You want MXLinux - Debian with just enough systemd to work in a modern environment but with SysV init. https://mxlinux.org

> not to mention 5-minute shutdown times

5 minutes? Try total hang on shutdown, and often not starting up. That was my systemd experience. I traced it down to a NFS mount that no amount of tinkering would mount reliably pn boot. Granted that was several years ago, but soured me on systemd.