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Comment by thenerdhead | Hacker News Reader

What happened to a little tough love now and then? If we just give excuses or write off known methods that work as “compassion” or “self love”, what even drives someone to make a significant change in their lives?

When I was bigger, it wasn’t being kind to myself that helped me lose weight. It wasn’t holding those bad habits either.

When I was lazier, it wasn’t being mindless and disorganized that helped me do more.

When I was determined, it wasn’t telling myself “it’ll be okay” if I didn’t follow through with a goal.

I accepted the fact that I was overweight, lazy, and not motivated. Instead of saying “that’s okay, you’re human”, I made drastic change to the ideal version I wanted to be. This isn’t productivity porn, this is just reality.

I’m either getting old and out of touch or this article just doesn’t make sense to me at all.

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Compassion/self love is what made me change my lifestyle and overcome excuses. If you have compassion for the work that your organs are doing, you are going to be more motivated to do the things that keep those organs healthy, while doing less of the things that damage them. One day I heard someone talking about how the heart has to work harder pumping blood around if you sit all day. I couldn't shake the thought, so eventually I started moving more and adopted a cold shower routine despite hating the cold. I started giving a shit about my cardiovascular health as a result of compassion. I didn't have to crack the whip either, making lifestyle adjustments just felt like the right thing to do.

Compassion is not about making people feel better for not taking care of their situation/body/work/goals/life/relationships, it's about acting with a level of care for the things that matter most.

That's great to hear. I do believe in the power of compassion & self love. Especially how you define it. I just was not understanding the point of the article:

> Forget new year resolutions and stop striving to be someone you’re not. It’s time to embrace your messy, imperfect, soft-bellied self

Isn't the point of working on yourself to become someone you're not right this moment, but strive to be? (i.e. the better version of you)

A psychiatrist had changed my perspective from yours to the poster’s by pointing out that genuine self-forgiveness seems to be more effective than self-flagellation in allowing for change.

By accepting who you are at this point (without a negative connotation), the path towards becoming your ‘better version’ is easier to travel.

Examples of this change in difficulty come in the form of reducing the angst towards visiting gyms/being seen working out, and in wanting to eat better to help yourself as opposed to telling yourself that you need to eat better so you won’t be the way that you are.

Self forgiveness also helps in reducing procrastination by allowing yourself to start a task without the negative associations of past procrastinations.

People are blocked by different things to overcome personal obstacles. For some people fear and anxiety of making progress or failing is the blocker and they need the linked kind of advice. You didn’t have this experience, which is fine as long as you realize your path to success isn’t going to work for everybody.

Right but the article is quite contradictory of "mindfulness" for example.

> We can do the same by giving ourselves permission to feel uncomfortable things such as sadness or anxiety, giving them time and space to occur, rather than always chasing them away with busyness, booze or digital distraction.

and

> Mindfulness is not a mental health panacea – despite new Nice guidance suggesting that mindfulness should be recommended before medication for depression. Instead, be more mindless. “You don’t want to be mindful every single second,” says Biswas-Diener, who also studies mindfulness.

Is it for or against mindfulness? I can't tell.

It’s against the commodification of mindfulness/wellness. See girlboss/hustle culture. Unfortunately our society oversimplifies to the point becomes another marketing tactic.

A lot of people use self-shaming as a strategy for change. And, from experience, I know it works. But, the toll of it on one's mental heath isn't worth it. At least, for some of us, all that shame adds up and causes issues down the road.

The world has enough problems for you, you should be your own friend, not another source of abuse. Friend doesn't mean enabler, though. Good friends don't let their friends do bad things.

Everything in moderation!

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