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Comment by smackeyacky | Hacker News Reader

What if you are being triggered by the incessent whining over something trivial? That's emotional abuse. I wouldn't put up with that, this kind of stuff needs perspective.

The only thing I got out of the article was that he was married to a control freak who liked to keep them off balance all the time.

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Something that is trivial to one may be very large to another. There is a whole slew of reasons why but just because one partner deems something trivial the other may not agree. Some things may objectively be trivial but we are a complex species. The flip side of this argument is that if its so trivial for one, why don't they change the behavior for the other who deems it non trivial?

Because this kind of behaviour is endemic in emotional abusers. There will always be something else that annoys them. Emotional abusers look for weaknesses and exploit them mercilessly. They don't really care about the issue and will move on to something else, ad infinitum.

This is the very reason why you never give a bully or a narcissist a single inch. What they are trying to do is keep you off balance, make you walk on eggshells and create a bubble of control.

If it's genuinely something that is causing a problem that is completely different from the typical needling/whining/unnecessary argument escalation over trivial bullshit that an emotional abuser will mete out.

I agree with you. I think this article is meaningless click bait TBH. The whole time I was thinking “or the marriage was ruined by the wife not being able to let a trivial non-issue go”. Seems like she was the one building resent over something that didn’t matter.

> This is the very reason why you never give a bully or a narcissist a single inch.

If you are married to the person surely the goal should be to find some middle ground.

If you are triggered by anything it is something you need to ask yourself why. And why you are with that person then, if they are triggering you.

With some (minor) exceptions, what people are getting in their relationships is at least 50% result of their own choices, and not owning that only prolongs the effects.

I cant think of worse relationship advise than be with someone who never triggers a negative response in you.

Some people are into shibari. And some aren’t. And both are okay.

Edit-add: also, I think “being with a person who never triggers a negative response in you” is just plain impossible. On some days I trigger a negative response with myself :-)

But based on my limited experience of two 10+ years relationships, I can say life is so much easier and fun when you have less things to disagree about.

But I also acknowledge that this is how I am wired - for some, fights are stimulating. Hence my initial reply with shibari. There exist rather interesting pathways to happiness.

What? You want more negative experiences? That defines a good relationship for you?

I can’t think of a better goal than to be with somebody so compatible that you have minimal friction and minimal issues.

Sure. Minimal. But if you rule people out for any amount of conflict then you will never be in a relationship long term. My wife and I do not argue often but it does happen.

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