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UI_at_80x24

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

I have been struggling with depression for 35+ years.

I have attempted to kill myself. [Yes I failed at that too! =)]

I thought about (and planned) killing myself several times a day.

I have had 6+ Psychiatrists.

I have tried EVERY drug available.

Electric Shock Therapy was going to be next, but I have avoided it.

The best drugs only work for 6'ish months for me.

Then my doctor offered an experimental Ketamine treatment. I've had 3 rounds of treatment over the last 6 years. I didn't obsess about killing myself any longer. It's almost like I forgot to dwell on it.

I still have some bad days, but my bad days now are better then my best days used to be. So that's an improvement.

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I'm very happy you found something that works for you. What method of ketamine treatment have you been taking? I just stopped after 2 months of troches, which didn't seem to bring significant, if any, benefit.

Interestingly, I found myself abnormally susceptible to the psychedelic effects. When taking ketamine orally, the expectation is that most of the medicine is absorbed while you hold the troch in your mouth for 30+ minutes. After a lot of experimentation, I found that I barely absorb any medicine through my mouth, but once I swallow it I absorb it very rapidly. This made it difficult to control the delivery speed, and likely hindered my treatment.

I haven't been dealing with depression for anywhere near as long as you, but I do speak from experience about how terrible it is to not find anything that works. I've gone through ~13 of the most commonly prescribed drugs for depression, anxiety, and sleep, and none brought any relief. I've now tried and failed out of ketamine, which I was really hopeful for. Now I'm just back to sitting around trying to get _any_ doctor to actually see me and maybe get tested for various neurodivergent conditions.

I was given IV treatment.

Every treatment had slightly different results, but only 1 offered me any kind of significant moments.

The most commonly repeated imagery was usually geometric patterns (usually in a glowing neon, accompanied with an EDM auditory hallucination as well), and old-fashioned TV static.

I refer to these sessions as 'brain rewiring'.

The singular significant moment was a quiet nothingness. All the voices stopped. All the inner talk stopped. I can best describe it as:

cat BRAIN >/dev/null

It was incredible, and the only true inner peace I have ever felt.

>I have attempted to kill myself. [Yes I failed at that too! =)]

We call that failing with great success :)

I consider it a personal victory that I was able to get the 'fresh out of school' psychologist to laugh when I told that joke at the hospital.

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