Sir, may I remind you that when you get down to it, your architecture and higher order functions are all made of branching and for and while loops, and branching and for and while loops are all made of goto.
You hide the details but you never forget they’re there, lest they spoil and start smelling really bad.
(Also, apparently the MOV instruction on amd64 gives you Turing completeness as proved by that crazy compiler, so gotos may be made of MOVs sometimes, but meh)