Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

217 pointscollegeburner205 comments

I talk to some people in classes and we're pleasant to each other but haven't gotten beyond acquaintance with any of them. I know some people from a club I'm in but don't see them outside of that. It doesn't help that I'm a computer science major and I don't have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games, social media, etc.) Advice on how to connect better with people?

I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this. But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how.

Edit: some people have asked, I'm a sophomore. Seems like a lot of people already formed their social groups last year.

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1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time.

2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection.

3. Learn to be a "connector". Learn to talk to people. Listen to what they want and like. Connect them with others who like the same thing. Learn to cook and invite groups of people over for dinner and drinks/tea. Organize walks or hikes. Play poker, play board games, chess.

4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

5. (Edit) Oh yeah, practice EXCELLENT hygiene at all times. Shower in the morning after exercise and take care of your teeth, breath and body odor.

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them.

Make sure to put that list on a wall somewhere in your room so visitors can see how much you care. It will be a nice conversation starter and not at all alarming.

I feel particularly compelled to highlight that this one above is sarcasm, OP. I actually almost read it as sincerity.

Maybe its cultural but from my perspective this has a fair 70% chance of appearing turbo creepy, especially if you're "that guy"

t. That guy

Edit: didn't get the joke did i

Also get some thumbtacks and red string and use it to create a real world relationship mapping between each person.

There's a lot of good advice in that, but some of it would be too regimented for me, and I've never been able to handle too many social activities in a short period of time.

A lot of social technique advice is useless because anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence would discover it themselves, provided they have the right brain chemicals for naturally spending a lot of time around people, which obviously most of the people who don't already do that don't. The first step in a realistic guide would be something about how to overcome or change one's inner nature. If you wanted to help people who weren't already successful you'd really need to start by telling them how to overcome their depression/anxiety/health problems/sleep disorders/whatever else is biasing them against getting out there. Someone who is completely healthy will start talking to people out of boredom and will not need advice on how to do it.

As someone who needed this advice thread in my youth, i have to heartily disagree with you. Projecting my own experience here:

> anyone with a reasonable amount of intelligence

...can talk themselves into feeling apprehensive about pretty much anything. Not advice for OP necessary, but getting out of your head is definitely advice many of us needed.

All this jazz about brain chemicals is just as much a distraction. Just another "intelligent excuse". It can be harder for you, and depression or other conditions can make things even harder, but buying into this intrinsic sense of this is what I am is what reenforces these traps.

Edit: You've since elaborated, but I'll let my original post stand. I agree with you much more now!

Talking yourself into feeling apprehensive about everything sounds like anxiety, which I think we're agreeing, while using different words, needs to be overcome before anything else can happen - but afterwards the rest will probably fall in to place. The neurology vs psychology thing is a semantic issue, really, whatever solves the problems works, and the problem is the same whatever we call it.

#5 should be true no matter what kind of suggestion you are giving. Funny how often people assume that if someone is alone then it’s because they are dirty or looks ugly/unfit.

I didn’t read that as an assumption, I thought it was a genuinely good tip. Some people (especially function over form types like myself and many other computer people) don’t make hygiene/appearance a priority.

This turns people off. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.

Fully agree with #2.

No matter how clever you are, feeling at ease around people takes some practice. I used to be considered super extroverted, but now after the lock-downs, I also feel a bit awkward inside. So pick an event that might be interesting - any event really - and go there. Try to spend 1 hour without staring at your phone and instead look at what's going on, what other people are doing, and what you could do.

Also #3. You'll be surprised at how little what you say actually matters, as long as you are generally friendly, attentive, listen to them, and are halfway hygienic. Most people are so worried about what you might think about them that they barely have time to form an opinion about you.

At that event, there will probably be other people that are lonely, too. You'll need to divide them into 2 groups: a) they are alone because they are difficult to talk to, or in a bad mood b) they are alone because they are in a similar situation as you So if you see anyone that is alone, makes eye contact, and seems friendly, just talk to them.

"I went here alone because I was so curious about X but everyone else already had plans. Why did you come?"

Extra credits: Try to start your questions with Why or How. It gives the other person an opportunity to talk about something unrelated, if they want to.

I would expand on number 5: maximize your looks, do bodybuilding or calisthenics (be able to do at least 10 pull ups and 30 push ups). Make sure that your clothes fit. People are drawn to better looking people subconciously in real life. Also I’m more confident in talking to other people when I’m in a good shape.

> 4. Keep track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them. Maintain their contact. Reach out during holidays and birthdays in a heartfelt way.

https://www.monicahq.com/

4) do this after you get home - don’t literally jot that stuff down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some details, that’s ok. The important part is that you’ll think over that interaction while it’s fresh on your mind.

5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to by classmates more often than not showering regularly. Depending on what you’re doing and what your climate is like, most college-age guys should probably wash a t-shirt after a day of wear, button-downs after two (if you had a t-shirt under it), and jeans after three or four, but for the love of all that is holy, do not wear socks or undies more than one day.

(Edited to add) Laundry hack I learned from non-stinky husband: instead of putting them in the dryer, hang up button-down shirts while still wet to avoid pretty much all ironing.

I am going into detail on this because of a direct report I had to awkwardly counsel after the customer started making remarks. Sources of information on safe laundry intervals for young men: CS guy friends who were not stinky, said non-stinky husband

>... and jeans after three or four, ...

That's likely way too frequent and will quickly wear the denim out. Granted, it depends.

For casual/social wear, washing jeans every 4-6 weeks is typically fine. Obviously wash them sooner if there's any smell that simply airing them out doesn't cure, or if they're visibly dirty.

I agree that everything else on your body should pretty much be worn once and washed, barring top-layer delicates such as sweaters or cardigans.

Maybe this depends on location, I am in Texas and much of the year jeans will stink after wearing 2 times, also college students walk a lot. Walking several miles in 100 degree heat will make changing them necessary.

It depends excessively on season and climate; adjust for all new locations and times of the year.

If a climate induces sweat assume reduced upper limits even for breathable items (E.G. shorts).

If you smoke or apply perfumes, all of these times are out the window for my tastes; it is impossible for you to have fresh cloths.

To take the button up hack one step further - toss them in the dryer for a few minutes, just to let them warm up.

Take them out one by one “flicking them” from the collar / arm area, and then hang.

It’ll reduce the wrinkles even more.

Is college that clothing focused now? I think it changes across generations. Not as in smelly, but wearing a beat up shirt and jeans was pretty fad in the 80s. I remember seeing a HS class visit in the late 80s and they were all dressed like they were going to a Miami Vice shoot.

In winter I would dress before light and end up on bus or class randomly with an inside-out tee. This drove people crazy. I stopped checking myself because I met so many people that way who would have otherwised ignored me but felt compelled to tap my shoulder and tell me.

Sometimes you have to be different enough to stand out.

I think this is good advice for making acquaintances, which is definitely a start.

But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable.

The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount.

The best friendships I have are with people who I have shared myself with, have been willing to listen, and who have listened with kindness and understanding. People who appreciate that I am showing faith in our friendship by opening up.

Some people will not give me that space. They will look uncomfortable or make awkward jokes. They will always be acquaintances to me, never friends.

Conversely, I must be willing to do this for other people. To listen with understanding, to ask questions, and to know when my opinion is not needed.

Now, for those who want it, here’s my strong opinion: if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f*k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.

> if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f-k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.

