Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad?

33 pointsholy_cow89 comments

In a delightful father's day surprise, my wife and I found out this afternoon that she's pregnant. We'd planned on this, though maybe not for another few months. After the initial excitement/crying/what have you, I realized that this is a subject that I know woefully little about.

Since I can't tell anyone I know just yet, I'll ask anonymously: how do we do this? I'm asking mostly for books and articles to read, but advice is helpful, too. Did any of you read a helpful book that approached prenatal nutrition (I cook for us), preparation, early child rearing, etc. from a scientific or "hacker" perspective? It seems like a lot of what I'm finding on Amazon are based on fads or shaky-at-best assertions. Recommendations for a dad-to-be are very much appreciated.

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Congratulations!

17 years ago my (ex) wife and I bought a small handful of books. Despite my enthusiasm for the books, I don't think I read any of them past the preface, especially after our son was born; buy what appeals to you, and don't overthink things.

Our son graduates high school in another year. He's a viable human being, he likes people, people like him, we love each other. I have no idea how that happened.

No one knows how to raise a child, but we mostly seem to do OK.

Do what your wife's doctor says for health and nutrition. Do what your eventual pediatrician says for health and nutrition. Buy black and red mobiles.

Hold your child a lot. Play with your child a lot. Talk to your child. Read to him. Sing to him. Give him toys and books. Show him everything, but not all at once. Tell your child "I love you" for the rest of your life, and show him.

Enjoy the ride.

I really appreciate this. Thank you.

Best advice ever. Children simply want to be loved and listened to.

Why "buy black and red mobiles"? I guess I didn't get that point :-)

// Son of a 1.5 year old kid who has just learnt to speak "Lizard"

white, black and red are high contrast, supposed to be good for sight development. Or maybe brain development. Or maybe it was a fad 17 years ago. :)

(Are lizards lizards, or is everything lizard? :)

Both are fine, I'm just too happy to see him picking words and associating context to them :)

Is there any study which tells how useful are high contrast things for kids?

When my son uses my mobile phone (which he knows how to turn on, off, unlock) - I generally turn brightness very low. This is in stark contrast to red/white :-)

He means those Alexander Calder spinning hanging sculpture things you hang over the crib.

http://www.houzz.com/photos/1211969/Blue-and-Grey-Whales-Bab...

so your 1.5 year old is already swiping ? maybe hold off on getting him an oculus rift, okay ? :)

My kid was an ipad expert by that age. 4-finger swiping and everything. At 2 he now knows his mom's unlock code and can punch it in. As long as a child has a healthy mix of real world and outdoors, I'm convinced that tablets and phones are amazing brain stimulation for children.

This high contrast stuff is for tiny infants.

Three children here.

Don't worry about any books or stuff. They're all pretty crappy. Some of them are written by people who have never even had children. Best advice I can offer:

1. If you find a problem, fix it. Don't worry too much about it occurring to start with. Most of them don't. Google is your friend here but stick to scientific solutions, not fad ones.

2. Don't get embroiled in political parenting campaigns like "breast is best" and all that. Just do whatever is comfortable.

3. Regarding prenatal nutrition, don't control it. Let her eat what she wants. Cravings are there for a reason. If you control it too much, a shrivelled rag will pop out without any extra body fat. Children get sick and need some extra incase they lose it. My other half lived on mixed grills and roast chicken and to quote our doctor, our children are abnormally well.

Edit: Couple more...

4. If you are sensitive to minor gore or bodily fluids, start trying to shake this now. They make regular appearances and you don't have time to get iffy about it.

5. Don't panic and always carry a towel. Good advice from Douglas Adams.

There's a bunch of poor advice here.

Pre-natal nutrition: it is difficult for a pregnant woman to eat too little. There's no evidence of harm to mother or baby from mild undernourishment (if we ignore some condistions related to a need for vitamin supplementation). There is plenty of evidence of harm to mothers and babies for over eating. The risks of significant harm or death go up a lot if the mother or baby is overweight. These risks include, rarely, death.

A pregnant woman with a sensible diet needs only an extra 200 calories per day.

You may be seeing things a little black & white here. His advice was to listen to cravings & not control diet "too much". You seem to have interpreted this as "let here constantly eat all the junk food she wants & become obese."

Maybe.

I was goig off things like:

> don't control it.

> Let her eat what she wants.

> Cravings are there for a reason.

> If you control it too much, a shrivelled rag will pop out without any extra body fat.

> Children get sick and need some extra incase they lose it.

All of those comments err on the "extra weight is preferrable", but that's just not true. It's hard to have an underweight baby, it's very easy to have an overweight baby, and the risks of harm from overweight mother or baby need to be taken into account.

