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Comment by JetAlone | Hacker News Reader

You have no actually good reason to remain in your relationship if you're a lying adulterer. You only have evil, selfish reasons.

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Everyone's different, and every relationship is different. Sometimes people get trapped, either by money or laws or something else. It's human nature to make judgements about other peoples' relationships, but unless you're in a relationship it can be hard to see the forces at work.That's often true even if it's your own relationship.

Okay, nuance et cetera, but can cheaters have the basic human decency to recognize that they're making a choice which is harmful to their family in order to benefit themselves? Or is that asking too much self-awareness?

Really, it might not be harmful to their families, beyond harm that's already happened. Marriages are complicated. For example, some marriages are essentially financial arrangements, maintained by both parties despite romantic betrayal. Some marriages start as romatic arrangements, but morph into marriages of convenience, or are maintained "for the sake of the kids".

And sticking with a broken marriage "for the sake of the kids" isn't always the wrong thing to do. It depends.

I would then argue that that's not cheating.

Cheating involves deception, the deception is telling your partner that they're your exclusive romantic interest when they're not. If everybody knows and everyone is fine with it, then there is no problem.

I'm not sure GP is arguing for a negotiated open relationship, since this whole comment tree is about affairs.

I figured the idea was more "having an affair can be OK if you really need it because your marriage sucks, divorce and a negotiated open relationship are not viable options, and provided no one finds out"

Kids is a popular excuse. See also fucked up divorce laws, etc. See also the good intentions pavement system so well known on roads leading to hell.

Kid's'd be better off with a repressed parent, or an impoverished deserter parent, than a cheater. Cheating kills the trust in both parents, because the cheater becomes a disgusting liar and the one cheated on will likely be seen as too weak or otherwise unfitting, to be a good role model. Either way the child will doubt the value of the parents they even came from. That really leads to hell, for the whole family.

Quite a yarn you're spinning. But can it be even more reductive and clichéd?

I sense a religious undertone... The type that would force the sanctity of marriage at all costs to avoid 'sin' and save face with God. Maybe also with some warped victim blaming and sexism thrown in for good measure, topped with a generous helping of sanctimony.

Maybe...

Yeah, yeah,

"Up yours woke religious moralists. We'll see who condemns who."

there's plenty of couples that are amicably separated and take care of their kids fine, even some who still share a house (though not many tbh). besides it's still their fault for having kids without being sure they can handle the comittment then not being willing to stick with it.

> without being sure they can handle the comittment then not being willing to stick with it.

that bar is so high, I applaud anyone who can even comprehend it.

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