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Comment by fungiblecog | Hacker News Reader

Maybe I'm weird. I've brought up my kids without applying the dumb rules i hated as a kid and they're both happy and well adjusted. And i'm happier too because i've avoided all the usual stupid family arguments that would otherwise result.

I see other parents repeatedly inflicting on their kids rules and behaviours that are completely unnecessary but they think it's "the right thing"

i see this as truly stupid and a great way to sour your relationship with your kids when they get older and don't have to take it anymore

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I'm not a parent, but this really resonated with me. My childhood was full of dumb rules that I hated. After complaining, my parents would feed me platitudes like "you'll understand and appreciate this when you're older" (sometimes with "... and have your own kids" appended to the end).

Today (at age 40) I still believe these rules were dumb and pointless, and actively harmful to my childhood development.

I do expect that, not being a parent myself, I might be judging some of these things more harshly than I otherwise would. But certainly not all things, and I certainly would have turned out just as ok (and possibly more ok-er) had many of these dumb rules not existed in the first place.

(Don't get me wrong, I still have a fairly good impression of my childhood, and I don't think these dumb rules did any permanent damage. But they were still dumb, and created more strife between my parents and me than was necessary when I was young.)

Now this is a feel-good comment. Do you mind sharing one of the dumb rules that you might have been tempted to apply but decided against?

Saying “because I said so.”

Or “stop it,” out of frustration.

Family members have babysat my kids, and this is a mistake I see all the time. If you tell kids not to do something, always tell them why. And be honest about it. It’s kids’ job to learn about the world, and it’s your job as a parent to teach them about it.

That's not a dumb rule, that's a bad explanation of a rule that may in fact be good.

"You can't stay up until midnight because I said so."

Few parents would argue that not letting them stay up until midnight is a dumb rule. But the example certainly has a bad explanation.

The problem with this entire thread is that without concrete examples everyone is imagining their own which, not coincidentally, happen to match their already existing world view.

That’s true, I guess I think bad explanations of good rules are insidious: they alienate kids and create an us-vs-them mentality. If parents stay up late but don’t allow their kids to stay up late, it seems like parents are entitled and even a five year old can sense entitlement.

Here’s the thing, though: it’s true that going to bed early is a good rule, and it’s also true that parents feel entitled; that their rules apply to their kids but not them. That’s one reason kids hate their parents - they often deserve it!

I don't apply any of my parents dumb rules to my kids... but I probably have my own dumb rules they my kids will choose not to use with their kids.

(Approx) How old are your kids?

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