Hi, sorry about your suffering. I think this is a hard thing to diagnose or make a prescription for, so everyone will be just telling you whatever has been good for them -- that's what I'm going to do.

I'm a little worried from your description that you might be aversive to some stuff that might be helpful. If a big part of the problem is an unruly mind that would benefit from training, it seems to me that you might have a choice between the easy way and the hard way, where the hard way actually is the easy way, i.e., bite the bullet and pay a bit now, or end up paying a lot more over the course of many years. I can't tell if that's the case... it's just something you have to evaluate.

If you think that's possible, here's the stuff I recommend: https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/the...

I've done that method for a few years, and all negative feelings like anger, sadness, anxiety, etc, have been greatly attenuated, whereas positive stuff like kindness, joy, and equanimity have greatly increased. The method simply trains the mind to be untroubled.