I think you're both making good points here :) As with most things, extremes in either direction are harmful. As always it's a case of finding a healthy balance.

This is sort of my point. My wife chips in here...

Strict diet control is likely to be more harmful than people realise. Many many people end up in hospital during pregnancy after controlling things very strictly. The amount of mothers following silly baby friendly diets results in a lot of faceplants and ICU trips and occasionally tears.

I was an NHS maternity ICU nurse for about 5 years and if your child is not healthy to begin with, the risks to mortality are off the scale if the baby is underweight. If you can't get them feeding pretty soon, they rely on metabolising that fat to get through anything in the first couple of weeks.

An overweight baby has some loose and non conclusive statistics tied to childhood obesity and maternal diabetes. With proper sizing scans, induction etc, the risks are minimal and the diabetes risk treatable (metformin, dietary changes).

Edit: batou again... also c-sections are something you want to avoid, having watched a couple, so you're right about a balance.

Do you have any statistics about underweight mothers? Because all the research I've seen says it's not a problem. The child is going to be fine if the mother is underweight - although it's not ideal. But there is plenty of evidence that overweight mothers face increased risk of harm.

So, advising pregnant women to eat what they like, with no controls, increases risks and carries almost no benefit.

This is not suggesting that mothers should diet!

It's not a problem until there's a problem and there is no research on that really. There probably should be. According to my other half, anecdotal evidence from consultants suggest that the larger babies have a better outcome. They're a little less fragile. Also she said that most of the statistics are grouped into age and there is no association of an outcome at birth with later outcomes be they medical or surgical.

So there's not really any data.

Agree with your points for ref. It's all a compromise.

Actually it's more about infant health post-birth. If there any feeding problems, infection, secondary problems or surgery required then that body fat is very very important. Babies are notoriously fussy buggers and can deteriorate pretty sharpish if they are underweight.

We seem to be disagreeing about what the word "controlled eating" means.

I'm saying "don't eat too much; you're not eating for two; a woman with a healthy diet only needs an extra 200 calories per day".

You seem to be saying "don't go on a very restrictive diet".

I agree with that. But I'd be interssted to see any research showing harms from mothers on restrictive diets.

And you seem to be underplaying the risks of macrosomal babies, which are considerable.

See my other comment about this elsewhere in the thread. I'm saying eat what you feel you need to eat (within limits of course) so we're probably arguing the same point, just a different half of it.

Fetal macrosomia is something I know all about. 3 children, 3 c-sections due to this but all three under 9'15 which is considered the high risk limit. There are risks, you are right and I'm well aware of them. However that isn't possible to completely build a causality chain with calorific intake. AFAIK there is no research on this.

My wife and I found the Penelope Leach books (What to Expect when you are expecting, and what to expect from your <x> year old) very helpful. When my first daughter was born I was very empirical about figuring out what worked and what didn't, when my second daughter was born she was different from the moment she emerged, I realized that no two kids are alike so the experiences of one will likely not relate to a different one.

The one thing I wish someone had told me was how much they are learning even when they aren't talking or really even moving. Take advantage of that by talking and reading to them a lot, I am a firm believer that kids can ingest way more information than you can deliver. Very little chance of talking to much or reading to much to them.

All said though it has been the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. I would wish for you a great experience as well.

1) Ignore people's opinions

2) Parenting is not a competition against other parents

3) Literally tens of billions of people on this planet have had children. It can't be that hard. And it's not

4) Spend as much time as you can with your child: not only now, but for as long as both of you are alive. Be there

Yes, good advices. I'll add this most important one: don't believe you owe your kids your life. Continue to see friends and get drunk if it's something you do now. If you can't bear stupid cartoons or books (and who does?) just don't buy them, you'll find something to do together that both of you like to do (kids mostly like to be with their parents so anything but watching horror movies will do in fact). I spend a lot time with my two kids, we do things I like and they like it, this includes Lego, reading Tintin, camping, doing huts in the forests, etc.

But never think you should become a slave of your kid, or otherwise sacrifice anything to them, this is a way too heavy burden on THEIR shoulders.

Don't sacrifice anything for your children? I spend crazy amounts of money on diapers and food and clubs and such for my kids. I take them for walks or to the playground, sometimes when I'd rather be doing something on my own. I go to bed earlier than I would so I can wake up with my boy and eat breakfast together.

Having children is sacrifice. It's constant sacrifice, and it's as hard as it is great. Anyone who says it's not is either lying or his a horrible parent. And I'm not getting the sense that it's much of a burden on my kids' shoulders.

I also don't get drunk anymore. In my opinion it would be horribly irresponsible for me to do so. If you have kids and you insist on getting drunk, please arrange ahead of time to sleep somewhere else. When I'm around my kids I try my best to be aware and capable of making good decisions.

