But it's The Holy Laptop of John The Analyst, tenderly preserved in a climate-controlled vault (i.e. near the office aircon unit) since 1996. Rumor has it that its coffee stains have achieved sentience, because it's not been cleaned since John was summarily fired for gross misconduct. Its battery has long been replaced with a mains cable going through a UPS unit bought secondhand on eBay (hey, it was the 90s). It is booted only once a year, on the third week of May, when the sun hits the window of the cubicle of Bob The Security Evangelist so hard, that he actually has to stand up and go to another room.