> What I think we figured out is that we have "compatible" (co-enabling) anxieties

Good news, you're completely normal. Every couple has their unconscious dance both in a positive and negative way.

Barring physical ailments, low vitamin D (etc), the solution for anxiety is do your healing work. Anxiety is often unresolved fear, anger, shame, guilt, etc. Everyone has anxieties, and they have to be dealt with daily.