Comment by Gigachad | Hacker News Reader

Comment by Gigachad | Hacker News Reader

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Love my kids but man I wish i was still a DINK. Turns out being a parent isn’t as grand as I thought it would be nor have I found myself to be enjoying the parenting lifestyle or finding myself as a naturally maternal dad… I know two other guys who feel the exact same way.

I feel bad for feeling this way but i wish our 230 k income (now severely reduced due to wife working part time for past 2 years) was me and the mrs living in a penthouse overlooking the water and being able to go to the gym, do my hobbies, travel the world, retiring earlier, not having to put away $100 per week per kid into savings for when they are older l due to this f’d up expensive world.

Our lives now consist of being sick, stressed, constant arguing, being unhealthy, paying a shitload in daycare fees , tired, not exercising, having to buy a bigger car/house etc etc… the kids come first and get what they need and have heaps of clothes, always eat healthy etc but man I feel like I have aged about 10 years in the past 2 years. My wife and I are defintly no longer the same people we used to be. It’s kinda funny, sad and nostalgic at the same time when our iPhones randomly show up clips/photos of us pre having kids and how youthful and happy we were and the photos are always us smiling in one of our many overseas holidays without a care in the world. Fast forward a few years and life is completely different, not necessarily worse, but just different.

Once the kids are older the daycare fees go away, and they start to look after themselves more.

Sounds like you may be an urbanite. Judging from the penthouse reference. Feeling pinched at that income is a special joy of city living. Or California.

One thing to consider is that some athletic clubs offer family plans with daycare included for an affordable price. The breaks are priceless.

How many kids and how old? If you have multiple kids under 5, just remind yourself to chill. It will get better.

My daughter is now 11 years old and... well it does get "better" in some senses, but the constant work remains. There are plenty of fun moments sure, but now that she is a "tween" new challenges have arisen.

The happiest people I know are those who had kids very early in life, and managed to maintain their careers despite this. Their adult children no longer demand so much work, yet the parents still have the benefit of their company and the satisfaction of watching them develop independently.

Freed from the constant effort of parenting, these people can now return to the DINK lifestyle.

The age of the parents is irrelevant in this, it's simply an observation that older children are less work than younger children (approaching zero as they're adults, obviously). The only time this might be relevant is if you're having kids at such an old age that you're going to be retiring before they're independent, which is rare for men and bordering on impossible for women.

> The age of the parents is irrelevant in this, it's simply an observation that older children are less work than younger children (approaching zero as they're adults, obviously). The only time this might be relevant is if you're having kids at such an old age that you're going to be retiring before they're independent, which is rare for men and bordering on impossible for women.

I would argue otherwise for a few reasons.

First, when you are young, you are physically more capable of handling the disruption of the young child. You can get by on less sleep, and your body will be more resilient to the awkward schedule. As you age the physical demands will be more difficult to handle.

Similarly, the "return to DINK" status does NOT imply retirement. If you have children in your early 20s, you can end up as DINKs in your early 40s. Sure you may still have to work, but at that age you are able to fully enjoy most of the activities you could in your 20s without yet having much diminished physical capacity, and as a bonus now your adult children can join you in those activities. By the time you do retire, your finances should fully recover from the hit of having children decades ago and you can afford to take many vacations.

Now instead imagine that you have children at age 40+. You will be exhausted, your physical activity will be reduced, the disruption in lifestyle stacks with the ravages of aging. It is much more difficult to remain healthy as you age, nevermind the huge burden and loss of free time associated with the children. And if you hadn't saved up enough in advance, the financial hit could be substantial, and it might delay your retirement.

In addition, if you have children younger in life, you are more likely to have the previous generation available to help shoulder some of the burden. The longer you wait, the less able your parents' generation is to assist as their own health declines.

There are some pros to waiting of course, if you are in a fast paced and highly demanding career you may not be able to weather the added burden of children while advancing, so having them later might increase your overall earning capacity. You can also live the DINK lifestyle while you are still at your healthiest.

there is a comment here that's dead: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33261300 which speaks about their regret not having kids earlier.

i want to respond to that comment with:

i fully agree. i had my kids late and i am almost fifty now. i am not regretting having kids so late, but i feel much better than i thought i would feel at that age. and that's what got me thinking that having kids earlier would mean we'd now be independent and, given the higher income would be able to do a lot more interesting things than i was able to earlier. again. i have no regrets, especially because i was able to travel and live in many different places before i got married, much more than the average person, which i would not have been able to do, had i married and gotten kids earlier. so it's a tradeoff, but it's something well worth considering. just make sure you have a partner that shares your motivations.

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