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Comment by em-bee | Hacker News Reader

did your friendship actually end or did you just loose sight of each other?

how would you feel if that person contacted you now?

i have friends that i consider close, that i only talk to once a year or even much longet. and not so close friends that i talk to every day.

it is indeed the shared context, similar personal experiences and trust that connect us. the friendship doesn't stop just because we stop talking, it does stop however if something happens that breaks the trust between us and we have no opportunity to regain that trust by creating more shared context

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> how would you feel if that person contacted you now?

Well, I would just talk with them as if nothing happened However, the conversation always end up with most of them asking something from me.

I think you can get the idea on why I feel this way.

oh, i totally get you. and i don't want to try to analyze your situation. (i am neither qualified, nor is it my place to do that) i am just making general comments how i would see the situation if it occurred to me.

the thing that i initially picked up on was when you said "When I stopped putting effort, even these relationship got eroded. This was the moment I realized that there is no such thing as friendship which author described." because i think it is possible to keep staying friends without putting in effort to keep in touch. the only effort that is needed is that if my friend contacts me, that i do not ignore them because that sends a confusing signal. but if we both stop communicating then we should be able to resume later. again, i am not saying that this should have happened to you. and it doesn't always happen to me like that either.

what i am trying to get at is, that just because you couldn't experience it yet, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

good friends are rare. but they do exist.

Well, I would just talk with them as if nothing happened

which is what i would do too.

However, the conversation always end up with most of them asking something from me.

but then what happens? do they keep asking for favors without giving you the feeling that you are still friends? that would be unfortunate. and i would not know how to deal with that either. if it happens rarely and they are not big favors i might not think much of it. maybe it is just part of their struggle to keep in touch. maybe follow up with asking them something in return. how they have been, i don't know. this is something i struggle with, because i am uncomfortable with small talk. to start a conversation i need to have a reason, or a topic to talk about.

but what ever it is, it doesn't mean the friendship is over, or that it can't be reactivated. frankly, if someone is upset because i didn't keep in touch, then that's their problem. if they think, for you to be worthy of their friendship requires effort on your part, then they probably weren't good friends to begin with.

but the same goes the other way around. if others asking for favors is a problem, i'd think about why that is so.

_do they keep asking for favors without giving you the feeling that you are still friends?_

Then they disappear until the next time. I do not mind helping others at all! I try to help people as much as I can.

_if they think, for you to be worthy of their friendship requires effort on your part, then they probably weren't good friends to begin with._

This might be the case with me atm. I simply can't afford to manage a perfectly feasible time because of personal reasons. However, I have friends who work around these limitations and still manage to catch up. There are some who do not consider this limitation.

You build expectations around relationships. It's hard when you define a rut. Try to reach out and suggest something to an old friend.

A trick for making friend is often to make a minor ask. It makes a person psychologically invested in you. In this case, the people are asking you and you are giving, but you don't ask. Try to ask them for some sort of help, even if you don't need it. It's hard for me to ask people to do things or help me, but this it's often easier than setting aside a block of time convenient for both of you. Other people want to be helpful also.

A trick for making friend is often to make a minor ask

i was actually thinking about that when reading the posts. are those friends asking for something in an attempt to reconnect?

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