Comment by going_ham | Hacker News Reader

Comment by going_ham | Hacker News Reader

I really can't understand the idea of friendship. Throughout my life, I never had the opportunity to foster a meaningful friendly relationship (one with trust, loyalty, support etc.) I found it to be apparent when people toss over the things I do.

I have a lot of acquaintances and friends but very few close friends. Other than that, I feel like most people only talk with me when they absolutely need something. Otherwise, I am always the last person to be called on anything.

> Becoming disentangled from your web of mutual commitments, shared history, and collective responsibility is to be rendered into a transaction, a slave.

When author compared that having this "disentangled" social web is like being enslaved to business, I couldn't relate it. Isn't it completely normal? I don't want to idolize friendship, but everything will end eventually. I have experienced this throughout multiple phases of my life. No one of the so called friends made effort to contact me once I disappeared from social media. Only my close friends remained because I put the effort to do so. When I stopped putting effort, even these relationship got eroded (One can't clap with a single hand). This was the moment I realized that there is no such thing as friendship which author described.

Life is what you give meaning to. It's nice that author is there to foster social meaning. For some reason the post felt like it's trying to create void that people without close friends are missing things from life. When I came in peace that I can't rely on any other person but myself, I found peace.

Life has multiple dimensions. No one has to live in one way. It's better to find our own ways and be happy with it.

PS: Just a minor opinion! Do not take it personally.

did your friendship actually end or did you just loose sight of each other?

how would you feel if that person contacted you now?

i have friends that i consider close, that i only talk to once a year or even much longet. and not so close friends that i talk to every day.

it is indeed the shared context, similar personal experiences and trust that connect us. the friendship doesn't stop just because we stop talking, it does stop however if something happens that breaks the trust between us and we have no opportunity to regain that trust by creating more shared context

> how would you feel if that person contacted you now?

Well, I would just talk with them as if nothing happened However, the conversation always end up with most of them asking something from me.

I think you can get the idea on why I feel this way.

oh, i totally get you. and i don't want to try to analyze your situation. (i am neither qualified, nor is it my place to do that) i am just making general comments how i would see the situation if it occurred to me.

the thing that i initially picked up on was when you said "When I stopped putting effort, even these relationship got eroded. This was the moment I realized that there is no such thing as friendship which author described." because i think it is possible to keep staying friends without putting in effort to keep in touch. the only effort that is needed is that if my friend contacts me, that i do not ignore them because that sends a confusing signal. but if we both stop communicating then we should be able to resume later. again, i am not saying that this should have happened to you. and it doesn't always happen to me like that either.

what i am trying to get at is, that just because you couldn't experience it yet, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

good friends are rare. but they do exist.

Well, I would just talk with them as if nothing happened

which is what i would do too.

However, the conversation always end up with most of them asking something from me.

but then what happens? do they keep asking for favors without giving you the feeling that you are still friends? that would be unfortunate. and i would not know how to deal with that either. if it happens rarely and they are not big favors i might not think much of it. maybe it is just part of their struggle to keep in touch. maybe follow up with asking them something in return. how they have been, i don't know. this is something i struggle with, because i am uncomfortable with small talk. to start a conversation i need to have a reason, or a topic to talk about.

but what ever it is, it doesn't mean the friendship is over, or that it can't be reactivated. frankly, if someone is upset because i didn't keep in touch, then that's their problem. if they think, for you to be worthy of their friendship requires effort on your part, then they probably weren't good friends to begin with.

but the same goes the other way around. if others asking for favors is a problem, i'd think about why that is so.

_do they keep asking for favors without giving you the feeling that you are still friends?_

Then they disappear until the next time. I do not mind helping others at all! I try to help people as much as I can.

_if they think, for you to be worthy of their friendship requires effort on your part, then they probably weren't good friends to begin with._

This might be the case with me atm. I simply can't afford to manage a perfectly feasible time because of personal reasons. However, I have friends who work around these limitations and still manage to catch up. There are some who do not consider this limitation.

You build expectations around relationships. It's hard when you define a rut. Try to reach out and suggest something to an old friend.

A trick for making friend is often to make a minor ask. It makes a person psychologically invested in you. In this case, the people are asking you and you are giving, but you don't ask. Try to ask them for some sort of help, even if you don't need it. It's hard for me to ask people to do things or help me, but this it's often easier than setting aside a block of time convenient for both of you. Other people want to be helpful also.

A trick for making friend is often to make a minor ask

i was actually thinking about that when reading the posts. are those friends asking for something in an attempt to reconnect?

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