>NoSQL, frankly, is utterly pointless, and I have no clue why it ever caught on.

It caught on because "feature factory" startups used simple frameworks to make an MVP and didn't know shit about RDBMS administration, optimization, or schema planning so when it was schema migration time it was time for things to start breaking. With NoSQL (specifically the "document store" types) you could just keep throwing shit in there whenever you needed it -- magic schema migration! And it was "Web Scale"©!