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Comment by benj111 | Hacker News Reader

At what point does a nude become unsolicited though? I mean this is a dating site.

If I put my arm around someone or lean in for a kiss that could be unsolicited but shouldn't be illegal in the context of a date. Similarly dirty talking in a date is different to doing it in the office.

I suppose this could be dealt with through user preferences (don't show nudes/ doesn't appreciate nudes) but the line seems blurred in this situation. It isn't as if you're walking around town in a Mac.

I'm not saying it's ok, but it's not definitely, not ok. People are different, dating is already hard enough without worrying about if you're going to be arrested for trying to get to second base.

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It's honestly baffling that I have to explain this, but: Expressing interest in finding someone to date does not imply any form of consent to being sent nudes.

Some people might want that, and for them it would make sense if platforms added an opt-in feature to signal their interest in unsolicited nudes, or to opt-out of whatever form of filtering there might be.

But the default should be that you can open an app for meeting people without being forced to see someone's dick.

Well I've already covered the second two paragraphs.

And I didn't claim the first paragraph was the case.

But I can see a flirty conversation getting to a point where sending a nude might be reasonable to one party. Just like putting a hand on someone's inner thigh might be reasonable to one party at a certain point in a date. It may not be appreciated, signs might have been misread, but unless you want people to sign contracts before they go to bed with each other there's always the danger of there being misunderstandings. And in my view misunderstandings shouldn't be criminalised.

My girlfriend might not appreciate me sending her nudes. I hope we can agree that's different to flashing at random people on the street.

My point is there's nuance. This isn't a black and white issue, certainly in the context of a dating app.

It is always unsolicited until it is reasonably, directly solicited

Right but then you're making 'reasonably' and 'directly' do a lot of heavy lifting.

And what does directly even mean in this context? The standards for initiating sex don't require a sit down conversation as to what each party is agreeing to. So why should nude sending be held to a different standard?

In modern countries that have implemented a consent-based model instead of a coercion-based one you can't just initiate sex with someone based on your presumption that the other person wants it. If they actually don't (even if they don't explicitly say "no") it's considered rape by the law.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_consent_in_law

And in what consent based jurisdictions are you required to sit down and have a conversation about what is going to happen?

All of them if you want to be sure, which you should. Update your obsolete and outdated view on consent.

Should I also breathalyse my girlfriend if she gets drunk and horny?

She tells me off if I suggest going to bed to have sex because it kills the mood. So what? Am I to give up sex because our views on consent don't match up with your views?

Have you ever actually been in a relationship? Or do you just have an aversion to sponteniety?

Wow, disgusting comment. I have no interest in discussing this with a rape apologist. Good bye and I hope you come to realize how ancient your views on equality are.

The context for this is talking to a person on a dating app where you haven't met them personally. In that case, assuming you've never met them, I think it's inappropriate to send an explicit photo/video unless they straight up ask to see it.

"The standards for initiating sex don't require a sit down conversation as to what each party is agreeing to."

This attitude leads to women having sex/relations they aren't super comfortable doing. It's not a mood killer if you take a beat just to make sure you're on the same page with expectations and it takes a lot less time than locating, opening, and putting on a condom.

You stated in a different comment that your gf tells you off and it kills the mood if you ask to move to the bedroom or having sex while impaired, but surely you realize that's a totally different situation than you meeting up with someone from a dating app, right? Spontaneously acting with someone you know and with who you have built trust is waaaaaay different than sending an unsolicited nude or making advances on someone who is a little more than a stranger.

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