> Also, I happen to like my scroll wheel.
Use a modern version of emacs.
> I may be a programmer, but that doesn't mean I want to learn a new language just to use my text editor.
You don't need to program emacs to use it to edit source code and interoperate with revision control and so on. A lot of other emacs hackers have done all that for you, in many cases upwards of 20 years ago.
> Likewise, configuration options are easily discoverable through the Preferences window.
Believe it or not, modern emacs has this. It's accessible the menu at the top of the window (or, in Mac-land, screen), even.
> Other features, like Filter Through Command, are easily discoverable via the menu system.
Again, odd as it may seem, emacs has this as well these days.
> you don't have to go google "Quit Textmate"
And emacs can be quit through the menu. You know, the one at the top of the window or screen. Unless you started it in a terminal window or some other text-only context, in which case you damned well got what you asked for.