Comment by smeej | Hacker News Reader

Comment by smeej | Hacker News Reader

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I don't think it needs to be formalized to this extent, but I would LOVE it if people would make a habit of saying, before they share anything they would like kept private, "Please do not share this with [audience, like "Jane" or "anyone"], at least until [date/other thing that needs to happen first]." I'd be delighted if someone sent me this FriendDA.

I can't tell you how many times I've inadvertently blown a secret just because I didn't know it was a secret. It's to the point where as soon as anyone asks me, "Hey, can I tell you something?" I ask for these details.

People think other people should always be able to tell. Some of us can't. I don't just not read minds. I also don't (usually) read social cues.

There's definitely an audience for this. It just isn't you!

It feels like there is a cultural difference here.

If someone tells me something in a one on one or small group conversation, my default assumption is that I should not share that with anyone else. The idea that I would have to tell someone to not share details of a private conversation is crazy to me. Unless stated otherwise, respect people's privacy.

Obviously there are people that gossip, which is kind of the same thing, but also is very much frowned upon.

People tell me what seem like mundane things in conversation all the time, though, like that they're going on a vacation or have started taking dance lessons, and it never occurs to me that this is meant to be a surprise to someone for some reason, or that there's someone that person wouldn't want to know it.

For example, once a friend told me they were going on vacation to a particular city, but didn't mention it was for another friend's anniversary surprise. When the other friend mentioned they had a trip planned to the same place around the same time, "Oh! [First friend] just told me she's going to be there too! Maybe you guys can meet up together or something! That'd be so fun!" was out of my mouth almost immediately. It never even entered into my mind that there was a reason not to say anything.

I inadvertently ruined a fun surprise just because nobody told me it was a secret. If they had, I wouldn't have said anything!

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