Please talk to a therapist or counselor before making any decisions. It sounds like you need someone to help talk through emotions, your plans, your desires, etc, and a trained professional will be able to help here. It’s not a sign of weakness, and these people really can help you make great decisions and really iron out what it is that you want, what the costs are for different decisions, etc. and there isn’t much to lose, only more information and better decision making to be gained.

Think of it like hiring a coach. Lebron James has a coach. Tia Toomey has a coach. The worlds most successful business leaders have coaches. It’s alright to hire one who can work with you on making your life better. Best of luck!