This. Haven't been drunk since 1998. Haven't had a night out since 2006 and we came home after two hours because we were bored. Haven't missed it either. I'd rather be with them and my wife.

I'm the first person up in the morning and the last to bed and I wouldn't swap it for anything.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Exact same thing for me.

I have three small kids. I have no time for myself. All my money is going towards the kids. I haven't been to the movies in years (other than Frozen and other Disney Industrial Complex productions...those don't count). Vacations...I better just leave it unsaid.

I wouldn't change anything, but yes, it is a sacrifice.

By getting drunk I didn't mean getting drunk at noon with kids around, I did mean go out with friends in the bar sometimes. And if you sacrifice your life to your kids you're putting a potential culpability on their shoulders, and you will be disappointed later, when they go on with their lives, which will rarely be the way you expect.

I don't mean that having kids do not change the life, it does. But if the country you leave in forces you to spend all your time and money on kids to let them have a decent health and education, then your country does it very very wrong.

Culpability? I might blame my kids in the future for the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me? I don't think you get it. I didn't get stuck with my kids. I'm grateful for every second. I understand drinking for fun, trust me, I've been there. It's a selfishness that's not compatible with my current mission.

Raising kids is no special incredibly demanding mission, it's the normal thing people do in their adult life. It includes some responsibilities but no sacrifice. Becoming parent is not like entering the cloitre to become a monk for life.

I think most of children and parent issues nowadays come from this kind of way too deep dedication you and others display in these comments

> tens of billions

Guesstimated at 100-115 billion, even.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population#Number_of_hum...

The single most important recommendation: Stay away from online parenting forums!

I found that the only one worthwile was the Parenting Stackexchange site: http://parenting.stackexchange.com/

(But even that one I've rarely used...)

> prenatal nutrition

Take a folate supplement. Just the cheap folate only ones will do if you have a healthy diet.

http://www.foodstandards.gov.au/consumer/generalissues/pregn...

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/folicacid/recommendations.html

Congratulations! We have an 18 month old daughter, and while I don't consider myself an expert on parenting (far from it), I can share some points:

1. Having a child is both the scariest and the coolest thing that happened to us. You constantly feel like you have no idea what you're doing, but in the end you will always manage.

2. Don't be fooled by people that say that "your life together will be over" and "enjoy your time together while you still can". This is bullshit. This is your own family, so you can make your own choices in how to spend your family time and together time. For example, when our daughter was small enough to still sleep in the stroller, we regularly went out for dinner together and let her sleep next to our table. Maybe this doesn't work out in your situation; the point is that there are no rules on what you can and cannot do once you have a kid. Don't let yourself be forced into the "now we must always stay at home" mantra, because it is total nonsense.

3. If you are free to work from home, and you have a quiet place in the house where you can do so, then I would totally recommend it, even if it's only a day per week. I'm working from home full time myself and it's amazing how much time I get to spend with my family. Not just breakfast and dinner, but also the seemingly mundane things like kissing her "goodnight" when she goes to bed for her afternoon nap. Again, this may or may not work in your situation, but I find it awesome.

4. Love your child: tell them that, and show them. Show them that you love their mother.

Parenting is like having your code reviewed constantly: people will judge every decision you make, and you will judge yourself based on things you read and other people's children. On top of that, many of these judgements are entirely subjective!

I think it's important to take on board the suggestions of others because they provide useful external input. But ultimately what makes fatherhood so rewarding is seeing the way that both you and your child grow together as a result of the way you parent.

Good luck and have fun. But remember a lot of the time it won't be fun.

Don't overthink it. Other people have managed it too.

Our doctor recommended to read just one book and one book only, in order to not get confused. On other side I've found that since a lot of books tend to contradict each other, most issues are not really issues at all, so we just do what feels right.

exactly - take one particular book and stick to it.

If your wife doesn't already exercise, she should start. Even just a 20-30 minute walk after meals is a solid start.

As far as the prenatal diet, there are, to my understanding, two important elements. One is folate. The other is maintaining a healthy weight. Your wife isn't eating for two, she's eating for 1.1 or so. Although the crave-induced trips to the ice cream shop are fine for movies, being overweight is associated with complications during pregnancy and delivery. Not a doctor, this is just what I read as I read up on this during my own wife's pregnancy.

Early child rearing is pretty damn basic. Feed the kid as much as they will eat. Breastmilk is best, but formula is better than not having enough. They sleep better when well fed, so it can make the first few weeks a lot less hellish if you have some formula on hand if your wife's production isn't up yet. There's not anything else to it for at least 15 months from where you are now, so I wouldn't sweat those details yet. You'll have more than enough to deal with between now and then.