You could say "f-k em", or you could try something like "hey man, it hurts when you make jokes like that" or "I know this makes you uncomfortable to hear but I really just need ____ (encouragement, a kind word, etc) ____ right now"

Relationships at their core need grace and forgiveness, not a f-k em attitude. Plenty of those awkward/jokey people grew up in families where a spirit of listening/kindness/understanding was minimal and thus can't give what they never received. Assertive communication gives people that wobble room to grow to meet your unique needs.

Absolutely. I was being a bit dramatic, but if this is something one is willing to do then by all means.

This reads as borderline creepy and sociopathic. If I discovered a friend of mine did this to me I'd find it really needy and a bit unnerving.

OP - you really just need to actually chill. Throw a party like others said is a good start - but don't be a weirdo about it and overthink all this shit.

I made lifelong friends at this age by going out to shows/parties - occasionally taking recreational drugs and baring souls to one another. 20 years later we don't do any of that stuff, but we're still close and just as no bullshit as back then.

I recommend using Notion and its personal CMS template for maintaining records on people. It's hard to remember children's names and gender sometimes, especially if don't meet them or talk to them that often. Sure it might seem like you don't care enough to remember, but if you are the sort to never remember anything, like me, then it helps a lot. It's better than saying "Sorry. I forgot" time and time again. At least this way you're making a conscious effort.

True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up.

It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together.

I'd suggest joining a Crossfit gym or similar. I've had great success meeting people within the context of group workouts. It has regular class schedules, and provides a way to ease into social interactions at your own pace as you'll be around the same people regularly. Often this leads to opportunities to do things together outside of the classes.

Additionally, there are likely individuals with similar disinterest in the common activities you mentioned in you CS classes. Finding opportunities to work with someone on class assignments, studying or projects together would fall in the "shared struggle" category.

For my sake, I picked up martial arts in college and would say that ~75% of my life long friends come from there. I have work-related friends, but there's a very clear difference between them and the people I've punched for years :D

I definitely agree with the shared struggle aspect and add the activity should also have "moments of down time" where you're still "doing" the activity, but you're sort of at a point of waiting. These are the moments where you get to find out someone's life, like if they've got a kid that plays a musical instrument or new policies at their own jobs.

One simple thing we did early on was simply ask some of the other people "what are you doing tonight?" after the class. At least at the college age, there's always a chance a handful of people will be down for going to a bar or pool hall afterwards.

>simply ask some of the other people "what are you doing tonight?" after the class

Yes, and 1) in this context the stakes are lower, it's not some big planned event or party. And 2) You're not trying to meet people or start from 0 at a party amongst strangers; these are people you already know you're just out having a good time.

I would second this. Martial Arts is a great place to get know to people and overcome social aniaxy.

I was going to suggest joining a fraternity for the same reasons.

i want to second studying together. i had the same experience when i went to university. the only friends i made from one university were those who formed a study group in the second year that kept together for the while duration of the class.

later i joined a volunteer group that helped students get summer jobs.

all my friends came from groups like these...

I want to echo this because I strongly believe this to be true. Sharing a challenging experience together is one of the strongest factors in setting up friendships. I've made friends with a 70-year old because we were standing in line in the cold and wanted to complain about the urgent care we were trying to visit.

Many of my closer work relationships have come from venting about aspects of the company we didn't like. And, echoing the other responders, many of my closest friends from college were those that I psetted with at 4am.

Advice to the OP: get involved with a club or activity that has challenging aspects (e.g. a service club or a sports club) rather than a shared interests club. Don't worry too much about not being too interested in "traditional CS" things - just be open to sharing and learning about your non overlapping interests.

> True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up.

Have two "forever" friendships over 20 years, where we talk almost every day & have been around for good & bad in each other's lives, even though on different continents for past 12 years.

You have to believe me when I profess that such friendships are 'forged over blood, sweat, rum and tears'.

Yes, suffer with someone. Build an app together or study together or take on really difficult projects.

A lot of fraternities/clubs buy into this through hazing, but this is getting chomped down upon by many universities.

Some of my best friends have been made doing theatre. I have zero interest in acting, but doing all the other things involved in staging a performance is a load of fun, and the intensity of the collaboration can make for really strong and long lasting friendships based on common experience. A good theatre company needs people of different types to work, you can probably find a space that suits you talents and temprement.

> Advice on how to connect better with people?

Log off, touch some grass. Put yourself out there. Once you get a few people around you, it's relatively easy to leaver yourself into other friends groups.

> But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how.

Just say yes to the next offer you get, you'll only make friends if you expose yourself to other humans. HN is unlikely to be the place where you make real friends.

Specifically about the parties: You can invite yourself easily enough to things - just get them talking about it (i.e. "oh I hear you're having a Halloween party, anything cool planned?") - if you sound interested and talk for a while most people will invite you.

The only way to get good at social interactions is to keep putting yourself in social settings.

I think this is good advice but it’s worth mentioning:

1. This kind of thing doesn’t come naturally for a lot of people (myself included)

2. It doesn’t always work even if you do it well. Perhaps the other people are also quite shy.

So the important thing is practice, and to kind of brace yourself going in: “If it doesn’t click with these specific people, I don’t care. This is a practice run and I’ll practice again until it works.”

I’ve found that, paradoxically, one of the things that makes relationships hard is wanting them. When you really desire a friendship or other relationship with someone new, you tend to come off as over-eager or awkward, and that’s off-putting for the other person. Conversely when you can be casual and unconcerned, it makes you seem confident and happy, which other people are drawn to.

So there really is a “fake it till you make it” thing going on, which is quite hard to learn IMO, but can be learned with practice.

Livestreaming on twitch and join discord-communities is a great place to practice social interactions.

Not sure why others are downvoting, this is really great advice for people who have social anxiety - low risk, real enough to be meaningful, usually narrowly focused on a shared interest, prepares you for the real thing. Downvote me as well if you like, but I’d be curious why people don’t agree

It's not at all clear to me that it does prepare you for the real thing. I think one could very plausibly argue the opposite: it's so massively easy-mode that it gets you used to social interactions being easy and low-friction, and through habit it raises the barrier to practising the real thing.

Agree, I think a simpler example of how this happens is remembering names. Everybody had zoom names on screen so had "easy mode" doing this for over a year, and most people I've talked to had some difficulty remembering names since.

The phrase "touch some grass" makes me want to grab someone by the head and squeeze till it pops. I understand the context, it sounds so stupid.

It's really picked up steam in the past year

Why does it make you angry?

It's usually loaded with condescension and reduction, a rarely actionable silver bullet that makes no consideration of circumstance.

Sounds like you need to touch grass.

I mean its sometimes a fair complaint, it can be kinda rude, just in this case its useful advice to get out and don't get too extremely online (which is a risk for people my age)

Though I guess getting mad about it might be a valid reason to tell somebody to touch grass

The important consideration is grounding yourself with the people around you.

Find that genuine interest in others' interests.

You see them on the opposite bank and it's a lot easier to build a bridge cooperatively.

Circumstances demand a personal approach, so no one can tell you how to build a bridge, only that you must.

True that. Thank goodness my close friends have discord!

Sounds like you need to smoke some grass

> Just say yes to the next offer you get

While they should be saying yes to opportunities to connect with people, I'm not sure if this particular advice is great. If I was in a similar situation to the author of the post, I would find this particular advice demoralizing. It assumes the author of the post has what they are stressing they do NOT have - friends and offers of things to do. If you are not connecting with people you will not magically have offers from people.

