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Comment by secondaryacct | Hacker News Reader

I did a prenup with my wife. Wasnt easy because im an immigrant in China and she s Chinese, so when I proclaimed that a good mariage prepares for divorce, like we do now in France where separation of wealth is a trivial matter my family did for generations, I was met with defiance.

How big a fortune must I have for being so protective :D But in the end we did it, it made total sense to her: what she works for and buys with her money is hers, and vice versa.

Now we never have money issue or anything: she bought an appartment I have no stakes in nor claim to and she loves this financial independence. If we divorce, Ill prob pay an alemony since we have a child, but we wont tear each other over splitting possession: it s dealt with since the get go.

I think it helps mariages to do that. Especially multi cultural ones like ours where there's a lot of small traps along the way.

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Different strokes I suppose, but my wife and I went all in when we married, with combined bank accounts, credit, car and home titles, etc. Our marriage feels stronger for that by signalling the commitment. (Married >20 years)

I got married a year ago. That's what we do.

There's no reason to "prepare for divorce" when both my wife and I made a vow before God to each other til we die.

The problem is that alot of people don't mean it. They don't mean their vow "for worse, for sickness, for poorer until death do us part". People forget there is a 100% chance of worse, sickness, and poorer.

People change over time, and the people who made that vow at the age of 20 are probably not going to be the same people at the age of 40. If all goes well, the people that they have changed into will remain compatible with each other. But, sadly, all does not always go well. I know multiple older people who are trapped in miserable, loveless, emotionally destructive marriages that they feel they cannot leave solely because their 20 year-old selves made that vow before God. It's not that these people didn't "mean it", it's that they (like all of us) could not perfectly predict the future.

Of course I can't comment on your particular situation nor do I wish you bad luck, but religious couples are as likely or more likely to get divorced compared to non-religious couples [0].

Or at least the majority of divorces in the US are among the religious (according to this particular poll).

Maybe "biased" because marriage is something more encouraged by religions in the first place.

[0] https://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/marital-s...

What he said is true: the vow has some strong words in it that a lot of people are not taking so seriously. Yes, just as many or more people who identify with a religion get divorced, but just because they identify that way on a form does not mean they are giving as much weight to the vow that some of us do. For us, our pastors counsel us at length to think through the commitment in advance—possible differences/preferences in many scenarios, including finances. We are taught to think of marriage as hard, and to take important steps to guard it along the way. Passively identifying with a faith is not the same as actively trying to let it guide your everyday life.

What happens when your life partner is screaming at you and stabbing the counter with a butcher knife because you dared to ask how she was doing?

Because that’s one of many instances that led to me getting a divorce.

I took the vow quite seriously, but treating it like a suicide pact is not a good move either.

Extremely tragic. I do not want to diminish your situation at all. The difference is that so many of the dozens and dozens of divorces I’m personally connected to had no tragedy such as yours and the people involved were not going into marriage prepared for the road ahead (something they could have enjoyed if they’d been in a more supportive community that taught them more). So many I know end the marriage for far less difficult situations than yours.

To me, it's like student loans - giving those "permanent vows" when you are 18 is like making an 18 year old sign up for $50,000 of debt to start a career with no future guarantee.

> Maybe "biased" because marriage is something more encouraged by religions in the first place.

Maybe? Ha. An entire thread of non- or semi-religious people arrogantly mocking the need for marriage...

And you think there is ‘maybe’ bias?

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