To err on the side of cautions, minimize the use of TV screens in the room where the baby is hanging out, even as background noise.

Hospital-grade breast pumps are more than worth the $90 rental fee. Even better if your insurance will pay.

Do whatever you can to resolve any conflict anti-patterns you have with your wife now. This part does not get easier once the baby arrives.

Reason for minimizing TV? I have never restricted my children from watching TV and now at 5 and 2 they prefer to be running around outside most of the day.

Just because that worked out for one pair of kids does not make it a good idea.

That is moot. The question is why you would recommend against it.

First off, congratulations! My daughter is 2.5 now, but it seems like yesterday I was where you are now. The best advice I can give you is take all advice with a grain of salt. We got so much conflicting advice it was hard to know who to believe. My wife is a biologist/registered nurse/doctor so I thought we'd have an advantage, but it didn't stop the wives' tales (apparently driving while pregnant encourages the baby to walk sooner).

Before my daughter was born, I spent of lot of my free time coding—open source, side projects, etc. After she was born, that other stuff just didn't seem as important anymore. There's no perfect README for perfect parenting—we figure that out as we go along and it's all okay in the end. But absolutely, remember that there is no substitute for your time. Give her/him that. The rest will work out.

We're about to have our first child in 3 weeks(give or take). Some things that have helped: my wife. She can explain a lot that I've had questions about because she's been thinking about kids for a long time, and generally goes to baby showers and likes to play with babies. The hospital. They offer free classes on everything from breastfeeding to being a new dad. Heidi Murkoff has a corny but valuable and informative video series on YouTube where each week she tells you what's going on with the baby. It's good to watch each week with the wife, and her book has sold a zillion copies. 2 books I have are "what to expect when your wife is expanding" by Thomas hill and the other is "be prepared-a practical handbook for new dads" by Greenberg and Hayden. As far as your wife's and baby's nutrition, her doctor should prescribe what they need. She'll be monitored well and getting lots of lab tests done to keep them healthy, so just worry about all the million other things instead. :) Hope this helps some.

Oh yeah- I do the cooking too. Rules are, especially at the beginning, no processed meats, nothing not pasteurized, no shellfish, no alcohol, limit caffeine, no soft cheeses like feta and blue, be extra careful about coking meat until done and kitchen sanitation. Your wife will probably need lots of fiber, so anything incorporating that is good. My wife has been chugging milk like crazy. I don't know if that's unusual or not, but something I noticed. She generally wants comfort food because they're in such discomfort. She'll eat lots of small meals because her stomach will be squished. So lots of healthy snacks lying around just in case. Fruits especially. She'll have cravings so you just have to go with the flow.

1. You can not spoil a baby under 1 year. Hold them, squeeze them. (And buy a sling).

1.5 When they cry: a. are they hungry? -> food b. sleepy? -> sleep c. poopy? -> clean d. just crying to let the stress out -> carry and/or let cry

2. Let them sleep through the night when they're 3 months old for 2 nights and nobody will believe what an awesome baby you have after that, happily sleeping through the night and all.

3. Make sure mom takes naps after the baby's born. Sleep deprivation != good.

4. Rythm rythm rythm. After a few weeks, start with this rythm: a. they wake up -> immediate food! b. Now you have a rested and fed baby = happy baby. Playtime! (30 minutes or an hour) c. first sign of tired (about 2 hrs after waking up at first) -> TO SLEEP!

rinse and repeat.

When baby is crying, most often they're tired. do NOT start stimulating them like crazy, because the crying will stop for a few minutes but after that it's worse. Just tuck them in, let them cry a few minutes and they'll sleep.

Also, babies are sturdy! Don't worry too much about it :)

I'd echo that books didn't seem to help me much. We have a two year old and had bought quite a number (and received another handful as gifts) of books for various topics (eating, sleeping, educating). My wife didn't read any of them past the preface/intro. I barely made it through half of them. And after our little one came along it was obvious that they were a waste of money.

I think for most people it just clicks. Someone in here said it's not hard. I disagree (though I may have read the "it's not hard" in a different sense of "it's not hard"). It's definitely hard work. I now have a great respect for any stay at home parent. A child is so much work. And there are so many levels of hard. For instance, we looked forward to when our little one could walk. We thought it would make things so much easier. No that was just a different level of hard.

But our kid is so much fun. Before he came I didn't have any experience with kids, at all. So I was a little scared that I wouldn't know what to do (hence the books). But it just came naturally. Changing diapers, playing (either "roughhousing" or "nicely"), feeding. It just happened. And for those other moments where I didn't know what to do, well I had my wife to lean on.

I would echo don't listen to others (* this does not include your pediatrician and mother's obgyn) and don't compare your little person to others.