It's about forcing yourself to get out there in controlled settings - clubs, volunteer, meetups, classes, and other places people are actively seeking connection.

This is too narrow a view. Social events are widely advertised, the offer does not need to be directed specifically at you.

Maybe, but I have rarely experienced wide advertisement (that was intended to include me) and don't know where to begin. I agree that this is off-putting advice.

Many social activities assume you're showing up with friends. If you have none, they're akward and depressing.

^ This. I've gone to some big school events that arent really fun by myself, there's not a lot of talking with random people cause everybody else is there with a group.

One thing I'd add to the advice given already is to get out and socialize sooner rather than later in your degree. When you are a freshman, everyone is in the same boat as you, trying to piece together a new group of friends. It can seem daunting, but know that you're not in it alone!

After freshman year, you'll still certainly be able to make plenty of friends, but I found that first year to be especially primed for socialization.

As others have mentioned - ask people to hang out outside if class. Get to the clubs you are interested in, even if they aren't full of other CS majors. Look for events sponsored by the school, like concerts or dances or sports games, and try to find folks who are interested in a good time there.

Best of luck to you!

P.s. - where are you going to school? If you feel comfortable sharing, you could potentially get some advice on campus specific activities (if there are any alumni around).

That's part of it, I'm a sophomore and didn't meet anybody last year on zoom. Seems like everybody already got their social group though. I'm at Texas A&M, so if there are any former students around who got ideas lmk.

I'd imagine you aren't the only person who may be having a hard time adjusting from a remote freshman year to an in person sophomore year! Outlook is a big part of these things, and sometimes optimism is a great tool even when it seems unwarranted.

I'm a cali guy, so I can't comment on Texas A&M from experience, but... is there a computer lab available for working on your CS assignment? At my school our lab was lovingly referred to as "the dungeon". It was a place where you would spend long hours working with others on hard problems. As others have mentioned, shared hardship goes a long way towards friendship, and I am still close with some of those I met and worked with there!

Gig ‘Em! I found my social circle reset pretty hard after freshman year and I was kind of starting over as a sophomore, so not the same situation but some similarity. I’m not going to lie, Sophomore year was hard, but it got better and I loved the rest of college.

One thing that made a huge difference for me was getting a job on-campus. In my case I worked at the Battalion, it was awesome. Although it was also a lot bigger back then.

Student jobs are great because regardless of the job itself, everyone else is, well, a student! Unlike class, you almost certainly have a lot of time to chitchat and kill time on any job, so it’s easier to make friends. Another bonus: chances are the people you work with are in all different majors, and as you make some friends who aren’t in your classes then it helps branch out and give you more sources of potential friends. The people who cross over between disciplines tend to be interesting.

Other things I did include intramurals, volunteering at summer camps, and getting an all-sports pass and constantly asking people if they wanted to go to a (soccer/volleyball/tennis/basketball) whatever sport was happening and not football. Everyone already has plans for the football game, but the minor sports are way easier to go watch, less time commitment, and tons of people have all sports passes but nobody to go to tennis matches with, so they are wasted. I made several casual friends by just asking people “you ever been to an Aggie Soccer match? It’s fun!”

If you’re picking up on a theme here, it’s that you should try to spend as much time in meat space as possible. I was really never comfortable doing stuff like just going to the bar by myself, and having structured activities/excuses why I was going to be somewhere helped me a lot. Most of the friendships I made were casual, but I think that’s normal, and a few became close friends who still keep in touch 15 years later.

Hang in there! Lots of people have lonely seasons in life, it’s normal, and it’ll get better :)

Fellow Aggie here! I graduated with a CS degree nearly 10 years ago, but I feel like earIy on I had similar experiences to what you’ve described.

For me the landscape and huge size of different orgs at TAMU was also somewhat intimidating. I did push myself to join a couple of service oriented groups and had a great time but didn’t make close friends (which is fine). I ended up getting involved in research and became close friends with many of my lab mates. There are many great CS research labs that are welcoming to undergrads just starting if you have interests in that.

For me I also found (perhaps too late in my studies) that taking classes in other areas that interested me (social sciences, psych for me) was a great way to meet entirely different groups of people without a lot of the effort of joining an org.

I hope something in here is helpful! Although I was definitely a 2%er with respect to school spirit, I greatly enjoyed my time at A&M and hope you will too.

I'm in a similar situation, I started studying during covid prime time and I'm now in my third semester with absolutely 0 friends/no support group.

Up to now, I've never had any events in person. Some classes are in person again since 3 weeks ago, but everyone immediately runs away after we're dismissed. I'm starting to lose hope at this point.

>...When you are a freshman, everyone is in the same boat as you, trying to piece together a new group of friends.

My experience too. It may seem that everyone else is somehow already plugged-in, but it's just an appearance. Making some acquaintances is a first step to potential friends.

I would not be relying heavily on the need to share something in common - free time and attention is already common enough. All it takes to "socialize" is to ask anyone from your fellow cohort about what they're doing tonight a few times then ask to come along, if not already being invited to join. Turns out boring or not your thing, well, at least now you've got a "shared" experience and a reason to reciprocate and invite someone to do things your way.

Another idea is to join some hiking (or similar outdoors) group. This gives you an extended time in a group, so naturally some conversations open the avenues to do things together beyond hiking. Also, it helps to hook up with some folks from the next college year, kinda piggy back into their circles.

Finally, just do your thing in the spririt of "Build it and they'll come!". After all it's your time, make it fun for yourself to live through it.

Good luck!

I had a big circle of friends in college and here are a few insights:

— everyone else is also worried about what they are going to do and wondering how to make friends

- they want to be invited

It’s easy: just invite people. Some people may politely decline but they’ll appreciate it.

Many many many people will accept and be very grateful for being invited. Come up with a plan for them: we all meet at X, then go to Y. You can pick public places.

Now you’re the hub of your social group. Please use this power for good and not evil. Try not to exclude people next time if they occasionally get annoyed at you.

This is the answer, 100% - also don’t become a gatekeeper and do help others to come in

Want to give you some reassurance from somebody who was in that exact same position all 4 years of college and only found my stride socially during the career later on:

Sometimes college kids can be a bit shallow and immature and also don't have the social skills to keep friendships going from their side - friendship is a two way street. Definitely "try" a few methods to see if something sticks, and get involved in 2-3 clubs if you've got the bandwidth, but don't think it's the end of the world if nothing does stick. Get what you can from college (internships!!) and know it's not going to be the same thing for the rest of your life.

I was an introvert, disabled, had hearing issues, in hindsight also had hygiene issues that I've since taken care of, and was dangerously depressed during my junior year which didn't help matters. I basically camped out at the library either borrowing books or games, did my four years, and still have no connections from that time.

What worked was showing up in-person at my current workplace and climbing up the ranks with my coworkers and getting to know them on a personal level, as well as going through several rough work changes. See if an internship offers a different social group than college does.

(Also a woman - so, having a few issues being social isn't just a gendered thing, even if it skews a certain way.)

Most important: relax. I had the same problem during the first year in university. If you start: "Keep[ing] track of everyone you speak to. Everyone. Write down what they mentioned they liked, who their family is, what matters to them." you will feel or be perceived as a creep. Just relax. You are probably young. You need to find out who you are. Maybe you are an introvert or even a lonely wolf. You see the others socializing as if it's the most natural thing. You think you need to adapt. Try it, try being the extrovert, the introvert and anything in between. On the surface it looks like people like the extroverts the most but with time comes experience and the insight that it's not that simple. The most important thing is that you find your style. If you feel comfortable with yourself because you are confident in who you are you will see that you are surrounded by the people you want to spend your time with. Just take your time. Relax.

