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Comment by matthewdgreen | Hacker News Reader

This happens to everyone in their 30s. You realize that "dying someday" -- which seemed like a big distant hypothetical when you were a kid -- is actually a thing that will happen on a timescale you can reason about. Your career gets hard and you don't really know the point of it. It takes a while to get over it.

Then you hit your 40s and you realize that since you're going to die anyway, why waste the time and die bored and mediocre? So you start appreciating things and choosing to do stuff that interests you, whatever that is.

YMMV obviously and N=1. But unless you have a terminal disease "I've hit 30 and my life is basically over" is just BS you're telling yourself.

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Well into my early 30's now, and can identify a fair bit with this, especially the "dying someday" being an actual time that will happen. Whilst it isn't massively interfering with my life, I do hope some of that dread and sadness stops popping up. It all started during lockdowns so might be to do with feeling like missing things.

One thing that has changed is how things seem more transitory, instead of something being THE thing, it's just the thing here and now, and it will all change before long. Which whilst it always made sense, I never really internalised it.

So is this the famous mid-life crisis everyone talks about? I never assumed this was it because I don't explicitly think about mortality all that much. I don't particularly mind that I'm going to die.

I also haven't bought a Harley or have the will to do anything of the sorts.

Guess I just have to figure out how to come out of it. It's been a slog and right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, hehe.

> So is this the famous mid-life crisis everyone talks about?

It sure sounds like it. Regarding "buying a Harley" I think that can act as a shorthand for "realizing life is short and doing something for yourself now that you have the means and while you can enjoy it", which is a good idea in my opinion.

Oh, life is far too short for a Harley. Buy a Ducati or something. ;)

No seriously though the other reason 35-year-olds buy a motorcycle or convertible or similar pleasure vehicle is that they actually can afford it, unlike new grads just out of school? (I differentiate the pleasure vehicle from the utility vehicle; if you buy a little 125cc motorcycle as a car-alternative for zooming around town that's quite different than the speed machines, or the massive touring motorcycles that get SUV-grade gas mileage.)

Anyway, this is one of the positive parts of middle age — maybe you're not actually rich, but you're usually much better off then you were in your twenties, might have a good start on a home or a retirement, and can afford a few personal luxuries, or children.

In earlier decades, the mid-life crisis years were likely also about the time most parents' kids had either just left the house, or would very soon. If you have a kid at 20, they're (hopefully) leaving at 38....

> If you have a kid at 20, they're (hopefully) leaving at 38....

The "(hopefully)" is interesting! Living in an Arabic country and having many Mediterranean colleagues I recently started to appreciate that different cultures have a very different point of view on when kids should leave their parents house. For them it is perfectly normal to stay with their parents until the age of 25-30, while e.g. in Germany this would be considered quite weird already.

Protagonist: "Life is short, I'll buy a motorcycle"

Narrator: "And his life just got shorter"

I don't mind dying really and I am in my 40s and haven't accomplished much of what I wanted. However, my life is getting better and better. Better job, better pay, working from home, got a few cats that are amazing for stress and bought a new place for me. As I love to learn new things everyday, life is just getting better and better.

Midlife crisis is when you realize that 'midlife crisis' was a lie and there's nothing 'mid' about it, and that you have only 10-20 more years left of denying that you are mortal.

I speak only for myself, but the closest thing I've felt to a 'mid-life crisis' (I'm 48 now) is more of a realization that there are a number of life choices that I can no longer make because they simply aren't available to someone at my stage in life. If I dwell on them, I feel a bit sad. I suspect some people try to grab something that serves as a talisman of those lost opportunities and cling to it for a bit, and this is the manifestation of their mid-life crisis.

>"I've hit 30 and my life is basically over" is just BS you're telling yourself.

I wouldnt categorize my internal struggles this way. Because I have already hit this point (below) despite being in my mid 30's now.

>you realize that since you're going to die anyway, why waste the time and die bored and mediocre?

That said, the struggle I find is its all a sliding scale. That I am butting up against realistic time limits.

That pushing more here (ie: career) means i have to sacrifice something else or re-prioritize a hobby, family, etc. And I have a good equilibrium. So how do i do it while no upsetting that and maintaining the things that keep me grounded and from burning out.

Ultimately i KNOW patience and waiting for the right time is probably the right answer. But life happens, and a buddy of mine, same age and kids and all just passed, and it again will make you reconsider perspective (for me, on several different "planes".)

One thing i have realized is that many that are very successful in a traditional sense, dont always have the best equilibrium and have achieved that at a cost. And I am not sure if thats a cost im willing to risk.

I really need a damn vacation maybe.

I'm in the same boat friend, yet I don't remember buying a ticket.

> I really need a damn vacation maybe.

We should both make this happen. I'm going to plan today not tomorrow.

Definitely have been struggling with stuff along these lines since my late 20s or so. It's been kind of like a revelation-onion, slowly peeling back the layers of expectations from myself and from others and realizing "Hey maybe I don't have to try to keep up with the media that everyone else is watching," and "Oh, if I want I really can pursue <obscure hobby>!" and developing into "You know, maybe this managerial track really isn't for me and focusing on developing into an effective senior IC would be more satisfying" and "Screw it, I'm sick of living in this area with its traffic and its noise; time to see whether my job will support me as full-time remote or find one that will, and find a house in the midwest"

Given this trajectory it seems like there's maybe a risk that I'll end up as a hermit in the woods... but would that be so bad, if I were an extremely fulfilled and satisfied hermit?

Do it. If quiet introversion is your thing then I think you've got a good plan.

You don't have to be a Manager, and you don't have to be rich. Focus on being happy instead.

Thanks! So far so good, though the packing up to move is taking longer than I'd like ;-)

My only life's goal is to become a hermit in the woods.

Hopefully by the time I hit 45 I'll have saved enough to retire, uninstall VS Code forever, and enjoy the woods for the rest of my life :)

Best of luck with that! I'm a little too close to 45 for that to be likely to work for me, but in the meantime I am pursuing working arrangements that are more sustainable and fulfilling!

I was diagnosed with cancer at 30 and the initial prognosis wasn't great. Turns out it wasn't that bad and I easily beat it but it certainly changed my view on life. My 30's have been great. I get a lot of satisfaction from my family, my social life, my work, etc. I've made peace with where my life is at and I feel like I have control (to a degree) on where it's going.

I didn't feel like "It hit N and my life is basically over" until N = ~50

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