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Comment by reggieband | Hacker News Reader

> Stand at a flight of stairs in the NYC subway with a stroller. Someone will grab the other end, help you carry the stroller, and then walk away without saying a word.

This is one of my enduring memories of NYC as I saw this precisely play out first hand. A tiny woman with a massive stroller arrived at the base of the stairs and the guy walking in front of her glanced back then gave the slightest nod before reaching down and grabbing the front axle. She overhead pressed the stroller handles, they climbed a couple of flights and at the top of the stairs he put his end down. Not a word exchanged, not even a thanks, they just went their separate ways. It was so smooth, almost choreographed, I don't believe the woman even broke stride.

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We had a similar experience when living in NY with two small children. People would always offer to help, but one time in particular a woman grabbed the front of the stroller and started helping me down the subway stairs, then she looked back and said "Could you please go faster, I'm running late". She was in no obligation to help us in the first place. We got to the bottom and she ran off to a train.

I found New Yorkers are always happy to lend a hand when needed.

This is a fantastic variation on this story.

I was in NYC a year ago and as I was walking down the subway stairs, I saw a woman - black, maybe 60 years old - struggling to get up the stairs with what looked like a heavy bag. I moved out of the way, then said, "nah," went back, asked her if she needed help, she said, "you're the only one who asked, thank you," and carried the bag upstairs. It was much lighter than expected, maybe 10 pounds. And I went on my way.

>It was much lighter than expected, maybe 10 pounds

This tickled a memory of a time I helped a lady with her suitcase up a long flight of steps. She was about two thirds of the way up and was wrestling it like it was full of lead bricks. I wasn't in a hurry, so I offered to help - she paused before accepting, like she didn't want the help but desperately needed it. As I reached towards the suitcase, I tried to break the ice a bit with "haha I'm probably going to regret this huh" - and broke off in shock.

The suitcase was light as a feather.

I could hold it out at arms length easily. It could have been filled with packing peanuts. I couldn't suppress an exclamation of surprise - "why, it's so light!" - which the lady took as quite an insult. I felt very odd about it all - should I have pretended to have struggled a bit?

"you're the only one who asked, thank you,"

While 2 posts above you,

“I found New Yorkers are always happy to lend a hand when needed.”

That's why I wrote my comment, I had a very different experience than the one reported in the previous comment. Mine is genuinely a single data point though, but it was a curious difference.

What did her being "black" have to do with your story?

I have been on the other end of this somewhat often, as one does when they take the subway to/from work every day.

Some of this is very self-serving for the median commuter as well. Someone struggling with a stroller or luggage is likely blocking some portion of the way for people getting in and out of the Subway, and the easiest way to fix that is just to help the person.

I've carried a number of strollers, suitcases and whatnot for people without barely a word. The same is true for helping people get their cars out of the snow, giving directions or anything else.

>Some of this is very self-serving for the median commuter as well. Someone struggling with a stroller or luggage is likely blocking some portion of the way for people getting in and out of the Subway,

From an evolutionary game theory perspective, all seemingly selfless coordination acts are really self interest with extra steps. Prairie dogs have a vocabulary of about 10 words for the approximately 10 types of predators they might want to warn each other about. Why would a male prairie dog participate in a system which perpetuates the life of competing males? Because all participant prairie dogs benefit from not getting eaten, and the marginal benefit to the individual is higher than the marginal cost.

Of course, prairie dogs don't sit around working out payoff matrices and finding the Nash Equilibrium. The behaviour is hard coded without an understanding of why. Warning their fellow dogs just "feels like the right thing to do". so they do it.

Yes this is part of it for sure - help me help you, we're all trying to just go about our day here.. let me lend a hand.

Plus you've probably got your headphones on and are running late to your morning meeting or meeting up with your spouse.. and the extra minute of putting down the stroller, freeing your hand to remove your headphones and adding some superfluous verbal interaction just feels... superfluous.

Wow, something very similar happened to me when I first came to America to study from Ghana and landed in NYC. Struggling with my luggage up a flight of stairs from the subway station, a young lady grabbed the other end of my heaviest bag, helped me up with it, and left without saying a word.

Cool to hear this is not uncommon. This incident is indeed also one of my most enduring memories of NYC.