As an autistic person (and I'm not suggesting OP is also an aspie), I can say that all the advice that amounts to "just put yourself out there" is worse than useless; you only see things the way you do because those interactions come naturally to you, and you instinctively know how to process and act on them. People who are socially awkward are often unable to do this. It's like saying to someone who is not good a maths, "Having trouble with arithmetic? Just calculate harder!"

Agreed. It is tiresome.

Starving? Just eat some food

Insomniac? Just go to sleep

Socially anxious? Just be more social

No friends? Just put yourself out there

All the same useless advice

Do you notice how your last example (the one that was actually suggested by GP) doesn't fit the pattern? That would be:

No friends? Just get more friends.

The advice as given by GP is at least somewhat actionable.

Being more social was a legit solution for me for social anxiety. It’s called exposure therapy and has quite a bit of research to back up its efficacy if done properly.

This seems like the classic confusion caused by conflating “simple” and “easy”. Simple advice may be useful.

It works most times, case in point: don't get angry

"Just calculate harder" is reasonable advice for a lot of people. If you think of your skill level as a multiplier on your effort, more effort will help for anyone with a skill level above zero. If you're worse than normal at math a lot of people would tell you that you needed to spend even more time studying.

Spending more time in a learning environment is a very reasonable thing to advise a slow learner do, math or otherwise.

What sort of advice has helped you?

Caveat: by sheer dumb luck, I've never actually had this problem, but I am painfully aware that history would only have to be a tiiiiny bit different and I would have the problem. (It's possible I have a secret talent for binding together friend groups, but it totally doesn't feel that way.) I'm forming this advice by looking over my life and identifying why I'm in such a fortunate position.

The standard advice is: friendship is formed from proximity; repeated unplanned interactions; and a setting which encourages people to let their guard down. This seems extremely true. Sometimes luck puts you in a position where you can't avoid these interactions with people who are near you a lot, but if you're finding that it's not happening naturally, look at which of those is lacking in your current activities and see whether you can increase them.

Case study: choir or orchestra (remember that "unplanned interactions" can take place in a planned setting). There's a shared goal among people in close proximity; there are very often periods of unplanned downtime and hence casual interaction while the conductor focuses on some other subgroup of the choir to yours; smallish (~30 person) choirs naturally form into nicely conversation-sized groups among the parts anyway; the nature of the activity is already skewed towards publicly making a fool of yourself (everyone around you can hear your wrong notes!) so everyone's sensitivity to social convention is slightly suppressed.

Debugging example: perhaps you attend a club so are regularly in proximity to people and there's the chance for unplanned interactions, but you're finding that conversations just don't naturally happen (this is me all the time!). That suggests there's some combination of you and the setting which is not encouraging people to let their guard down. The easy-mode hack is to decamp to the pub afterwards (even if you hate pubs, I can't stand them but they do the job extremely well) and let the group's collective guard go down with alcohol. It'll be easiest if they already have some friendships among the group, so that some people are already being open with each other. Remember that you might be part of the problem here, so consider erring on the side of being uncomfortably open yourself.

And in college, remember that however painful it is, there are so many people around; if you mess up somewhere, you can literally just never see those people ever again if necessary.

If you are introverted (not saying you are), or just having difficulty connecting to people the way to go is to do some sort of shared goal directed activity that you can talk about with said other people. Join a club, or take up an activity - learn to do something that can serve as a topic of conversation. Most places where people do something like social like rowing or dancing have well developed programs for converting beginners into participating members of the community - start with beginner lessons in whatever it is. Don't be afraid to try a number of things before you find something that "fits". You don't have to be perfect at something in order to enjoy doing it with other people (who may also be imperfect at it).

Something similar happened to me the first semester of college. I had no friends and I was really struggling with the transition. I lost a lot of weight because I didn’t want to go to the cafeteria alone.

Things ended up improving for me and overall I had an amazing time in college. What worked for me was trying to stay open when meeting people. I took some risks and asked people to hang out 1:1 and in small groups. There were a lot of these hang outs with people that never turned into anything in the first year. It wasn’t until my second year I really made some good friends and it came through trial and error.

I also don’t have any of those interests. I went to a big school and one of my realizations is that it was on me to find my own place there. I tried a bunch of clubs before I found one or two that stuck but through those activities that DID stick I made my best friends.

Keep your head up, know that the transition will take time, and keep trying new things on the social front.

We befriend people with whom we spend time. As simple as that. Usually that happens because you have common interests, common foes, and/or common values, but those are a non-problem in college where everyone is facing the same issues, are roughly of the same age, and still have to develop a strong set of beliefs.

So, to get practical, I would suggest: just show up. Show up in class, show up at clubs, show up at extra-curricula activities. Do it long enough, be honestly engaged, and you'll be surrounded by friends you'll keep for all your life.

> I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this.

The most critical thing is to be intentional about it, and to set aside time. Like any goal, it almost certainly won't happen if you do not set aside time and energy to work on it.

Relationships are also often something that grow over time, rather than a lightning bolt that hits you all at once. Try asking who wants to go to a second location and get dinner or coffee or whatever the next time you see folks from your club, or the next time a tutorial is wrapping up. Do it again the next week. I am sure that even if you don't believe you have things in common, you'll be able to do what everyone does to some extent: listen anyway, and eventually you'll find common ground.

You are probably swamped with comments already, so you probably won't read this. But I think one of the issues that I had with making friends was the feeling that nearly everyone I was talking to and trying to make friends with seemed to be doing better with it than me (ex: the acquaintances I made in my classes having too many friends already, so they don't want to hang).

I think a part of that is due to the average person you talk to and try to make friends with has a lot more friends than the average person. I think it's kind of like how the average YouTube video you watch has a lot more views than the average YouTube video.

People with more friends hang out more and are more social, they meet more people, and they meet more people who want to be friends with them.

Factors like that might cause you to feel less confident about how you're doing with making friends and socializing, and which cause you to want to try less and put yourself out there less.

If you're trying (and thinking how I was thinking back then), you're probably doing better than you think.

The most important factor in becoming popular is luck.

> The most important factor in becoming popular is luck.

Important implication which you didn't state but which might be very easy to miss: you therefore need to take actions which maximise your luck. "It's all luck" is actually actionable advice! Iterating fast, maximising the number of people you come into contact with, and so on.

Make eye contact with every person you can. Smile through the awkwardness. Verbally greet people when in close proximity. Ask people questions that are specific to your interests ("I see you have a sports team shirt on, I too like sports ball!")

The next step is to find your confidence. Some other folks here mentioned a hobby or other activity to make friends. For me I found a rollerblading and roller skating group, because I had skated so much on my own I was able to use that confidence to fit in with the group. 70% of my friends as an adult came from that group.

And my last piece of advice is to play the "Yes" game. Whenever an opportunity presents itself then accept. You have more time to do this while you are young. This is the opposite advice as what entrepreneurs give, but when you are in college find as many opportunities to do as many new things without getting into trouble.

As for Halloween, dress up, get a big bag of candy, and try to give it all out. Do it with poise and grace. People will remember candy dude and more than likely you will find a group to tag along with.

Good advice, I guess I still got to find an activity where I can be really social (the 1 club I'm in is more academic).

Cool idea on halloween, do you think just go on campus and hand it out? Sounds kinda fun lol.