My only piece of advice (except the one I just gave) is find a way to really cherish the moments. I always thought "they grow so fast" was bs. Well two years plus in and I still look at our kid and wonder where the last two years went. It has been a blast but I now look at a little adult sometimes and wish I had a little more time. Work has definitely been put in its place over the course of the last year as I realized this.

The English NHS has a bunch or articles for parents. These are calm and evidence based. Watch out for cultural differences though - in England the current advice is that bottles must be sterilised carefully just before each use; other countries say you don't need to sterilise bottles. (Bottle feeding isn't just for formula - women can express breast milk and let dads do some feeding).

Investigate sources of help for breast feeding. Most women want to; many experience problems, and by the time they've got help it's too late, they've bought all the bottles and formula and stopped breast feeding.

Your sleep is going to be totally disrupted. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method so don't underestimate the disruption that lack of sleep can cause.

Just do what works best for you. Don't ever expect anything to be easy. I tried to read a few recommended books prior to my first being born and I just realised it was mostly author's opinion. There are very few books that are based on reason and evidence, mostly subjective opinion.

All you need to do is love your kids and spend as much time as possible with them. They are only babies for a short time and while it might suck a bit, it's also amazing watching them grow.

On another note... really try to figure out how you want the birth to be. We had our first in a private hospital and our second at home supported by the hospital (Australia). The second one was a much nicer experience (although I wasn't pushing a baby out of a small hole in my body).

I'm assuming you and your partner are both (at least fairly) smart and (at least fairly) well educated and you are (at least fairly) well resourced (meaning you got friends, good relationship to your parents, jobs, ...). You will do just fine.

You do not need to be a "perfect" parent, just good enough. Remember to nurture also your relationship with your partner and reserve some time for yourself. When you and partner feel good about your life and are well resources, the kid will turn up just fine.

I have a daughter approaching 18mo, so not that far ahead of you. Some thoughts:

* This is both more work and more fun than you can imagine :).

* Don't dumb things down too much. I noticed my daughter can often understand more than I "expect" at the time, so I take care not to e.g. simplify how I speak/teach too much (clarity and repetition is important, but they make leaps all the time so don't hold back too much).

* Lots of people will offer an opinion, myself included, but find your own way. Do what comes naturally (although I am not what you'd call a natural with babies, once I had one of my own it feels natural after all).

* If your partner is doing most of the care while you work (common for the Mums still these days) do not underestimate how hard/tiring it is for her! It is relentless work/focus that is much more tiring than a day in an office (despite also being full of fun!). Get home early to spend time with your baby and help with the evening routine.

* You will start to value sleep like never before. ;)

The single best thing we've done is split child care responsibilities evenly. After the first year (when my wife was off full time and breast feeding) we moved to 4 days of work each, with our respective weekdays off used to look after our daughter. This has made my bond with her a lot closer, and I have the experience/knowledge to split shared care time better with my wife (often there is one "default" parent who ends up doing too much work).

In Europe (I think) there are two popular "systems" for small babies. One is Gina Ford:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Contented-Little-Baby-Book/dp/00...

And the other is the EASY (Eat, Active time, Sleep, You time) "system" I think explained in this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secrets-The-Baby-Whisperer-Communica...

All of these are just guides but we did find the schedules helpful. Telling you how when and how much your baby should be sleeping per day, eating at each feed etc. Of course none of it goes perfectly but it is good to have something to aim for!

Once our baby was big enough to eat solid foods my wife loved this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Annabel-Karmels-Complete-Toddler-Pla...

I highly recommend that you do not read these books. Maybe look into Baby Led Weaning, putting everything into a blender made no sense to me.

What blender? If you are reffering to the baby food book it is a wide variety of risottos, curries, fish dishes, etc, etc. The idea is to get the baby used to all different food groups so she isn't fussy later on.

Gina Ford's advice is probably harmful. They're really vile books and most people I know who've read them and tried to follow the advice felt miserable about it, and it didn't work.

Don't use any "cry it out" (even the gentle ones, which Gina Ford's are not) until the child is at least six months old.

I don't know about harmful, its too popular for that. We have neighbours that used it and parents and kids are great. That said it does seem mean, we didn't do it for that reason.

I have three. That's about one and a half too many to retain your sanity :)

You will get everyone and their dog to giving you advice on all kinds of things you need to get like right now to be ready. Don't fall for it. Only buy things you know you need and only when you need them. I have closets full of crap that were never used.

Especially in the first few months there really isn't much that the baby needs. Just make sure you and the mom are healthy and work out a good system to make sure you don't die of sleep deprivation.

If you absolutely need something right freakin now, there probably is a baby store a short ride away so you can get your doodat easily.

