Ask HN: I regret my marriage. What to do? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: I regret my marriage. What to do?

10 pointsthrowaway02022234 comments

I'm a software developer, 32 years old, no children. I married last year after a 5 year relationship with my girlfriend. I deeply regret it but I don't know what to do.

One strategy I used was to tell her that I don't want to have kids, and I told her it was ok if she left me. She said she was never sure about having kids either and wants to stay married.

I don't want to hurt my partner, but I also don't want to stay in the marriage. I am sure I want to break up and be single again - and very likely remain single forever, I can't understand how many men can marry twice.

But how to do it? We look like the perfect couple for everyone including our in-laws.

Main problem is that she still depends on me financially. Am I a bad person if I keep pretending for a couple of years until she finishes her studies, gets a good job and then break up? (she is also a software dev, she is already working but earns a pretty low salary)

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Sounds more like an r/relationship post than something for YC, friend.

I wish you the best of luck, truly.

Thanks.

I thought maybe other devs have felt/experienced similar situations

I’m going through something very similar with my GF of 6 years, though not married and I’m 28. Super difficult because I care a lot about her but I know I can’t keep going any more for her sake and mine. And I want to live by myself again and discover more of who I am and what it’s like to date as an independent adult and not a drunk college student. I also just am not confident taking the next step… specifically with her, unfortunately. And, I might be open to the next step with someone else, I may just not know myself well enough.

Just working up the courage to talk out loud about this, let alone with her, was so difficult. But dude, it was worth. I told her everything. I’m already feeling better - a bit scared about the next chapter of my life but I feel better.

If you communicate how you feel well enough, your partner will understand. I don’t think many people want to be in a relationship with a partner that isn’t feeling it.

And you might be surprised where the conversation goes. Things might be said that change your mind in subtle ways.

Stop wasting time, gently tell her how you feel.

I'd really like to know how the conversation with your GF goes. Unfortunately this is a throwaway account and this post is already flagged.

But you are in such a better position than I am just by being younger and not married yet.

After divorce, I'll lose 50% of the money I so thoroughly saved all this years :'(

I'd recommend starting with an individual therapist, rather than seeking advice from randoms on the internet. Software dev can afford a few sessions, even if U. S. insurance doesn't pay for it (and it probably will). Depending on the advice from the counselor, couples counseling or maybe divorce, who knows? I certainly don't.

But an hour of face time with a professional is going to be loads more helpful than a few paragraphs here and there from strangers.

I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.

Depending on your local laws, she may be entitled to alimony (IANAL!).

Advice from an internet rando: you only get one life.

If you deeply regret the marriage and have for a long time (which is what it sounds like), end it.

Find a lawyer or mediator and work through the painful situation in as compassionate a manner as you can. Be prepared for some breakage in your family, friendships and life, but IMO you shouldn't stay in a situation that makes you miserable.

> Main problem is that she still depends on me financially. Am I a bad person if I keep pretending for a couple of years until she finishes her studies, gets a good job and then break up? (she is also a software dev, she is already working but earns a pretty low salary)

Those aren't the only two options. You could both agree to support her financially AND move on.

I would suggest you should be having these conversations with her, even if just to give her a heads up that you're feeling this way so when you decide to make a change it isn't completely out of the blue.

> One strategy I used was to tell her that I don't want to have kids, and I told her it was ok if she left me.

This isn't a "strategy." This is just not dealing with the problem and trying to push her into doing it for you.

You two need counseling, even if only as a nicer way to let her know you're one foot out the door already. If you want to support her after your married dissolves then try to do arbitration and offer that.

I know it is sort of cliché, but believe me when I tell you that therapy and counseling can completely change your life. If you are like me, you may think it might make a small difference, or may make things somewhat more tolerable, but I think this undersells the night and day difference it can make.

> Am I a bad person if I keep pretending for a couple of years until she finishes her studies, gets a good job and then break up?

I’m no relationship expert, but I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate finding out her life the past X years has been a lie.

The sooner the better, as bad as it sounds.

Of course I wouldn't ever tell her the truth of when I decided to get a divorce. It would devastate her to find her past X years have been a lie and I'd just be a great a*hole.

I'm trying to think in the best outcome for both, because even thought I don't love her romantically anymore, I really wish her the best for her life and I would like her to find someone else that might be better husband than me (if that's what she wants of course).

