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Comment by Intermernet | Hacker News Reader

There isn't a quick fix. Time is the answer.

My parents were murdered 16 years ago. I spent 10 years before I could adequately deal with this. CBT was incredibly beneficial once I found the right person, but it took a long time to find them.

The previous chapters of your life cannot be closed. They can only be learnt from.

Remember that life is short and you can waste a lot of it in a bad state.

Talk to friends, do memorable things, try to be a good person.

Do whatever works for you, and ignore negativity. Sport, learning, activism, religion? Whatever works.

Golden rule is don't harm yourself, and don't harm others.

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Another golden rule I found is to stop trying to “win” , that is a too competitive state of mind. It creates so much stress and you will forget the more poetic and sensual / analog parts of life that can bring much contentment and sometimes joy.

A bit of sportslike ambition is never wrong, just don’t overdo it or take it too seriously.

I am truly sorry for what you had to go through, big hug to you and other's here sharing their stories.

I'm sure you already know this, but I'd like to say it explicitly to others that may find it helpful as well -> never forget that life is an infinite display of possibilities, as the saying goes, it ain't over 'til it's over.

You can always start from scratch, there will always be new people/places to try new things with and your past experiences do NOT necessarily define what your future will be like (this goes both ways, so be careful).

Some people make it through extremely harsh life events and, contrary to some dumb but widespread belief, don't come out of it by becoming permanently angry and resented. A big chunk of them become very sensitive and wise human beings, with a strong wish to help others going through similar grievances. Be open to accept their help and advice in times of need. It took me a while to understand this and neglecting it only made my hard times worse. We are a social animal and also remarkably similar to each other.

Best wishes to all on this new year's eve, I hope you get a chance to treat yourselves to a nice moment and company as we start our 2022 together! Cheers!

Another vote for CBT.

I had two painful periods of my life that lead to depressions. The first one I dealt with more or less on my own -- basically waiting it out. Eventually I got better and moved on but it took a while.

The second time I went to a therapist almost immediately and the duration was much shorter. More importantly, the therapist helped unpack a lot of stuff for me and gave me a lot of tools for dealing with events and their associated emotions. I think CBT would work particularly well for this crowd since a lot of it is reasoning based. The basic idea, to me at least, is that our emotional responses can be reasoned with or about. If others are like me, I think some of us might harbor mistaken notions that we are more rational than average and thus don't have any misguided tendencies or thinking. CBT was a revelation to me. I learned to better observe my own emotions and also my own "thinking traps", etc. It has helped me better "manage" myself and prevent me from letting events drag me into another depression.

Someone else mentioned forgiveness and that helped me a lot in my own recovery as well. Forgiveness can be applied to others and ourselves. It's ultimately a very enlightening practice.

Best of luck to the OP and others dealing with pain. Closing a chapter on life is very hard but it can also be liberating and a path to other great things in life.

Sorry to hear about your parents.

I agree with your point about not harming yourself. After my first parent died, I tried to pretend like it never happened. I drank heavily to ignore the pain. Drinking affected my own physical and mental health. It was tough to break out of that cycle - it took about a year.

After my second parent died, I acknowledged the pain and tried to embrace the grief. I didn’t drink or take drugs - when a memory came to me, I just let it ride. That was a much healthier grieving experience.

If you don't mind me asking, and it isn't too painful, what was the thought that initiated drinking?

I've always been curious, because while substance abuse hasn't been a feature of my life, I'm suspicious I have other outlets (that I'd like to recognize).

So what were the steps between (daily life stuff) and (I'm taking that first drink)? Resignation, sadness, boredom, lethargy, habit? Anything that I could watch out for in my own life? Any insight appreciated, and glad you feel healthier now.

Thanks for saying that.

It’s hard to put my finger on which feelings initiated the drinking. I think that, subconsciously, I wanted to end my day comfortably numb.

This is how I got there:

“I have been drinking all week, why stop today?”

“Why stop at one beer? I can handle another”

I would watch out for repeated resignations. That seems to have created my bad habit.

"Repeated resignations" is a great turn of phrase. Thanks for the response and insight!

Agree with this. Acknowledge-Forgive-Learn.

What worked for me a few years ago:

1. Drop any goals you have outside of work. One day at a time.

2. Allow for extended idle time. Allow yourself to just "be".

3. Do what feels right in this idle time, which in my case was:

  - Spend lots of time in nature. Take walks.

  - Write letters to people involved in the matter. I didn't send the letters.

  - Meditate

10 years seems to be a good estimate how long it take to deal with extreme experiences.

In my experience it also was 10 years since I could handle similar situations. I have also heard this number from others often.

I'm at 10 years now, pretty much to the week, although I would also say that it wasn't a linear progression from year 0 to now, as if you're gradually recovering from an illness. For every leap forward in my own process there were some major, major regressions, right up to 2018/2019.

I'm not sure I'd call this moving on. More like learning how to cope, and be more resilient. The closure, if any, was I have what I need with myself and I don't need to get it from the people who hurt me. So I'm happy, all things considered.

Basically sharing this to say that even if 10 years seems to average out, our path through it will likely be quite different.

I've come to the horrible realization that the trauma part of the brain runs on some sort of 10 year cycle. I'm not a doctor but it must be some sort of memory/function/process that the brain slowly modifies over the course of a decade before it decides to move it out of daily use to long term memory. There doesn't seem to be anything you can do to speed it up either.

Trauma gets locked into the body too, not just the brain.

EMDR therapy helps process trauma for some.

I too am resolving trauma from 10 years ago that I couldn't quite face

In some spiritual circles, the number is 10 as well. I'm now drawing up on 9, and oh boy.

10 years was my number as well.

Low key incredible advice. Thank you.

Sorry to hear this and hope others can also learn from your advice.

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