Also babies are surprisingly durable. They'll get over practically everything that doesn't kill them. They will fall, hit their heads and otherwise get in trouble and it's always scary, but mostly they'll be just fine after an initial scare and some tears and hugs from mom or dad. Obviously make sure to protect them from serious harm like staircases and other things they can climb high enough to seriously hurt themselves, stoves, traffic, etc.

You'll be fine. The first week or two is a little scary, but you'll get the hang of it really quickly if you're engaged and paying attention.

Recommending books seems to be not in fashion. I read some during the pregnancy of my wife. They were helpful. The most helpful one that I am using right now is unfortunately in German. It is really good, but with no translation (Largo, Babyjahre). The rest is in English.

1. What to expect When You're Expecting

http://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-When-Youre-Expecting/dp/07...

It is the classic on the subject and helped when there were some questions. Nutrition is really important. It becomes especially important after the birth.

2. What's Going on in There?

A book about the brain development of the child. It helped me to understand things better.

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/055...

3. Beyond the sling.

This book is about parenting in general. It helps you broaden your mind. I would not recommend all of it. But carrying your child around helps in a lot of ways.

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Sling-Real-Life-Confident-Attac...

I recommend 'Be Prepared'. It's a funny book with great illustrations. It is also a very useful book with great advice.

I know you want scientific books, but I can't think of any. There are experts on childhood learning, like Piaget, you can use Google and Stack Exchange to find almost anything, and you also do have access to scientific, peer-reviewed articles (use Google, once again, or go to a university library) if you have the inclination and skill to get what you need from them.

That said...Do you need to do this? I say you probably don't when it comes to parenting.

Knowledge and wisdom are two different things. You'll get farthest by being a good partner to your wife and by taking some time every day to reflect on where you're going and let what you've learned from experience sink in.

Parenting is more like something you practice and live. It's hard to capture it's essence in book form.

Also, people are a tremendous resource. People you know personally and can speak to personally might be able to provide something books don't have. Think about the people you know and most respect. If any of them are experienced parents then go to them. That set of people hopefully includes your mom.

And your dad.

Happy father's day and congratulations!

As a hacker and father, I've found "do what feels right" to be pretty good advice. I'm not saying I'm an absolutely stellar father or anything (contrary to the "Best dad ever" shirt I received for Father's Day), but my son is very bright and healthy, and always seems happy to see me so I figure I must be doing something correctly. I might be a bit overprotective, but I'm okay with that.

One thing: I don't know how much you tend to bring your work home with you, but that has to stop between the time you get home, and the time your child goes to bed. This was a tough one for me, since children aren't nearly as intellectually stimulating as programming or reading - that said, I'm a much happier person for it. I still read and program in my spare time, but only once the little one is asleep.

Also I found any books recommended to me to be absolutely worthless. Not saying there are no good parenting books, just that I haven't read any.

Finally, congratulations! The fact that you're already concerned with doing a good job tells me you'll probably be a great dad. Like I said, just do what feels right :)

The good news is pretty much everything important has already been decided. The bad news is that almost nothing you do now is going to make much of difference to how your child turns out.

Be loving and forgive yourself for all your failings as a dad. Don’t forget about your wife’s needs as a person and not just as a mother or else you will only be seeing your child every second Saturday.

I think exactly the opposite. Education is the only important thing, and the genes are a minor thing. After all with enough water one can grow nice vegetation on almost any kind of soil.

No amount of water is going to turn an oak tree into an avocado tree.

Having had three boys who are totally different from each other I have lost all belief in my importance post-conception in shaping who they are. Just love and forgive.

Both tree can grow and become beautiful in their own way, given enough water. There is no ugly tree, to my knowledge.

This is true, but what the tree will become is there from the stage of the seed. At best your contribution is to allow the tree (and your children) to become the best they can be, but if you miss one day of watering, or forget the fertiliser another, then things will turn out OK. Children really only need love and attention and they will grow through any mistakes you might make along the way.

My 2-year-old son has had more than his share of hospital visits and doctor appointments. I'm incredibly thankful to everyone involved in the medical profession -- doctors, nurses, techs, researchers, pharmaceuticals, everyone who has helped my son be healthy and happy. But one thing I've learned is that they're not always right.

Don't allow doctors and nurses to make decisions about your child's healthcare without running them through your sanity filter. Something as routine as a blood draw can be very traumatic for both child and parent -- you'll be in the position of physically restraining your child while he or she screams in horror. Usually the doctors and nurses know what they're doing. But sometimes they're faced with complex choices and they face these choices without knowing anything about your child's personality. They'll often err on the side of caution, and usually they're right, but it's your job to ask the questions to make sure of this. You are your child's only real advocate -- everyone else is just doing his/her job, sometimes well and sometimes not so well, though virtually always well-intentioned.