What you haven't said is why you regret marriage, or why you prefer to be single. What's the problem?

I was in a dishonest marriage for about 6 months, to allow my partner to finish their studies. But, my partner was abusive and I'd withdrawn from the relationship to protect myself and nobody thought we had a perfect relationship. By the time I ended it, there was no surprise, because of how I'd withdrawn. Ultimately, I think I did the right thing by making it a gradual retreat.

We tried counseling. We each did individual counseling, and we did couples counseling together. All of our counselors, except their individual counselor, told us that their behavior was abusive. The relationship didn't improve, and my partner didn't want to put the work in. But I learned a lot about communication, and that has made relationships easier (also, I learned a ton of red flags that I had previously overlooked, and grew a spine to quickly reject/dump people who display those flags).

So, I don't think that it automatically makes you a bad person if you keep pretending. But it's an awful solution, and from where I stand, a couple of years is a really long time. You should really try counseling, at least individual counseling. Figure out what you actually need. It might just be more space, and she might be willing to give you that. Try couples counseling, and check the assumptions that are built into your relationship. It might just be that you need to tweak some stuff, and she'll probably want to play along.

> I am sure I want to break up and be single again - and very likely remain single forever, I can't understand how many men can marry twice.

I don't buy that, unless you're asexual and aromantic. People tend to find love, if they're looking for it or not. And, not just men re-marry. If my experience is at all typical, a second marriage works better than the first because the first was foolish.

> Main problem is that she still depends on me financially.

This sounds quite insensitive, and I wonder if you're considering the emotional aspect of this. I strongly recommend counseling. Many of us here are on the spectrum, and have difficulty processing the emotions of ourselves and others without deliberate study.

> I don't buy that, unless you're asexual and aromantic. People tend to find love, if they're looking for it or not. And, not just men re-marry. If my experience is at all typical, a second marriage works better than the first because the first was foolish.

I didn't say I'd give up sex. Only long term committed relationships. I don't want to hurt another person the same way I will surely hurt my current partner

> This sounds quite insensitive, and I wonder if you're considering the emotional aspect of this. I strongly recommend counseling. Many of us here are on the spectrum, and have difficulty processing the emotions of ourselves and others without deliberate study.

You are right, the financial part is not actually the main problem, the main problem is how heart broken she will be. But I think the sooner the better, at least she has enough time to find someone else, if that's what she wants

Real talk, sorry.

> I didn't say I'd give up sex. Only long term committed relationships.

You should try talking to other guys who have attempted this. If porn is distracting you, you're probably not going to go for women your age*. Past 40 or so, unless you're outstandingly rich or a 10, you're just not what young women are looking for.

My guess is, you're going to end up paying a lot for sex, you're going to fall into another relationship without intent, or you're going to die lonely. Probably an undesirable combination of the three. And single guys die early.

* and, you mentioned that lust & passion have fallen off. Stop watching the porn, man, you're spoiling your dinner with pork rinds and complaining that you aren't hungry.

> You should try talking to other guys who have attempted this. If porn is distracting you, you're probably not going to go for women your age*. Past 40 or so, unless you're outstandingly rich or a 10, you're just not what young women are looking for.

I know no one that has attempted this tbh. Most guys stick and live miserable all the time, or don't even stop to think

> My guess is, you're going to end up paying a lot for sex, you're going to fall into another relationship without intent, or you're going to die lonely. Probably an undesirable combination of the three. And single guys die early.

I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death.

> you're going to fall into another relationship without intent

I really hope I'm smart enough to remember this experience and be aware to not hurt another woman like this again.

To quote Blindboy from his mental-health podcasts: I am better than no one, and no one is better than me.

Intrinsic worth, like how all newborns are endearing, wrinkled oddballs, seems a fine place to start.

It won’t be easy to do something I think others will judge negatively, and that’s okay; they’re free to feel their feelings.

The best time to make mistakes before today. I’m thankful for all the mistakes I’ve made and that I’m still alive to learn from them as awareness bubbles up.

The more longer you pretend, the more rights she has to your future income and alimony.

But What's the problem? You don't want kids, and she said she isn't sure.

The more longer you stay together and let her complete her studies, her biological clock ticks and women do have issues having kids later in life.

You just don't like being married? Not being together?

More for reddit, but, just curious in general.

It's the first time I've been married so I didn't know what to expect. Even though we married last year, we've been living together for a few years now.