It depends on country how the university system is set up, but often student accommodation is as key as class is. Most of my friends weren’t studying what I was studying, and we met in the dorms.

One “trick” is study groups. These can be turned into friends groups by subtle directions like meeting in a pub or suggesting retiring to a pub when it gets tiring, or the classic “meet at mine; I’ll cook”.

Even if these people are lightweight friends, they may be the people who eventually introduce you to those you will be close even beyond uni.

Another angle is to volunteer for those who help international students on exchanges and things. Students who do exchanges tend to interesting people!

How was your previous school experience? How long have you been in college?

Your statement “haven’t gotten beyond acquaintance” kind of implies some general social awkwardness/anxiety. You seem to be branding yourself as an outsider looking in. I think that’s relatively common and I’ve been there, it’s just an observation.

You don’t have to have a lot of interests in common with people to enjoy their company. But if you are routinely looking for reasons that you don’t belong in a group, you’ll keep finding them.

Stay authentic to yourself. Seek out people that make you happy. You do not have to be best friends with someone to enjoy their company.

As an introvert, I have found that I do best with situations that expose me to the same people for a while. For example, clubs and groups that regularly meet for the purpose of an activity. There are often many such things at most colleges - just think of some activities you enjoy doing and look at the directory of clubs.

And I wouldn't worry about having missed out - it's never too late to start. I wanted to be on my school newspaper, but didn't get around to it my freshman year. But I joined my sophomore year, got super into it, and was editor by my senior year.

1. Become friends with your roommate, and dorm people. You see these people everyday. Say hi to them, and just small talk for only 2-3mins time to time when people are not in a rush.

2. Play sports... (recreational/intramural), coed better.

3. Join a gym, and start exercising/living healthy

4. Make sure your hygiene is on point and dress well/better than the average. Also pay attention to your grooming and other habits (eg. eating habits). Perhaps there is something that is turning off people.

5. Try to invite people to events/things. Event just lunch at the school cafeteria. Try to form a habit to have lunch with the same people/group and eventually people will invite you to things.

Some of the folks that I went in college that had trouble making friends, apart being socially akward, had some kind of basic hygiene/grooming problem. You are not going to get invites to parties if you look like crap, and have body odor. Nobody will tell you why.

Make sure these basic stuff are covered, then the other thing is just talking regularly to the same people, having lunch with them regularly, etc...

Also, don't beat yourself up, as many people are in the same boat as you. This year is kind of unusual, as covid is still a concern and most people will be more reserved as usual.

Good luck,

Stick hygiene at top of your list including making sure that your clothes and bedding are regularly washed. You'll feel better for it anyway and if you're feeling ill/under the weather then you've got a good buffer :)

To add to #5, it might be awkward the first time you invite someone(s) to do something, but think about it like this: no one will think less of you for asking them to have lunch with you. There's a really good chance they're too nervous to ask people to go to lunch with them too.

It's really common in social settings where multiple people want the same thing, but are too nervous to ask the other person. A lot of people don't like making the decision or will wait for someone else to say something, but that usually results in nothing. In the end, there's no real downside to asking.

It can be really hard to meet people, but college gives you constant opportunities to, so there's plenty to take advantage of.

Chat with your class mates and once you've had regular conversation with them a few times, ask them to grab food or study together. The amount of friends I've made from study groups was huge, definitely recommend.

First off, it's important to remember that this actually isn't a big deal unless you make it that. I think there's a lot of pressure on people to make "friends for life" at uni, and realistically you'll be making friends in all sorts of avenues for the rest of your life, so don't sweat it.

My advice would be to do the things which make you happy, and then you'll meet people who get along with you. Those things don't have to be connected to college. Look further afield.

The advice of putting yourself in social situations is a start, but you also need to 1) be approachable, 2) be able to handle the social interaction, 3) know how to grow the relationship.

All of this depends on the type of social interaction, the people around you and will change over time.

For #1, I've noticed that people who are attractive or have a pleasant demeanor will generally have more social interactions initiated by other people, so at least make sure you don't hurt your appearance.

For #2, having a good sense of humor helps, as well as being able to have a conversation and relate to other people.

For #3, honesty, shared values, boundaries and timing is important. Here, like others have mentioned, you want to spend time doing various activities together.

Also, people can sense when someone's 'forcing' the friendship to happen, so try to not to stress out about it. You'll get direct and indirect feedback when interacting with other people, so learn to read between the lines.

When in college, you will cross paths with other people without a lot of effort, just make sure you take that first step of putting yourself in social situations, because it's only going to get more difficult as time goes by.

Lastly, friendship has a maintenance cost (both time and resources) and a dynamic between the parties, which may not always be beneficial for you. For example, my best friend in college was a great friend in the beginning, but as soon as he got comfortable with the friendship, he began to undermine me, push the boundaries and use the friendship to his advantage. I believe that's just his personality and as much as it hurts to lose your best friend, I had to cut the friendship for my own well being. I don't recommend breaking ties at the earliest sign of trouble, I only want to make sure you're aware that a friendship can end up being a net negative for you and you should evaluate the friendship once in a while.

Try meeting people in lecture and recitation to do problem sets together. This gives you a whole new set of people to meet every semester, for every different class that you take. Doing problem sets together is a really good excuse to introduce yourself to someone.

Join a fraternity or sorority and go to fraternity parties. It's really easy to meet people that way. Frats are by definition social groups, so they'll introduce you to a lot of people on campus.

This is kind of weird, but go to office hours for the classes you really like. It's usually the same few people going to office hours and they really care about the topic, so if you do too, you could become good friends.

Join a lab to do research. You'll meet a lot of the older professors and graduate students that way. It's a different set of people than your classmates.

Buy a guitar. Play it loud. Get fucked up on alcohol and drugs. You will get kicked off campus. This is your first sign of success. Play the guitar louder. Drink more and do more drugs. All these fuck ups that are still around? One of those is your drummer. This is the crux. Which one is it?

Answering this question correctly results in absolute freedom and the actualization of your soul.

Or like do meetups or something. Jesus Christ. How the fuck would I know.

Go out and drink beer on a Wednesday night. Go to football games. Go to dance clubs. Go to music venues. Go to parties.

Then talk to people. That is literally all it takes in college.

If you stay in your dorm room night after night, especially in your freshman year, you are going to have a hard time connecting with people. You need to get out more.

1 night during the week, 1 night on the weekend are for meeting people.

You can study / homework / club stuff the rest of the time.

I highly recommend taking some kinesiology credits, if your anything like me, first thing in the morning. It's much easier to get out of bed for say Racquetball than calculus, it's good for you, and just about anything you choose will have far more interaction than your average CS class. I took volleyball, Racquetball and several semesters of dance. All were great for meeting people and making friends.

I didn’t do well at this in college (/university in my case, UK). I didn’t really know much about myself which I think made it harder to connect with people. I learned more about myself in my mid-twenties which made it easier. I threw myself into that and made a wonderful group of friends and found an amazingly supportive community.

Now there is a fair chance this will not help you at all, but I’ll share here anyway. The thing that really turned it around for me was finding a minority that I was part of, in my case the LGBTQ+ community. Being in a minority community where everyone shared similar experiences gave so many more chances to make friends. I.e. more chances to be vulnerable around each other, and more changes to support others when they are in need. That’s how I made friendships that I think will last a lifetime.

This will not be the experience of everyone in such a position, but it was mine. The other comments here also have some good advice.