I've been in the situation of arguing (politely) with a physician in an ER because he didn't have a good reason for ordering some tests for my boy. I'm sure he's great at his job, and on adults these tests are basically (emotionally) free, but I don't take inducing terror in my son lightly so they're not free by my reckoning. I ended up getting him to call my son's primary care physician, who agreed with me and recommended the tests not be done. I'm pretty sure we would have walked out without the tests anyway, because he couldn't give a sound reason for the tests. You don't have to go to medical school to apply basic logic and rationality.

Get all the CDC-recommended vaccinations. Sometimes you have to pay the price.

I'm mostly just making it up as I go along. It works out fine. :)

We did take a few classes, which was good for me. Probably stuff my wife already knew. (How to swaddle, how to change diapers, massage techniques to alleviate pain during contraction, and general what to expect stuff.)

Food for mommy - they decided my wife had gestational diabetes, so carb intake was regulated a bit. The numbers were borderline so I'm not sure it was an actual issue. But I got to play with the USDA nutrition database to work out numbers for my recipes.

The food for baby stuff comes later, but it was important to me to make our own food. I started with the River Cottage Baby Cookbook. It'll be mommy milk for a while, then simple purées, then more complex stuff. No salt for a while. I froze stuff in silicone ice cube trays, so we'd have easy portions to pull out of the freezer.

If you like to cook, read Hungry Monkey. It's a fun "foodie raising baby" anecdote.

They're all different. Very different. Your baby might sleep through the night after two weeks, or not for six to eight months. You won't know until they're born. That was our experience. The lack of sleep was the biggest adjustment for us.

This series is good: http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-Old-Fun-Loving-12--24-Mo...

Read to them every night starting as soon as you want. The first night they read to themselves is really cool.

If they are ok traveling, take them places. Kids love new experiences, and it's really fun to see things through their eyes.

Uncle speaking; my second niece was born on Friday! I'm in Australia, they in the UK ... I'll get to see them all in a few months.

The first niece, now 7, is a spectacular human. Her parents are, in the kindest sense - and I truly mean this as a compliment - idiots. They don't take themselves seriously. They laugh. They go out, they have fun, they meet new people, they embrace life. Neither are rich, nor will they ever be.

I once said to my mam, "look at that kid. How is she so happy? How is that possible?!". Her response: all she's ever known is laughter and happiness. How could she not be like that?

So, my utterly unqualified advice: enjoy it. Smile and laugh a lot. Don't stress, especially not the little details. Everything will be just fine.

Congratulations!

My partner and I found that there are a ton of books that often contradict each other or promote fads with no evidence to back up their assertions. So we deliberately eschewed all (parenting) books during baby's early years.

This decision turned out to be good for us, we weren't stressed about sticking to the "rules" from one book or other. Instead we listened to our instincts and feedback from the infant under test. Humans have done this for a long time (and it works).

Whatever you choose, do give yourself time for introspective evaluation of your parenting and discuss with your partner what you think is working/not working. This can be hard to do after 3 hours of interrupted sleep but it has paid dividends for us.

Most of the books suck and aren't worth reading. The best perspective is this book called "How Children Succeed". Basically focus on the big things -- teach grit, curiosity, self-control, etc. That took alot of the stress out of everything and allowed me to focus on what mattered. The "Conscious Parent" was a good one too -- again focus on the everyday and don't be a helicopter parent is the message there. Lastly as more of a straight up playbook we read one of those French parenting books, "Bringing up Bebe" -- totally helped with toddler eating. What you expect when you're expecting -- throw it in the garbage.

No book can really prepare you. The best thing to do is bask in the moment for now and start to slowly but surely prepare.

For now, make sure the baby is healthy and everything is going well in there. High five your wife too - she's going to be carrying a lot all too soon!

As for the whole process, I found the best thing for me was simply learning from and observing fathers I respect and admire. My grandfather is probably one of the biggest influences on my own journey as a father, but I've done mt best to absorb what seems wise from many people I know.

In the end, just observe, absorb, learn - and discard what you consider unwise or not suited to how you want to be as a father,

And of course, many congratulations!!

Congrats! Just about to celebrate our twin girls' first birthday in two weeks. I went through same as you - bought books and read articles but I can honestly say they didn't really help - they only make you worry about things you might not need to worry about. My advice would be hold your breath and jump in - it is crazy, it is hectic, at times scary but it is an amazing adventure. Learn as you go and take advice (including this!) with a pinch of salt. Every baby is different - both our girls are very different and the same advice doesn't work for both - you need to find what works for you.

Good luck and enjoy.