But it's hell for me, I want freedom, I want time, I don't want to guess how she feels or what she needs all the time. She says I should buy her flowers and that kind of stuff more often but doing it feels like a chore to me.

5 years ago I also wasn't sure if I wanted to be a parent or not, but I was more leaning towards the "yes". I think having a kid would be a higher goal that could motivate me to stay together with my wife. After deciding I don't want kids (with any woman) my long term relationship/marriage just crumbled like a deck of cards.

I’d suggest telling her as you explained it here, hell, show her this post.

why do you regret having married? What is your long term goal in life?

In the last 2-3 months I've been trying to not get too distracted with the internet/video games/online porn and I have had moments of boredom where I actually can think about what I want in life.

That gave me a moment of revelation: I actually don't want to have kids or be a family guy. I am not comfortable during family gatherings such as Christmas, never have been, and actually I am very happy being on my own. After deciding that, I started to question, why am I married in the first place? Not having children kind of defeats the purpose of monogamy and enduring the hardships of a marriage. I also don't love my partner anymore and I think she doesn't truly love me either. The lust, romance, etc faded after the first 2 years.

When my girlfriend went to visit her parents for a week in another city and left me alone in our house, I was the happiest I have been in years. I also felt very very happy once I decided I wanted a divorce and the only question left was the how. I even fantasized my wife cheating on me so I can divorce for a good reason and save face. I told my best friend it would be the best day of my life if that happened.

Also since she is young, I think she still has time to find anther man and have a family with another. The biological clock is ticking for her and I don't want to waste more years of her life.

Have you considered that you are going through a mid life crisis (or equivalent event)? A feeling of certainty surrounding difficult topics like this is sometimes misleading. Explore your identity crisis (and whatever escapism is driving the aforementioned internet / games / porn avoidance) with a counselor instead of going straight to destroying your poor wife's heart.

That's why my current plan is to wait at least until she finishes her studies (she will be done by the end of this year).

I hope 1 year is a long time to differentiate whether it's just an identity crisis or not.

> (and whatever escapism is driving the aforementioned internet / games / porn avoidance)

I didn't feel any crisis or anything like that before starting with the addictions avoidance. It's just that I can spend sooo many hours playing video games or watching one and another youtube video all the day and then end tired and go to sleep. And on and on without ever stopping to think about how I feel, what I like, etc.

I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.

you need a therapist, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

but as long as you’re asking, the one thing i can pick up from your post and comments is that you seem to be doing a lot of thinking for her instead of letting her figure her own stuff out. maybe she doesn’t want kids either. maybe she wants the same stuff you do. or not. you don’t really know because you’re not talking to her about this.

go find a marriage therapist and work this stuff out there. then find an individual therapist for after it’s done.

I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.

Have you sufficiently taken the pandemic into account? It messes up everything and people are more on edge. Couples spend more time together and outside friends or activities are missing for many.

How will you know, that your feeling of happiness will even last when she is gone?

It seems obvious you need a break, but maybe your past self will just recover and with it comes a lot of regret.

If you are really sure, you should confront it with her, there is no nice way for this, so don't even bother finding it.

Yes, I think I have.

Last year after we got our 2nd vaccine shot, we started going out/travelling a lot but still the love didn't re kindle.

Love is oxitocin, it gives you serotonin or comfort and dopamine the rewarding rush. At the same time, it also makes you stupid.

The older theory is we use up our oxitocin in around 3 years, but we can still enjoy either serotonin or dopamin to keep a relationship going.

It recovers, but you never feel that high again. In teenage years it's the worst/best.

The addictions you describe, porn, YouTube, gaming and what you are doing here are in this theory related to dopamine.

You seem to have kicked it or you can't reach your level anymore.

Sometimes we use this stuff up and don't feel the rush and the excitement. Receptors requiring to much to be shaken.

You need to take a break and regenerate your rewarding hormones. This makes experiences greater, but sometimes it takes years.

Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.

Sometimes you feel awful when it is all used up.

I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.

Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.

Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.

> The addictions you describe, porn, YouTube, gaming and what you are doing here are in this theory related to dopamine. You seem to have kicked it or you can't reach your level anymore.

I felt uneasy about my relationship/marriage before going heavily into gaming and youtube. I think those two just were a way to not listen to my own thoughts and continue with normal life.

> Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.