From my point of view I think it must be really hard for strait/cis/mono etc people. I still inevitably socialise in those circles and it seems hard to make connections.

> I'm busy a lot of the time so don't think about this.

The statement above reminded me of my situation when I was always busy with my coursework and couldn't find time for other activities. If that's your case, I will give three advices:

1) Work in groups: * Context: One thing that I learnt the hard way was people make friends by working with them together on assignments and discussing things. During my undergrad, working in groups felt like cheating to me: If I couldn't come up with a derivation or proof completely on my own => I don't understand it fully. How wrong was I in retrospect. * Advantages: (a) Learning is much faster (your friends understand what you know and what you don't, internet does not. When they explain something, they use this knowledge to specifically explain what you need) (b) You are much more likely to succeed (it's very unlikely that all of your group members feel lazy or unmotivated at the same time) * How to find groups: CS Projects usually require you to work in groups. Even if it's not, just call someone and say that you want to discuss this thing with them.

2) Don't spend too much time on courseworks: * Context: If you are in a good institute, your professors are probably very excited to teach and their course material is very rigorous. If you holistically try to understand everything in deep, I think it's just too much to learn in one semester. * Choose wisely: Decide in advance for what courses you want to understand everything and what courses you just want to pass. Passing a course (with a good grade) does not require understanding everything in deep, be smart about what to study.

3) Have some hobbies: Other answers have already touched upon this point.

Assuming you keep a calendar and manage your time, see what time you have available and see what events are going on on your campus. I guarantee there are a ton.

Do you like coffee or tea? There's an okay chance there's a club for that (met many friends and a girlfriend through coffee club).

How about your school's radio station? Wide variety of people and new music (made long lasting friends at mine).

Maybe club sports? They're taken fairly casually (milage my vary) and you're going to be interacting with people the whole time.

I'm sure there are at least a few clubs that you'd be interested in. The thing that makes clubs easy to approach is that they're fairly structured and they're all about getting new members. You can go every week and you know these people share an interest and are open to new people, which is a great starting place.

Good luck with everything. Time management and planning your goals will get you very far in college. Plan to meet people and work it into your schedule in different ways, whether it's a club, chatting with dorm neighbors, or having a study group. I'm sure you'll do fine.

I didn’t really make many friends until junior year, and the majority of my “friends from college” I didn’t actually meet until after I graduated. So don’t let that deter you.

I lived at home and went to the local state university, so I missed many of the social things that brought people together freshman year. A couple things helped me.

I started hanging out at school a lot more. Some of the first people I really got to be friends with were all working on campus at the places I spent time at. Be friendly and say hello to these people, especially if they look bored.

I started using the gym more. Classes and clubs will help you find more like minded people. And when you keep coming after the first enrollment ends bonds are more likely since it’s not assumed you’ll stop going next quarter.

Finding work on campus really helped me a lot. I found a department that needed a lot of student help, then got to know someone on staff who could vouche for me. I made a ton of friends from that.

I started keeping an ear out for house parties. I’m asocial at best most of the time, but I somehow found I liked a good party. I also found that after a while you start running into a lot of the same people and can start to form bonds that way. Also note I didn’t drink in college so don’t worry too much about drinking culture, I found the only parties with extreme drinking pressure were ones I didn’t want to stay at anyways.

Mostly, I can say that I started making more friends when I started being more friendly. One other piece of advice, it’s much easier to be friendly with someone who is already smiling than someone who is not. This works both ways too, if you want to be approachable it’s best to have a slightly positive expression when you’re willing to expend social energy.

Are you in a dorm? I am still friends with some dorm mates from (jeez) 35 years ago. It’s not automatic; my kid was in a dorm and really didn’t make any close friends; he joined a non-residential fraternity though and made a bunch of friends that way.

If you’re club about a thing you like, then you will do things you like with people who share your interest. some are presumably the kinds of people you’d like to be friends with; even if you don’t make close friends, you’ll at least be doing something you like.

Also college age friendships aren’t necessarily deep ones so don’t worry if you are making a bunch of friendly acquaintances for a while. One or two will turn into deeper friendships, over time.

IF some asks you to hang out always say yes. They most likely wont ask again. lower your standards even if you don't plan on being long term friends. Just go out with people and you'll connect with other new people.

First, there are almost certainly many people like you at your university, feeling like they aren’t making any friends. By our nature we see the groups hanging around having fun, not the other individuals heading back to their apartments alone.

Initiating relationships can be a risk to our egos, as almost all of us fear rejection. “What if they don’t want me here”, “what if they don’t come to my party”, “what if I ask them to hang out and they say no”, “what if I end up not liking them “ etc… It takes effort, but if you can get comfortable at initiating relationships you’ll find that majority of time people are happy that you reached out.

There is literature that can help to. Some cognitive behavioral therapy books deal with social anxiety and Dale Carnegie famously wrote “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and I’m sure there are others who deal with the subject that I’m not remembering right now.

Also, as other’s have mentioned, join clubs and extracurriculars, espoused those focused on a shared endeavor rather than just a shared interest. Team sports, volunteerism, hiking, or other group project based forums are great. I’m college I made a huge number of friends in the football team, and post college I made some dear friends on dodgeball and bocce teams.

Let me give some very specific advice about Halloween in the hopes you can generalize. For Halloween, you have couple of options- 1) I’m willing to bet there is some form of public party at your college or in town. That’s your default option- make a costume. 2) Ask your acquaintances what they are doing for Halloween. They’ll probably tell you and ask you back what you are doing. Tell them you don’t really have plans, but might you might go to the public event in 1. If they didn’t have plans, invite them to come with you. If they did, they might invite you to them, so accept. Repeat with acquaintances until you are going with someone or small group. These are proto-friends.

Halloween events are great because everyone is wearing a conversation starter- their costume. Something like “Oh my gosh, I love your costume, WandaVision was amazing” is almost guaranteed to at least get a smile and pleasant response. If you enjoy the conversation at all, get their contact info (and write down a quick note in your contact lists notes field about them- “awesome Vision costume, studying geology”), and invite them to join you and or your little group.

By the end of the evening you should have had some bonding with a few people and contacts for more potential friends.

Good luck, and remember everyone else wants someone to be their friend, too.

Thanks man, I really appreciate the advice on Halloween. I had kinda a niche costume in mind, do you think it's better to pick something people will know or something I can explain?

No idea- I always forgot to get a costume ready and just threw something together at the last second. Mine sucked period (one year I cut up a cardboard box, taped the ends together, held up this structure with some suspenders with duct tape, made a "paddle" out of cardboard", and said I was "a man in a canoe". Everyone just thought I was a hobo. I don't recommend this approach).

The important point is to get the OTHER person talking. I can't find it, but there was a comic strip where two people were in a conversation, but one kept talking and the other just said "fascinating! Tell me more". At the end of the strip the two separate and the talker turns to someone else and says "that man is a wonderful conversationalist!"

If you do a search for "being a good conversationalist" you'll find a lot of the advice is centered around being genuinely interested in the other person and letting/encouraging them to express themselves, not what you are saying or expressing.

Get into a university club. I got into spelunking and almost instantly got friends. I was more of a trekking kind, but learned I also liked caving and got some long lasting friendships. Good luck!

Basically this. Pick something that sounds even moderately interesting, keep going to it, and even when it feels like you still aren't making friends keep going.

I had a similar struggle in college when I was trying to break out of my normal social group. I joined the school's ACM club, kept going to events, hung out in the lounge, and after months I finally started making some friends I'd see out of the context of the club.