> Did any of you read a helpful book that approached prenatal nutrition (I cook for us), preparation, early child rearing, etc. from a scientific or "hacker" perspective?

Full stop. Drop the "hacker" perspective from this discussion. It has no place here, children are more important than that. If you want to have a scientific approach, pick up some psychology books.

I think the best book from raising children is Positive Discipline, Outside of that, the best way to be a dad is to constantly remind your children you love them, give them lots of hugs, and remember to support their interests, not yours.

Like everyone said, your time and attention are what is needed most. The book that resonated with me the most was the 'No regrets parenting'. Mostly it reinforces the idea that time and attention are important but also gives good ideas for how to make really good personal and family traditions. Ways to celebrate everyday moments you have with your kid don't need to be more than ice cream sundaes but they mean a lot. Like all advice take this with a grain of salt and see how it works for you.

For early child rearing, I found "Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, 5th Edition: Birth to Age 5" by American Association of Pediatrics, very handy and simple.

Read all the books that are popular / recommended, so that you can see all the contradictions between them. Even the most sane-seeming books have plenty of superstition and unfounded advice. Even the most fad-ish books have some good stuff. For example, you may or may not decide you'd like to go full 'baby led weaning', but the cookbooks available which espouse the philosophy still have plenty of great recipes and food ideas.

I think the only really useful book I read for the steps towards becoming a parent (how to support your partner, being practical and useful during the actual birth, etc, etc) was Cheers to Childbirth http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13557192-cheers-to-childb...

From a "hacker" vibe, http://www.amazon.com/The-Baby-Owners-Manual-Trouble-Shootin... is cute; I can't judge the quality of the information it provides.

Grass-fed Kerry Gold butter, pastured eggs (not just free range or cage free), and maybe the pre-natal vitamins. I credit those with no evidence that they were key. My gf was healthy and had no problems whatsoever, and was the only one of her immediate family that didn't get sick. Even I got sick from a sick dog, and I used to almost never get sick. I now have the most beautiful baby girl and it's not because of parental bias - she is complimented just about every day by strangers.

There's more to it I'm sure. My gf was an athlete before this and I made sure she got plenty of protein and healthy foods, but the above was part of it all. She also walked daily for miles.

I don't know anything about whether the butter and eggs caused your wife not to get sick (though I'm skeptical)... but I'm pretty sure it's not what made your girl beautiful :D

People tend to look for a magic bullet to solve their health issues. The above is not a magic bullet unless you were critically short of some nutrients, but rather it is a daily expression of finding the best ingredients from what is available.

Wild or free range meat is not easily affordable. Nor is wild fish depending on where you live, and fish is a pain to clean, cook, and keep fresh. Pastured butter and eggs however is a good bang for your buck.

A rich diet, exercise, and sure some genetics made all the difference (maybe we should have became underwear models?).

> Grass-fed Kerry Gold butter, pastured eggs (not just free range or cage free), and maybe the pre-natal vitamins.

You put a "maybe" in front of the only thing that has a strong evidential base a d which is recommended by WHO and a bunch of national health advice bodies?

Pre-natal vitamins are commonly used, so they do not explain an un-common result.

Books Dr. Sears and the AMA has one. Their dad book is junk, because either it's mostly health and most of the dad books are written as if you are a bungling fool.

Dr. Sears... you mean the anti-vax moron?

Everyone has missed the only thing you need to know:

http://theoatmeal.com/pl/minor_differences4/kids

Just be there.

Manage expectations. Children can be a lot more stressful than many people anticipate. Plan for sleep interruptions and discuss with your partner how you might manage sleep disruption so you both get some sleep rather than both of you getting next to none. Realize that nappies need to be changed a lot, you will get stains on your lush carpet and stuff will get broken. The amazing highlights you might already be imagining might make up 5-10% of the experience of having children - the other 90% ranges from the boring/mundane to the maddening/frustrating/despair inducing. Hopefully that 5% will outshine the rest, and for many people it will, but realize it won't be all peaches and cream. And be prepared for CHANGE. In your life, your partners life, and especially in your relationship. You live by a whole different set of rules now, and special time together (just you and your partner), let alone time to yourself, may become a distant memory for a few years. Your partners body will change, and may never see its pre-baby days, your sex life will be hit and miss for a long time, and there is in fact a whole lot of stuff that will never be the same again. Be prepared to accept and deal with this change, and learn to love it.

Be realistic, and develop strategies to deal with the reality of having a second full-time job. I think this whole space is ripe for "lifehacker" style innovation, so go for it. Above all remember that it is not all about YOU anymore - it is about a little life you have created, and your happiness will no longer come from getting what you want on a daily basis, but from seeing this little life develop and flourish into a healthy and happy person.

And good luck!

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