or co-sleeping. With relatives, their kid would only sleep in a moving car.
Find activities for parent+kid(s). The local library had one starting a 4 months, which I enjoyed. So do some of the local churches.
I loved taking #1 out in a chest carrier for walks + naps. #2 didn't like it at all.
People will stop and tell you you're parenting wrong. Feel free to ignore them. Most common was (in cold weather) that baby needed more clothing on. One person told me it was psychologically harmful to have the baby facing forward in the stroller instead of backward. I swore at them.
Give them both lots of love, pull energy from seeing your baby's little features- their delicate little hands, wisps of hair, milk drunkness, chubby cheeks!
Get skin on skin contact as soon as you can, wrap your arms around your little one- you are their protector and nothing will hurt them with you around.
Be prepared for some dark thoughts; usually centred around something/somebody hurting or taking your child away. I think this is probably normal.
Give your partner support and put little things in the calendar each week- like a TV show the three of you can watch- its making the mundane special that will keep your morale up when you're operating on 3 hours sleep.
Sleep deprivation was a big issue for us, and we solved it cosleeping with him in the same bed (criticised by other parents and older generations ), but it works for us cause we don't have to standup and fully wake up to soothe him and feed him. First few months we used a cosleeping bed and now just sleep together (he is in the middle between us).
Another tio is to try different stuff multiple times and different ages. Some useful things were white noise, pacifier, singing, dancing.
Good luck, and welcome to the brotherhood. I'll smile at you with a deep understanding face whenever I cross you in the daily walks with your newborn.
Remember that children are human beings from the get go. They have a personality, and feelings. They are the ones doing the growing up, and all you can do is try to help them do it well. You might meet people who think that kids are infinitely malleable and that personality faults in them are intolerable. These people are ignorant in the same way racists and homophobes are.
And, um, don't assume that it will be tomorrow, even if they're inducing. That can take more than a day sometimes.
Your child is different to any siblings, yourself, and any of the local children. People will swear blind "This is the sole way to make a child sleep", etc. At the end of the day things are so different that you need to find your own way.
Love your partner, don't drop the child on their heads, or let them fall when they're super-young and almost everything else will take care of itself.
(And when you're exhausted? The child will be safe in their cot. You can let them cry for ten minutes, alone, and it won't turn them into a serial-killer. Sometimes things are too much, and taking a step back to drink coffee, smoke on a balcony, or have a little cry is the right choice.)
Everybody advised us to let the baby “cry it out” to learn to fall asleep on his own. We never did because it didn’t feel right. And things did work out in the end :)
Observation: Your child will have many faces as they grow, more than one in the first month. Take lots of photos and movies.
Post partum depression is a real possibility for your partner, and normal.
Have a tall kitchen garbage can with a foot operated push to open at the crib side. Empty at least daily and you won't have smell to deal with.
If you're worried about poop/pee... you get over it almost instantly, or at least I did.
Use "chucks pads" under baby when you change them... plastic on one side, absorbent on top, disposable, and MAGIC.
Advice will come from people with beliefs that may differ from your own. Additionally, what works for some may not work for others.
Here’s my advice. If your baby is crying and you’re not sleeping, make a change.
P.S. Before trying the pacifier, we ruled out hunger as the cause for crying by supplementing with formula.
For the next years everyone will tell you what you should do.
DO NOT ALLOW them to make you or your partner guilty or miserable for not following other people instructions / advice / buying reccomendations.
This is specially important to mothers: there is a HUGE pressure for them to follow perfectly all instructions and advice.
For instance, if she doesn't want (or just can't) breastfeed the baby, it is okay as long as it is your decision.
(btw memorize how to get to the ER / emergency because you'll visit the doctor more than you think - better to be able to drive on autopilot).
When your kids start daycare/school they will be home with fevers and bad colds. It’s good if you can use sick days and share this with your partner. You will also be sick a lot. Ensure you have lots of time off and sick leave.
You will have a lot less time to hang with friends and do personal activities but it’s important to keep something going.
Other people have brought up most of my other points so I won’t repeat them here.
Ensure baby is fed (breastfed/formula fed) every couple of hours. This above all else. If baby is not latching just formula feed until he latches. This is crucial.
Watch out for signs of dehydration (parched lips) on baby. Usually because mothers dont lactate on day 0 and babies dont get any milk. Note time spent at breast not equal to milk in baby.
Watch for signs of jaundice. Low feed for baby causes jaundice levels to spike which can cause severe health issues.
Revisit the paediatrician within 48h of hospital discharge.
Be there for your partner. It'll be fine.