When I was in Amsterdam a couple years back, walking up a hilly street, I saw a lady with a stroller hanging out with her friends and chatting away while the stroller with baby inside started to roll down the hill towards me. I grabbed the stroller and rolled it back up to her about six feet or so. She looked at me, looked at the stroller, then laughed briefly and went back to talking to her friends. I just kept walking and thought, “that was one of the strangest short interactions I’ve ever had with somebody.” I put it down to something culturally Dutch that I didn’t understand.

“ walking up a hilly street” in Amsterdam how funny

Ok, so it wasn't Lombard Street... Relatively hilly? Is that better?

There are literally zero hills in Amsterdam. Some sloped surfaces maybe, but no hills.

Dang, I've been trying to find the street on Google street maps to see just how slopped it was, but it was too long ago now and I can't remember which street it was. The facts that it was near a pot cafe and a wooden shoe store really don't help.

The roads over some bridges across the canals in Amsterdam can be considered steep... but only for 10 meters :-)

There's a song that describes the bridges over the canals as Dutch mountains.

Close, but not correct.

The song _In the Dutch Mountains_ (by The Nits) refers to the dykes, not the bridges. By the explanation of the author, Henk Hofstede, the only Dutch mountains are the dykes (dams) and the only valleys the streets between the rows of houses.

Nervous laugh perhaps? Or you crashed a movie set? You’ll never know.

Funny - same thing happened to me late night at the train station in Chicago.

https://youtu.be/QJpRSf4q-hI

“Why can’t we get a good shot of a stroller rolling dangerously down the street?!”

It's not just strollers. For example, if you are transporting a massive, steel I-beam on the NYC subway, people will lend a hand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiQZaGNX108

The things people romanticize, especially when it comes to nyc. Nobody wants the stairs blocked in a subway. It ruins everyone's day. A mother with a stroller is a potential hazard on the stairs and it takes almost no effort or time to help her up or down the stairs. And it's a nice thing to do. A win win situation. When you have millions of residents and even more tourists moving about the city every day, you need to be practical. It's why people wait by the side of the doors to let the passengers off the train first before getting on. It's why people stand on the right side of escalators and let the people in a hurry walk on the left. You built up someone helping to carry a stroller up some stairs into a hollywood production.

I am sorry to hear that you have a need to see stories where the helper is also a beneficiary as being romanticised and not “real”. In my opinion, the acts being “self-serving” doesn’t stop them from being kind. Kindness is enlightened self-interest. Everyone wins. How wonderful. Why does the helper have to “lose” for this retelling to be romanticised?

I sincerely hope this does not come off as condescending, and if it does, I am sorry. I hope you are having a good day. Cheers.

> I am sorry to hear that you have a need to see stories where the helper is also a beneficiary as being romanticised and not “real”.

You misunderstood my point. My point isn't about selfish altruism - which I noted was a "nice thing to do". Something I've done personally myself - strollers, luggages and even shopping bags. My point was about the way he wrote the story "...Not a word exchanged, not even a thanks, they just went their separate ways. It was so smooth, almost choreographed, I don't believe the woman even broke stride.".

Something an ordinary person did that didn't take much effort or time, that happens every day in nyc, he "hollywoodized". That's my point.

> I sincerely hope this does not come off as condescending, and if it does, I am sorry. I hope you are having a good day. Cheers.

No worries. I don't get offended or triggered by silly social media comments like many people do. And even if you were condescending, that's your right. No need to apologize for it. My advice is to reread a comment and try to understand it rather than getting emotionally caught up by it. Nothing sadder than a man ruled by emotions.

If someone in NYC came up to me and started acting friendly on the street I'd assume they were trying to scam me, sell me something, or get me to sign a pamphlet. It's more considerate to offer the help with no ceremony.

This is the oil that makes society work. Hold the door, help someone with a package/stroller. Properly merge like a zipper at a highway lane closure. Give your seat to the elderly/pregnant person.

No need for thank you or your welcome… maybe exchange friendly smiles.

The way I think of large cities is that you have a million people at hand to help.

and none of them care one whit

Is that your experience in large cities? I'm sorry to hear it. You can see, in this discussion, that many others have a different one. Maybe there's a way to access those experiences. I do find that it depends on how I approach the city and people - openness, trust, and compassion can strongly impact the responses I get. Pushiness, suspicion, and alarm gets poor responses - for one thing, nobody has time for it. In fact, when I'm feeling that way, if I want to shift my perspective I repeat to myself, 'trust, care, help'.

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