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> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them.

Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.

I feel particularly compelled to highlight that this one above is sarcasm, OP. I actually almost read it as sincerity.

Maybe its cultural but from my perspective this has a fair 70% chance of appearing turbo creepy, especially if you're "that guy"

t. That guy

Edit: didn't get the joke did i

Also get some thumbtacks and red string and use it to create a real world relationship mapping between each person.

4) do this after you get home - don’t literally jot that stuff down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some details, that’s ok. The important part is that you’ll think over that interaction while it’s fresh on your mind.

5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to by classmates more often than not showering regularly. Depending on what you’re doing and what your climate is like, most college-age guys should probably wash a t-shirt after a day of wear, button-downs after two (if you had a t-shirt under it), and jeans after three or four, but for the love of all that is holy, do not wear socks or undies more than one day.

(Edited to add) Laundry hack I learned from non-stinky husband: instead of putting them in the dryer, hang up button-down shirts while still wet to avoid pretty much all ironing.

I am going into detail on this because of a direct report I had to awkwardly counsel after the customer started making remarks. Sources of information on safe laundry intervals for young men: CS guy friends who were not stinky, said non-stinky husband

>... and jeans after three or four, ...

That's likely way too frequent and will quickly wear the denim out. Granted, it depends.

For casual/social wear, washing jeans every 4-6 weeks is typically fine. Obviously wash them sooner if there's any smell that simply airing them out doesn't cure, or if they're visibly dirty.

I agree that everything else on your body should pretty much be worn once and washed, barring top-layer delicates such as sweaters or cardigans.

Maybe this depends on location, I am in Texas and much of the year jeans will stink after wearing 2 times, also college students walk a lot. Walking several miles in 100 degree heat will make changing them necessary.

It depends excessively on season and climate; adjust for all new locations and times of the year.

If a climate induces sweat assume reduced upper limits even for breathable items (E.G. shorts).

If you smoke or apply perfumes, all of these times are out the window for my tastes; it is impossible for you to have fresh cloths.

To take the button up hack one step further - toss them in the dryer for a few minutes, just to let them warm up.

Take them out one by one “flicking them” from the collar / arm area, and then hang.

It’ll reduce the wrinkles even more.

Is college that clothing focused now? I think it changes across generations. Not as in smelly, but wearing a beat up shirt and jeans was pretty fad in the 80s. I remember seeing a HS class visit in the late 80s and they were all dressed like they were going to a Miami Vice shoot.

In winter I would dress before light and end up on bus or class randomly with an inside-out tee. This drove people crazy. I stopped checking myself because I met so many people that way who would have otherwised ignored me but felt compelled to tap my shoulder and tell me.

Sometimes you have to be different enough to stand out.

Fully agree with #2.

No matter how clever you are, feeling at ease around people takes some practice. I used to be considered super extroverted, but now after the lock-downs, I also feel a bit awkward inside. So pick an event that might be interesting - any event really - and go there. Try to spend 1 hour without staring at your phone and instead look at what's going on, what other people are doing, and what you could do.

Also #3. You'll be surprised at how little what you say actually matters, as long as you are generally friendly, attentive, listen to them, and are halfway hygienic. Most people are so worried about what you might think about them that they barely have time to form an opinion about you.

At that event, there will probably be other people that are lonely, too. You'll need to divide them into 2 groups: a) they are alone because they are difficult to talk to, or in a bad mood b) they are alone because they are in a similar situation as you So if you see anyone that is alone, makes eye contact, and seems friendly, just talk to them.

"I went here alone because I was so curious about X but everyone else already had plans. Why did you come?"

Extra credits: Try to start your questions with Why or How. It gives the other person an opportunity to talk about something unrelated, if they want to.

I think this is good advice for making acquaintances, which is definitely a start.

But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable.

The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount.

The best friendships I have are with people who I have shared myself with, have been willing to listen, and who have listened with kindness and understanding. People who appreciate that I am showing faith in our friendship by opening up.

Some people will not give me that space. They will look uncomfortable or make awkward jokes. They will always be acquaintances to me, never friends.

Conversely, I must be willing to do this for other people. To listen with understanding, to ask questions, and to know when my opinion is not needed.

Now, for those who want it, here’s my strong opinion: if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f*k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.

> if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f-k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.

You could say "f-k em", or you could try something like "hey man, it hurts when you make jokes like that" or "I know this makes you uncomfortable to hear but I really just need ____ (encouragement, a kind word, etc) ____ right now"

Relationships at their core need grace and forgiveness, not a f-k em attitude. Plenty of those awkward/jokey people grew up in families where a spirit of listening/kindness/understanding was minimal and thus can't give what they never received. Assertive communication gives people that wobble room to grow to meet your unique needs.

Absolutely. I was being a bit dramatic, but if this is something one is willing to do then by all means.

I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life. Also I’m more confident in talking to other people when I’m in a good shape.

#5 should be true no matter what kind of suggestion you are giving. Funny how often people assume that if someone is alone then it’s because they are dirty or looks ugly/unfit.

I didn’t read that as an assumption, I thought it was a genuinely good tip. Some people (especially function over form types like myself and many other computer people) don’t make hygiene/appearance a priority.

This turns people off. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

This reads as borderline creepy and sociopathic. If I discovered a friend of mine did this to me I'd find it really needy and a bit unnerving.

OP - you really just need to actually chill. Throw a party like others said is a good start - but don't be a weirdo about it and overthink all this shit.

I made lifelong friends at this age by going out to shows/parties - occasionally taking recreational drugs and baring souls to one another. 20 years later we don't do any of that stuff, but we're still close and just as no bullshit as back then.

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

https://www.monicahq.com/

There's a lot of good advice in that, but some of it would be too regimented for me, and I've never been able to handle too many social activities in a short period of time.

A lot of social technique advice is useless because anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence would discover it themselves, provided they have the right brain chemicals for naturally spending a lot of time around people, which obviously most of the people who don't already do that don't. The first step in a realistic guide would be something about how to overcome or change one's inner nature. If you wanted to help people who weren't already successful you'd really need to start by telling them how to overcome their depression/anxiety/health problems/sleep disorders/whatever else is biasing them against getting out there. Someone who is completely healthy will start talking to people out of boredom and will not need advice on how to do it.

As someone who needed this advice thread in my youth, i have to heartily disagree with you. Projecting my own experience here:

> anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence

...can talk themselves into feeling apprehensive about pretty much anything. Not advice for OP necessary, but getting out of your head is definitely advice many of us needed.

All this jazz about brain chemicals is just as much a distraction. Just another "intelligent excuse". It can be harder for you, and depression or other conditions can make things even harder, but buying into this intrinsic sense of this is what I am is what reenforces these traps.

Edit: You've since elaborated, but I'll let my original post stand. I agree with you much more now!

Talking yourself into feeling apprehensive about everything sounds like anxiety, which I think we're agreeing, while using different words, needs to be overcome before anything else can happen - but afterwards the rest will probably fall in to place. The neurology vs psychology thing is a semantic issue, really, whatever solves the problems works, and the problem is the same whatever we call it.

I recommend using Notion and its personal CMS template for maintaining records on people. It's hard to remember children's names and gender sometimes, especially if don't meet them or talk to them that often. Sure it might seem like you don't care enough to remember, but if you are the sort to never remember anything, like me, then it helps a lot. It's better than saying "Sorry. I forgot" time and time again. At least this way you're making a conscious effort.