Comment by throwaway020222 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by throwaway020222 | Hacker News Reader

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throwaway020222

In the last 2-3 months I've been trying to not get too distracted with the internet/video games/online porn and I have had moments of boredom where I actually can think about what I want in life.

That gave me a moment of revelation: I actually don't want to have kids or be a family guy. I am not comfortable during family gatherings such as Christmas, never have been, and actually I am very happy being on my own. After deciding that, I started to question, why am I married in the first place? Not having children kind of defeats the purpose of monogamy and enduring the hardships of a marriage. I also don't love my partner anymore and I think she doesn't truly love me either. The lust, romance, etc faded after the first 2 years.

When my girlfriend went to visit her parents for a week in another city and left me alone in our house, I was the happiest I have been in years. I also felt very very happy once I decided I wanted a divorce and the only question left was the how. I even fantasized my wife cheating on me so I can divorce for a good reason and save face. I told my best friend it would be the best day of my life if that happened.

Also since she is young, I think she still has time to find anther man and have a family with another. The biological clock is ticking for her and I don't want to waste more years of her life.

Have you sufficiently taken the pandemic into account? It messes up everything and people are more on edge. Couples spend more time together and outside friends or activities are missing for many.

How will you know, that your feeling of happiness will even last when she is gone?

It seems obvious you need a break, but maybe your past self will just recover and with it comes a lot of regret.

If you are really sure, you should confront it with her, there is no nice way for this, so don't even bother finding it.

Yes, I think I have.

Last year after we got our 2nd vaccine shot, we started going out/travelling a lot but still the love didn't re kindle.

Love is oxitocin, it gives you serotonin or comfort and dopamine the rewarding rush. At the same time, it also makes you stupid.

The older theory is we use up our oxitocin in around 3 years, but we can still enjoy either serotonin or dopamin to keep a relationship going.

It recovers, but you never feel that high again. In teenage years it's the worst/best.

The addictions you describe, porn, YouTube, gaming and what you are doing here are in this theory related to dopamine.

You seem to have kicked it or you can't reach your level anymore.

Sometimes we use this stuff up and don't feel the rush and the excitement. Receptors requiring to much to be shaken.

You need to take a break and regenerate your rewarding hormones. This makes experiences greater, but sometimes it takes years.

Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.

Sometimes you feel awful when it is all used up.

I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.

Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.

Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.

> The addictions you describe, porn, YouTube, gaming and what you are doing here are in this theory related to dopamine. You seem to have kicked it or you can't reach your level anymore.

I felt uneasy about my relationship/marriage before going heavily into gaming and youtube. I think those two just were a way to not listen to my own thoughts and continue with normal life.

> Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.

I did something extreme last week which not even in a throwaway account I feel comfortable mentioning (nothing illegal of course) and I haven't felt this alive in years. Hell there are some nights I haven't been able to sleep remembering what I did last week and remembering with a smile.

> I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.

Very true

> Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.

Thank you, your post was very insightful nonetheless.

> Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.

Quoting myself from another comment: "I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death."

Have you considered that you are going through a mid life crisis (or equivalent event)? A feeling of certainty surrounding difficult topics like this is sometimes misleading. Explore your identity crisis (and whatever escapism is driving the aforementioned internet / games / porn avoidance) with a counselor instead of going straight to destroying your poor wife's heart.

That's why my current plan is to wait at least until she finishes her studies (she will be done by the end of this year).

I hope 1 year is a long time to differentiate whether it's just an identity crisis or not.

> (and whatever escapism is driving the aforementioned internet / games / porn avoidance)

I didn't feel any crisis or anything like that before starting with the addictions avoidance. It's just that I can spend sooo many hours playing video games or watching one and another youtube video all the day and then end tired and go to sleep. And on and on without ever stopping to think about how I feel, what I like, etc.

I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.

you need a therapist, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

but as long as you’re asking, the one thing i can pick up from your post and comments is that you seem to be doing a lot of thinking for her instead of letting her figure her own stuff out. maybe she doesn’t want kids either. maybe she wants the same stuff you do. or not. you don’t really know because you’re not talking to her about this.

go find a marriage therapist and work this stuff out there. then find an individual therapist for after it’s done.

I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.

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