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Comment by csee | Hacker News Reader

What is your personality type? Are you extroverted? Would points (2) and (3) differ for someone who is introverted?

I went from introvert to extrovert over the space of a couple of years. Fear prevented me from making lots of critical connections in life. Turned out this was silly and putting myself in uncomfortable positions led to lots of great experiences which I look back on when I need motivation and to get over the hump that stopped me doing stuff before.

I'm not sure I agree with those ways of thinking about introvert and extrovert. It's not simply if whether you like hanging out with others or prefer being alone. You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because you have a time in your life where you prefer to be alone. Extroverts don't become introverts while grieving the death of a loved one.

It has to do with whether hanging out with others drains or fill you with energy, mentally.

I love hanging out with people, it fills me with joy, and I'm great at talking with people, I'm good at cracking jokes that causes a group to laugh, I can hold speeches just fine, or perform in front of a group. But once I'm done, I'm exhausted, it's like holding my breath, I need to come up for air and be alone, even if I enjoy being with other people.

> You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because you have a time in your life where you prefer to be alone. Extroverts don't become introverts while grieving the death of a loved one.

These are hypotheses that I wouldn't rely on to give advice. It could discourage someone who is dissatisfied with themselves from trying to change. Who says it's impossible? Your personal experience, or observing people around you, or a study on 1000 people?

I believe GP is talking about the definition of the word, not commenting on human limitations.

They claim that "You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because [...]", so their definition implies that people's ability to switch from one to the other is limited. I don't think that's a reasonable thing to claim without evidence.

Nope; social life is important. I find that I get overwhelmed and drained with large groups, but doing things with a group small enough to fit in a car together is fine. I personally have some hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and meeting people through those has been rewarding. It’s good to have a mix of “close friends” who you can be open and will support you emotionally, and “activity buddies” who you can geek out about your shared interests with.

Humans are not meant to go through the world alone and modern life can be incredibly isolating. It takes effort to build social connection but it is well worth it.

Glad this works for you, but humans are not all the same. Dont assume what makes you happy also makes other people happy. This is akin to telling somebody with depression to 'Cheer Up'.

They were answering a personal question.

Absolutely not. Even introverts need social connections. It's more akin to telling somebody to get fit because it's good for their health.

Introvert does not mean asocial or antisocial. Social connections are a fundamental part of every human's mental health. Maybe some disorders might change this up, but being an introvert is not that.

So why do I feel ike you are specifically telling me that what makes me happy is wrong and bad for me?

Perhaps you are sensitive to people seemingly giving you advice, because you aren’t seeking it, nor do you desire to change? Not trying to put words in your mouth, but I think you might be interpreting the recommendations as directed at you. Do you suspect that their advice may have a kernel of truth, and you are reacting to the person who caused your internal self to recoil against change? Just food for thought, not directed at you personally.

Some things that make people happy are things that are bad for them. Those aren't mutually exclusive categories.

Maybe that says more about you than them. You're on a social website right now, engaging with people voluntarily, but you're insisting you're only happy by not connecting with people?

Being an introvert does not remove your monkey brain’s need for social connection. Sure, it means being deliberate about when/how/who, but most people leading a solitary life are not happy.

Thankyou for confirming my point by using the word 'most'. It is rimportant to remember the group of people (however small) who operates outside of what is percieved as 'normal'.

It's true that people are different. It's worth remembering that a (however small) group of people also tend to justify their own behavior and that they are not "normal" can be an easy escape-latch for avoiding being uncomfortable but healthy.

I've been guilty of this in the past regarding sleep. "I don't need more than 6 hours of sleep per night" I kept telling myself and others, and I ran on that schedule for decades. When I started forcing myself to sleep more, I started to feel even better, and now I'm hovering around 8 hours per night and feel so much better. I didn't even realize I could feel better by doing something I didn't think was necessary, but it did improve me.

I've also done this related to relationships, where I found myself fine with being by myself for long stretches of time. I didn't really see any problems, and when people told me I have to see other people, I also used the "maybe I'm not "normal" and don't need it like others?" argument, which is what I told myself too. I didn't feel bad, but started seeking out more relationships anyways, and got so many benefits and became happier because of it, that I can't go back to being all alone again.

I'm not saying this applies to you, but maybe it applies to others who read. It's easy to get into the trap of lying to yourself (I'm guilty of it multiple times), with all kinds of reasons. If you can see past that, you can become happier, even if you're not miserable right now.

I believe when you read things on the internet, or anywhere, it should be common sense to assume that it does not apply to absolutely everyone/everything in all possible contexts. Use your common sense. It would be unreasonable to force people to preface all words with qualifiers like "most", "usually" and "most likely" - nothing ever applies universally.

That's typical behavior you see on social media Twitter. People say something reasonable, but then someone replies "how wrong!! this does not apply in edge case XYZ!", yeah, obviously. Just ignore it if you believe it doesn't apply to you.

Right but you should also strive to be precise in your words.

> This is akin to telling somebody with depression to 'Cheer Up'.

If you feel this way, please try to see it as "telling somebody with depression to pick the activity that seems less painful to do and go do it".

It is possible for that depressed person to not be able to do it yet. However, unlike your 'cheer up' example, this is actionable advise that is very likely to (slowly) help lead that person out of the depression if they manage to do it.

I'm an introvert and it works like that for me. I hardly ever feel like socializing. It drains me when I do it. Yet I still enjoy it when I'm doing it and it has a positive effect on my mental state (up to a point, of course).

The key is to find the right balance, and to be aware that there's some "training" to it: the less you do it the harder it gets. Don't give up though because then your mental health may suffer.

I don't doubt that social life is important even for introverted people, but this advice[1] in particular would be quite painful for me, even if it's in a small group. The hitrate (micromarriage rate) would be too small. Wouldn't it just be a few hours of small talk 95% of the time?

I am happy with a small handful of friends. If I'm going to add new ones, there has to be a significant overlap in interests that makes the company particularly enjoyable and non-draining. Probably a more interest-specific/targeted approach than Meetup (although maybe Meetup is capable of that, I am not familiar with it)?

Maybe I should try it out and see for myself, though! Could be one of those things that's pleasantly surprising.

[1] "In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out."

In my experience, you just have to accept the low hit rate. Worst case you’ll have some awkward small talk, best case you’ll meet people that you’ll find a lot in common with, and those relationships will last a while. You just have to accept that it’s going to be awkward a bunch of the time, but you have to put yourself in those situations.

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