This won’t be relevant till later, but…. My policy is to never punish. Instead, when your kids “misbehave”, start by questioning yourself if they know the expected behavior. Explain what is expected.
Be kind. Play a role. Support your wife. Earn the bread.
Edit: also, they come out looking weird. They soon pop into place. Relax, it’s normal. Here is mine just after birth:
https://www.reddit.com/r/cute/comments/q47e6d/just_born_alre...
1) Spend as much unstructured time as possible. “Quality time” is not schedulable.
2) Provide your child with age-appropriate decisions to make. Turning out a young adult who can evaluate situations/opportunities/problems and make good decisions takes years. Ask “what would you do?” and “what did you learn?”
There’s no magic formula and that’s ok.
(and congrats, btw)
It seems difficult and overwhelming, but actually the first year is pretty easy. You need to support your wife so that she can sleep and relax as much as possible. When she feels relaxed, the baby will feel relaxed, too. Her milk will feed and protect the baby, so there isn't that much else to worry about.
Invite your kids into your life. I like video games so I offer to play them with my son. I like movies so I find ones we can watch together. I like martial arts so when he’s old enough I’ll offer to do Jui Jitsu.
Kids are an amazing opportunity to teach and love
You are a parent, not a friend. Don’t only do things to please your children.
You are a person too, not only a parent. Do things yourself your children will be proud of you for; it will teach them to do the same.
We already know what happens when parents make their children a priority over everything else. I still plan to love my wife in 50 years and make friends I can invest in along the way, because one day my kid will be grown up and out on their own adventures.
More exposure to different experiences and even just different things you say the better their chances for cognitive development.
It's pretty much all small stuff.
Oh! And get a notebook and write down every funny thing they say or do. These will never, EVER get old, but they do fade with time, so capture them fresh.
1) it may take a while to bond with the baby, keep at it
2) as the baby gets older, de-verbalize routines… less verbalization, more autonomy, less arguing/negotiation
Good luck!
Fatherhood has been my greatest blessing
Also newborns pretty much need to sleep and eat. As parents we want to play with them. But that’s a recipe for crying baby and then they can’t go to sleep upset. Vicious circle.
Watch out for iron deficiencies at around six month mark.
Look into baby lead weaning for solids introduction.
I don't think lead is all that healthy. ;)
Father estrangement starts the moment you stop parenting because "Mom knows better".
Good luck!
And, yeah, "your life, as you know it, is officially over".
Assuming you aren't actually saying that "their life is over", the comma should move forward one word in your sentence to show that it is "life as you know it" being over, rather than life being over "as you (already) know".
if not that, hungry? try a bottle
if not that, walk and rock, drive & pray, etc.
if not that, earplugs
that's all you need to know for the first couple years. after that, they will be smarter and quicker than you but won't know it yet.
don't let them figure it out until 16+ and you'll be fine.
Take the "same" picture each month for the first couple of years. We had our daughter propped up on the couch next to a teddy bear. Stringing the pictures together showed her growth in a beautiful way.
Also, make sure that you don't hold them in order to put them to sleep. Wait until they are relaxed and then put them down in their bed/crib/cot. You want them to be able to put themselves to sleep without you.
Also, don't keep the house quiet when the baby is asleep / going to sleep. This will only condition them to be able to only sleep in the quiet.
Wrong.
I am adding this as an edit because I forgot, get a sling (not a baby bjorn, I think they are expensive shit). In a sling, the baby can lie there asleep or looking up at you and you get two free hands, to wrangle no. 1 and 2, not drop the car keys down the grate, or whatever. The arrival of the well made $25 sling in our house with no. 2 made a world of difference, don't wait for no. 2 to get one.
Always give your children one free strike on any thing they mess up with on the first time, then explain to them very clearly so they know (have them repeat it back to you in their words) - dont punish them or get angry with them for a first time offence, but second time, assume negligence or malice unless they can explain in great detail otherwise.
Set firm boundaries early, in the first 2-3 years, but let them roam freely within those boundaries - you may well find that you don't need to be so firm in later years, the expectation has been created.
Don't gloat to any one else how yours is a "sleeper" because you are such awesome parents. Experience has shown whether your infant is a good sleeper or not usualy has zero to do with any parenting qualities, good or bad. Those that do gloat, expect the karma of the universe to rain down on you for child no. 2 or 3.
Don't try and live your life, especially your unfulfilled life, thru your children.
Those unable to fend for themselves or provide for themselves unconditionally come first - this is not an excuse to neglect your spouse.
