ORMs exist because straight SQL isn't a good interface for programmers, and ORMs are bad/a leaky abstraction because the problem is really messy.
Instead, let's just build a relational database that 1) has an API that is useful to programmers i.e. not SQL 2) supports explicitly specifying a plan, not providing hints or clues, but using operations that look map, filter, reduce, hash-join, etc.