Keep in mind that making new friends has similarities to dating, too much desperation is a turn off. Just hang out and keep coming back. If you aren't a creep, you'll make friends.

I was introverted at uni and it was difficult to make friends initially. So much so that i stopped leaving my room and became pretty depressed. I felt pretty sad everytime I went to lectures and just sat on my own with no one to chat to. I saw other folks socialising and having a great time but i just couldnt figure out how they got in a position to make friends.

Heading for lunch was also a sad affair as it was pretty much just me and my food watching the world go by.

What helped me was to get involved in societies etc. I found making a couple of friends easier after this (though i was still a little shy around women).

The key was to just be myself, not give a shit about what other people thought of me, and to try and enjoy each and every interaction with another human being. I think if you overthink how other people perceive you, it will make it harder for you to make friends. Simply dont give a shit and voice ur opinions (unless they're extreme and illegal)

Funnily enough, as I got older, I found I much prefer being alone and focusing on my own interests and personal development.

I now cannot be asked to go out socialising at the expense of my own insular interests.

Reason I mention the last point is that as hard and lonely university will seem right now, things will get better for you. You may find,like I did, that people are insufferable wretches best observed from a distance.

My suggestion: invite the people from the club to something. An event on campus, a movie, out to lunch at the dining hall, etc. Ask them about their interests in or outside the club.

You already have a nascent network, see if you can build on it.

You don't say what year you are in college, but my first year was really hard in terms of getting to know folks. Finding that first group of friends was critical to enjoying the rest of college.

What I have found works, is joining a group (club, volunteers group, sports team or whatever sparks your interest), and going as regularly as your schedule allows. In particular, help people out and do nice things like bring cookies or cakes (home-made is best if you can do it). Friendship takes effort, and requires maintenance.

I moved away from my home city about 20 years ago, and outside of work, I had no real friends apart from my wife, for about 10 years. Previously, I'd generally just "shared" my partner's friendship circles but this isn't ideal, as I've found don't have many interests in common with most of my partner's friends, which is awkward. I didn't consider myself isolated, or even recognise a yearning for friends in myself, but it does take a psychological toll.

I accidentally solved this problem by forming a makerspace and later, repair cafe - and this has bloomed into a decent, manageable (for me) friendship circle. I'm still not a massive party-goer, but then I'm in my 50s, so that's probably normal!

Go to events for people that have the same interests you do. You're likely to make some friends at events like this if you go to a lot of them.

One skill that other people haven't mentioned, but is incredibly useful: keeping up with people. Even if you talk to everyone you meet, and get 5 phone numbers a day, if you don't actively plan things and hang out with them, you can never become friends with them. Follow the other commenters' advice, but also make sure you consistently plan things with people.

Even if you don’t enjoy more social hobbies like sports, live music, outdoor activities, etc, try to treat them as a skill to develop. One thing it took me a while to learn is if you want to connect with people you have to have common interests with them, so learn to be interested in whatever’s popular, in addition to your personal hobbies which come more naturally. When I just do what I personally enjoy, I’m the only person who enjoys doing those specific things and other people don’t want to join because they have other interests. Making friends takes some sacrifice, but over time you learn to actually enjoy those activities instead of seeing them as pointless and wasteful.

More practically, I think the easiest way to meet people if you aren’t very outgoing is to join organizations. There should be groups for inter mural sports, volunteering, international clubs, or day hiking trips. May not meet new people every time but eventually you’ll connect with some. Your situation is a lot more common than you might think.

I wish I have a solution for you my friend but unfortunately I don’t. Anyone telling you to relax or it will be alright, please don’t believe them. I’m 32 years old and since college I had the same issue and I have tried so many things and all did’t work. I’ve made almost only 1-2 friend after high school. It’s a problem I just don’t know how to over come it. I almost lost hope and start just focusing on myself and try to make some accomplishments and not worry about social life as I tried so hard and nothing is working. Fyi, I’m an immigrant live by myself since college in the US and I think that played a big prt of getting along with people. Not feeling accepted as well as bing an introvert myself. Believe it or not, I have tried to move all over the country/switch jobs maybe it’s the town I was at but nope. I lived in bug cities and rural towns and it’s the same no different what so ever. Peace my friend. I hope it gets better for you.

Other tips here are great. Another thing that works surprisingly well - throw a party. It can be a pregame for some other campus event, or a board game night, or something low-key. But invite a bunch of people from different social circles and have them mix. And everyone is going to want to have a conversation with you; you are the host, after all.

I would say you have 2 reliable options, either to join various club or then (and this may get a lot of hate here) to rush a fraternity/sorority. It’s a pretty well structured way to funnel yourself into friendships. Yes it has its cons but it’s not unheard of to be more inactive senior year so think of it as a 1-2 year experience.

I made my two best college friends during sorority rush.

None of us actually ended up joining a sorority :)

You can buy friends with gifts. Buy some beers, booze, weed, etc and offer to share it with random people. You can also make things to give away, like brownies, sourdough bread, needlepoint, wooden trays. Granted, it's not a great strategy, because are they really being your friends, and is this really a healthy behavior? But it does work, at least as a way to open up conversations.

You can also do the ballsy thing and just walk up to random people and say, "Hi, I'm new here, and I haven't made many friends yet. Want to hang out sometime?" Ask people about themselves, and once you find out what they're into, offer to do the thing they're into with them, or ask them if they might teach you. The more actual common interests you have, the more likely that you can meet people though that interest.

Oh, and learn a lot of jokes. Bad jokes, or any jokes, really. Everyone likes to laugh.

Focus on empathy and listening. Also be open and be positive (think the best of people). Believing the world is a fun place full of opportunities helps one to be happy and attract people.

Open up and be vulnerable with people i.e. I finding x difficult at the moment but I’m figuring things out.

Look up Charisma on Command on YouTube. It helped me.

Making friends often takes some deliberate effort unless you're a social person by default.

- Clubs. Find more general clubs or groups. A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which is great for finding people who share that interest with you, but may not be enough to become friends with them.

- Campus events. If you're living on campus or near enough to go on campus for them, participate. If you're invited by someone, accept the invitation and hang out with them.

- When invited to something, say yes more often than no. If your objective is to make friends, anyone who shows interest in doing things with you is a potential friend. If you do like one of my old roommates in college and, in response to an invite to dinner with a group or a movie, say, "I'm installing Linux", you will almost certainly not get a second invitation. It's the "I have to wash my hair" answer for nerds, intended or not it conveys a lack of interest in the other person or people.

- Actively form a group. If you find people that you like, start inviting them to social activities. Hang out, go see a movie, grab dinner, cook dinner together, host your own Halloween party. Whatever it is. The best way to make friends is to actively cultivate the friendships. If you passively wait for friends, you will have a harder time of it.

Also, assume a lack of generosity on the part of others. As I said above, if you say no often enough you won't get more invitations. Assume that this is true, so sometimes meet people halfway. It doesn't matter that you don't enjoy picnics in the quad. If the group gathers there every week, go every once in a while if your intention is to form real friendships. On the other hand, if you take an active role in starting activities and inviting people, be generous. If they say no every time, keep inviting them. Don't count on them, but invite them. It's frustrating, but if you're not generous you may miss out on a good friendship later on.

> A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which... may not be enough to become friends with them.

This! I always hear people say "oh you'll make friends in a club" and couldn't figured out how to put this into words. Any advice on the sort of ones to look for that are "more general"?

