feeling this, almost 40. seems like dating is off the menu forevermore but I really never took enough time to enjoy it. Too busy playing with my computers
for me it's been boardgaming, polyamory meetups mainly... and volunteering to teach things.
it's a muscle, socializing, it's something that improves with use (but also gets exhausted with overuse)
If you really wanted it you could spend a couple years getting in tip-top shape and expand your pool to more like late-30s and you might have better luck than you think... But you gotta put in SOME effort.
(also, just lose some weight, even if you don't get fit. it's an incredible level-up.)
Yeah this is the real problem. Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models, but you have to be special to do this. You really would have a lot more than no success with people your own age.
No they really don't. This is an idea pushed by sociopaths who are somewhere between trash and downright dangerous. They can't date older women because older women spot their bullshit a mile away and steer clear.
I think you should stop demonizing men's natural sexual preferences. Key word here is natural, we don't choose what we like. Nature choose for us, and young women are better at having children. Same reason young girls choose tall, rich men, because they are better at surviving and have more resources for raising children.
Nature maximizes reproduction and that's what we like.
Which is to say, it's incorrect to broaden your personal attractions to all men, and especially incorrect to try and couch it in some argument of biological naturalism.
Yes, at least date we do. Not necessarily marry, not necessarily spend a Sunday with, but date sure.
For centuries high status men have mated with younger women.
You sound bitter and resentful.
This is conflating fucking with dating.
I'd agree with sibling comment that meeting people out in the world can be a lot more fulfilling. You probably know within seconds if you're (physically) attracted to people in the world. Apps can be deceiving.
Keep in mind that in your list of five items, you can manage all of them. If you want it badly enough, you can change #2, and based on your comment I'd argue this (negative self-image) may be at the root here. #3 is not a problem if you don't let it be--plenty of Bic-ed bald guys with attractive mates out there. We are all doled the genes we must live with, but I bet many of the perceived issues with #1 and #3 will improve if you fix #2. None of the women I have dated have cared, at all, about the money I do or don't have (#5). I live in a backyard cottage. I drive a 20 year old car. And as for #4, I can tell you I had a no-strings-attached relationship with a 21 year old for several months last year. She worked at the farmers market, which is where we met. I don't mean to brag, but you need know that each of those items in your list really is in your control.
It's a grind and a slog and it's scary to have conversations with complete strangers. But if it's something you want, I tell you it is possible.
EDIT: I should also mention I'm no "natural". I was terrified of girls in high school, didn't kiss anyone until I halfway through college, was stuck in a loveless long-term relationship for a decade after college because I was sure no one else other than this one person would ever love me, etc. It took a lot of learning and healing to describe myself as I did in the first paragraph. If I could do it, you can do it.
At the end of the day, we've got to live with the choices we make. And the choices we choose not to make are still choices.
And if you can't make yourself make those healthier / better choices even though you know the payoff is worth it, then you need to address the root cause that's driving that irrational behavior.
(Don't mean to sound callous but this feels like the right audience to be hyperlogical with.)
Easier said than done, but trust me it's possible.
Really, being able to talk will get you a lot farther than a six-pack and full head of hair. Trying to meet people on the hookup apps is an exercise in frustration for most people though, just go outside and be social.
> My problem is that I was very particular, which is odd because I was very desperate at the time. (...) You'll find that a lot of desperate people are very particular, like even Quasimodo. The hunchback had to have the best looking girl in the village. And then his friends would like and fix him up. They'd go "Quasi, there's a very nice girl in my office, a wonderful personality; I want to introduce you to her." (With a bizarre voice:) "Is she good looking?" "But Quasi! You're a monster! You're a heinous beast! What are you talking about?!" (Same bizarre voice:) "She has to be good looking."
Care to elaborate?
> Many are on anti-depressants or in therapy etc. After many relationships they seem to lose their ability to bond with a man. And most of them don't truly get any fulfilment from work, hobbies, friends etc. Not having children is a huge void in their lives which they often fill with cats.
I think you're projecting some very unhelpful stereotypes. Women aren't just breeding machines. Nothing wrong with therapy. And I know many who are doing just fine with work, hobbies, friends, etc.
Marriage is hard and throwing another culture values and the immigrant experience into the mix can often times make things more difficult.
As relationship advise, i say it’s less stigmatized (no accusations of sex tourism), and easier mentally (no spouse feels like they are the “other” living in a foreign culture) to date someone from a poorer economic background in your own nation. People from small towns have a lot in common with you, no language barriers, no immigration barriers, and should also be seen as a viable option.
Just my two cents…
Read Steppenwolf, it might mean something to you.