I did something extreme last week which not even in a throwaway account I feel comfortable mentioning (nothing illegal of course) and I haven't felt this alive in years. Hell there are some nights I haven't been able to sleep remembering what I did last week and remembering with a smile.

> I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.

Very true

> Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.

Thank you, your post was very insightful nonetheless.

> Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.

Quoting myself from another comment: "I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death."

A lot of what I'm reading here tells me that there is enough here to work with to salvage your marriage and relationship.

As someone who is incredibly introverted, I can related to valuing your alone time. My brain/spirit/whatever never feels like it truly recharges to 100% unless I have time away from people, being around them, having to make small talk, etc. I was married to someone on the opposite end who needed to socialize and was extremely emotionally needy.

I can barely describe the euphoria in first months/year following my separation, waking up and proceeding through my entire day completely unbothered whenever I wanted. But I can tell you that the wanting and longing for companionship doesn't magically go away. You presumably courted, wooed, and married this woman because you're in the 99% of men who want to feel that companionship in some capacity. I would highly suggest trying to communicate that and build a schedule with your partner that meets your needs as well as hers, and that could/should include days in the month when it's understood that you're completely free to do your own thing.

It's not healthy for anyone to be attached at the hip. Both you and her need portions of your life that your own, with the space to enjoy your separate hobbies and friends, with little expectation of texting 24/7. That will sweeten the moments you do spend together, and even "recharge" you with the capacity to feel the romance you used to.

EDIT: Speaking of romance I read another comment from you commenting on how the romance/lust has seemed to fade. The good news there too is that there is a lot you can do to shake things up. Look up Ashleigh Renard on Instagram, who talks about "how to keep monogamy hot." Google sex games, experiment with new toys and positions. Make time for short weekend vacations and new experiences.

The second positive thing I'm seeing from this is that she doesn't seem surefire on having kids. I would communicate with her honestly about that. On the flip side, as someone who never cared for family functions or children, when my own was born I felt a love for them that I have never experienced for anything on this Earth. I'll also add that having one or 2 kids is not THAT bad. Your life doesn't end. Your hobbies don't end. Your friends don't magically go away. You don't become a boring "family guy" unless you chose to. It takes an added effort to balance all things, but the people that don't do that or either lazy or just extremely disadvantaged on the money/family support scale (and if you're a tech worker and have supportive parents and in-laws, that's not an issue for you).

All this to say, give this time to marinate. Maybe see a therapist for a few sessions and see if an unbiased third party can see your forest, even if all you can see are the trees. It's fun to wake up on Saturday morning unbothered and free to play video games all day, but it's going to be extremely painful to see the person you've loved for 5+ years slowly emotionally detach, see other people, etc.

EDIT: One more thing I would mention. I would also highly recommend booking an hour with a laywer and get them to give you a good understanding of your state's family law and court system. What of your property will be considered marital and separate? What are you still on the hook for as soon as you file? Do you live in a "equitable distribution" state in regards to martial property? When you get down the road into a separation and divorce process, your SO is going to get counseled by someone as well as her friends and family, and those late night pillow talks about what you would and wouldn't do to each other and go after financially if separated are null and void.

> I can barely describe the euphoria in first months/year following my separation, waking up and proceeding through my entire day completely unbothered whenever I wanted.

What happened for you in the 2nd, 3rd, etc. years?

> But I can tell you that the wanting and longing for companionship doesn't magically go away. You presumably courted, wooed, and married this woman because you're in the 99% of men who want to feel that companionship in some capacity.

Yes, you are right. But is it necessary to commit to just one person for 40+ years just to feel that feminine companionship? There must be other ways... (for ex seeking short term relationships over long term)

> What happened for you in the 2nd, 3rd, etc. years?

I'm back on Tinder and Bumble lmao. Short term relationships and casual relationships can be fun and I won't discount that, it's probably all I will be pursing for a while just because of my own personal life situation. But the flip side is they all have an expiration date. You might luck out and go on a 3-4 month streak with someone, as soon as you feel like you've reached a good rhythm with someone, she will decide she's ready for more, or that she wants to continue her "hoe phase" by finding someone new and repeating. And you're back to spending your long coveted free time swiping through the treadmill of flesh again. Go to r/tinder or r/bumble if you want a taste of what most days are like that. There's pros and cons to it, but just don't assume the grass is greener.

But the expiration date part is great. I envy you my friend :D (in a good way)

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