Don't hothouse your children, I've yet to see this not backfire in some fairly serious sense eventually, sometimes an ultimate and tragic one. Push them a little, teach them to extend themselves, but let them run theior own race in their own way, that way when you are not around they won't be helpless.
Try and explain to them, fruitless though it will seem, and likely be, the value that youth holds in so many ways.
Not the least for youth, that time somwhere betweem roughly 10 and 16 yo where they have (what seems, looking back) all the time in the world to persue one or two things they really like and to build the foundation to be really good at these, or just ok at them, but effortless. Once you get older you realise it is extremely rare to ever find like time like that again as an adult and a parent.
Teach them that failure is not the same as failing, any mistake you only make once and learn from is valuable. Those that need to occur ten times to learn from are potentially costly.
Let them learn the lessons, harsh they may seem, as early as possible - the later in life some lessons are learned, the more expensive they can be. Some, if put off until considered an adult by society, can ruin a life.
To do the above you have to let them have some freedoms to potentially make these mistakes themselves - many things can be told, but never taught, and must be learned to be truly effective.
Little tricks, you will develop your own, but here is one thing that can really help - at some point (can't remember exactly but maybe 6-9 months) a single nappy/diaper will not hold enough liquid so that they can get thru the night without the seepage getting cold from evaporative cooling and waking you up at 2 or 3 in the morning. Practice the nappy origami - fold a second nappy inside the first in a strategic location and you will find that you can get sleep thru the night back (if they were before.)
Final point, if you are a Dad and working, and the mother is stay at home, when you are at home take every possible opportunity to change every possible nappy you can - the mother wil be so grateful and likely think you are the best Dad in the world, and it is time spent with your infant that may well constitute some of the best quality time you are going to get for certain periods of their early life.
- Be present at all times while the baby is being born. If for any reason your wife passes out, she may have some trauma because of it (a much stronger form of post-partum depression), and it will help (tremendously) (if she trusts you) if she knows that you were there, as a witness to everything that happened. Just don't leave her, and also be ready, if necessary to receive the baby on your own torso if your wife can't do it (that's to avoid trauma/fear for the baby).
- I think that this is literally the most important recommendation one may make: Probably the most traumatizing experience of children is not being raised by their parents. Do everything you can to never leave your wife or to never have her leave you. And always be present for your children. In my experience, people who were raised by their two parents have much less problems in society than those whose parents (even just one) were absent. This is to such an extent that less brilliant people will have much better careers that absolutely stunningly intelligent people who had issues with their parents. Even if one loses a parent because of sudden death due to some random accident, one will feel betrayed in the deepest way (Why did you have to die? Why aren't you here when I need you?): it's difficult to overcome this and not become too defensive.
- Trauma as a child is how you make sociopaths and maybe also psychopaths (mentally ill - real illness, not just inappropriate behavior). Avoid exposing your children to traumatizing situations. If they are, do your best to guide them out of the trauma: recognize it, tell them it's OK to fell like they feel, find professional help to handle this.
- Children have their own personality, they are not you. The best you can do is see them as young, friendly companions in your life. Guide them, direct them, always having fun. Let them choose, but orient the way they choose. Let them experience things early, that's the best way to learn. Provide many hugs, be physically close. Allow them to rest on you. Allow them to cry, but not to be too loud. Tears are OK, screaming is not.
- In the evening, every day, lay in their bed close to them them before they sleep and talk with them, ask them about their day, how they felt... This reminds them on a daily basis that they count in your life, that you are interested in them. You'll also enjoy these moments. And you'll learn a lot about them and their relations to other people and children. It's really funny.
- Always expect just a bit more than they are able to provide, but don't punish.
- From the beginning, explain everything. They'll quickly understand. I promise you'll be surprised how mature they'll be.
- At the same time, allow them to be children. My son (almost 5) loves super heroes, but he also still enjoys Mickey Mouse shows for young children - that's OK, it won't harm him, even if you know he's able to watch more complex stuff.
- Read every day (part of) a story to them. That might be the most predictive thing to ensure good results at school.
Don't stress. How it goes is simple: up to the birth of your first child, you don't know anything about parenting. As soon as the baby is born, you become a master in parenting and know everything. It's like a two-states system with no in-between =).
In the same way, babies understand everything about life, until they learn to speak: they understand the pleasures of sleeping, eating, being taken care of, being in the arms of their parents, cuddling etc. They are so smart that they almost always know how to get what they want (scream and cry). They live to eat, to poop and pee, to sleep and to sometimes laugh (isn't that wonderful?).
Then suddenly, it goes away. They somehow become dumb and you have to educate them and teach them everything. And somehow, that's the begin of the most interesting part of being a parent.
Congratulations and have fun!