Thanks for the other advice btw, I dont really know how to set up activities like that so I'll have to do some work learning but will give a shot.

When I went to college my only friends at that school were from HS, both were Presbyterian. I went to their campus group (they had a building, some students lived there). About half of the people there were Presbyterian, the rest of us were just friends with them (some religious, others not). So while the community ostensibly formed around the particular church, it had a more diverse group and we all had different interests. The common thing was that we mostly enjoyed each others' company, and then smaller groups formed around specific kinds of activities. Some of us were more video game nerds, or anime nerds, or we formed intramural sports teams, etc.

I also joined the IEEE student society and, later, the ACM student society. While they formed around the technical disciplines, they weren't as specific as a movie watching club. This offered similar opportunities to the other environment.

These broader groups have general social activities and events that are good opportunities to meet people without there being a specific focus. Another element of these groups is that you often don't need to be a member to go to their social events. That church group had cookouts every once in a while. People could just walk up and eat and talk, we didn't care if they were properly part of the group or not. If you see announcements for things or pass by an event, join in. You may meet people you like, or not, but you have to take the chance.

As far as setting up activities, start simple. If I were in college right now, this weekend I'd want to see Dune. I'd invite whoever I knew and suggest dinner and a movie. The movie is the impetus to get people out, the dinner is the opportunity to talk. Do it in either order (dinner then movie, movie then dinner), though the latter is nice because it means there is no clock on the dinner (c'mon people, we've got to go or we'll miss the movie). Then you can branch out from there. Whatever you're interested in, start inviting people but try to have a social component, a chance to just sit and talk. Learn their interests and if you see or hear something that may be of interest to them but is not high on your own list, still suggest it.

Like, I enjoy white water rafting, it's fun, but it's not my thing. I've had friends who would do it every weekend if there were no cost or travel time. So I still threw it out as an activity sometimes because I knew that it would be of interest to some of my friends, even if it was a take-it-or-leave it thing for me.

I had fantastic luck with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Something about training hard with others really makes it easy to bond. Added benefit of getting into the absolute best shape of my life just for showing up and playing the game 5-6 days a week (yes, you get addicted to it pretty easily)

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t participate in the Halloween craze. Perhaps you’re not so much into it after all? If your previous efforts to socialite weren’t successful, it might mean that you tried with the wrong people.

Do more of the stuff you really like. Look for things you like outside your home. Don’t worry if these activities don’t align with what you think would commonly be called „fun“. Spend an hour or two at the local library browsing every other day? Far from the mainstream, but it’s a great way to meet like-minded people. This is just an example, your interests may be different. The key is to identify and cultivate them.

Socializing is always easiest when you have something that you are passionate about.

1. I’ve always spent 1 year sitting next to people before befriending them. It became solid friendship.

2. Do train to be alone for Christmas. It happens to the best of us, human suffering is way more widespread than you would ever imagine.

3. But I regret not walking out of the campus and finding salsa/anything-classes, or just going out a lot. Don’t go too much to bars and don’t do much alcohol, but do organize a lot of parties, eatouts, picnics, hiking, cakes, birthdays, do a lot of gatherings between friends. Also, when you do this, vary the friends a little bit, it should never become a circle of 6 friends, it should always bring in and out a few people, so you constantly meet new ones. Because in the end the goal is also to find a girlfriend ;)

Is there a quad area on campus where people hang out between classes? Probably the most important thing is to be visible and familiar to as many of your classmates as possible. So studying in public places such as the library, or dawdling on campus between classes will increase your odds of meeting like-minded students.

Also, I recommend looking out for fellow students that seem to be 'connectors' in that they are social with many different people. They will typically be interested in meeting new people and hooking them into one or more of their social groups. Connectors tend to be busy but are also very reliable (unlike flirts which can at times appear to be connectors but instead are not reliable.)

The 101 of friendships and relationships in life is a certain ability to (a) Take some risks (b) Take the initiative

Instead of waiting to be invited to something try to invite others. There might be occasions you will be left embarrassed or feel rejected but if you don't try, how will you succeed?

Think of it like childhood: If you're not willing to fall how will you learn to walk? If you're not willing to speak garbled sentences how will you learn to talk?

There are a lot of good tips on this page already. But I will reiterate, make an effort. Put yourself out there a bit.

Also take care of the fundamentals: follow basics rules of decency and etiquette, take care of your hygiene, try to observe how others behave and take the cue accordingly.

There are plenty of good specific suggestions about hygiene, appearance, food, and so on posted already, so I'll be more general.

Eliminate habits that repel others and work on habits that attract them.

Don't be annoying. Don't try to make things about yourself. Don't correct people. Don't offer unsolicited advice. Don't be creepy to girls. Don't be pushy. There are myriad ways to be annoying.

Be pleasant. People strongly remember how you make them feel, so be sure your influence is positive. It's better to leave them wanting more than overdoing it and making them sick of you.

You can't be the judge of whether you are socially attractive or repulsive. Only others can do that. Don't fall back on ego-preserving self-deception, but accept their judgment and learn from it. At worst, the group isn't a good fit for you, in which case it's best to gracefully move on. The particulars of an intramural football team are going to be very different from the those of a math study group. Look to join groups that play to your strengths and not to your weaknesses.

You're right and I think i'm decent on those things, I just don't know if I'm wrong. I go to professional events and I connect well with people and have formed some good professional relationships from there. I just don't know how to get feedback on whether or not I'm doing some of those things, you know? It's really hard to figure that out about myself and people don't tend to mention that stuff.

> I just don't know if I'm wrong. I go to professional events and I connect well with people and have formed some good professional relationships from there.

A good professional relationship can turn into a lasting friendship, but in my experience it's pretty rare. Professional relationships tend to remain, well, professional. Be open to forming friendships with colleagues, but don't expect it. A lot of people just want their job to be a job. I've found both lunch and taking a 15-30 minute walk to be good ways to bond socially at work. Being pleasant shouldn't be too hard there. For example do you appreciate it when someone else drives to lunch? Then offer to do it too. Is your coworker bouncing an idea off you? Even if you think it's bad, try to find a way to show that you're in their corner and want them to succeed. Don't be dishonest, but prefer the "yes and..." to the "yes, but..." style of conversation.

> I just don't know how to get feedback on whether or not I'm doing some of those things, you know? It's really hard to figure that out about myself and people don't tend to mention that stuff.

Some people are naturals, but many, especially in the tech world, aren't. You've got the right attitude. Social interaction is a skill and like all skills it can be improved with practice. Dale Carnegie's book[1] is a classic on the subject that I recommend. Take some time at the end of the day to reflect on your interactions with others. See if you can identify why each interaction was warm or cool, especially if it started one way and went the other.

Finally, while it's best used sparingly, you can just ask them. Be aware that this can violate the don't be annoying rule, but many people like to be helpful and will give you honest feedback if you ask. Be sure to thank them for it, even if it isn't apparently helpful.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

Club is a good start! Do you like the people there? Ask if they want to grab food together after the club meeting sometime. Or invite them over for snacks, drinks (if you can obtain in a way you're comfortable with), videogames etc at your place or at a common space.

If you don't like them so much, or even if you do, try other clubs, IM sports, join a chorus or band or orchestra, a cappella group, etc. These things have built in socializing and often produce lifelong friendships.

Biggest thing I can say is that if you aren't already getting invited to stuff, invite people to your own stuff. Other people are probably having the same socializing trouble, so you can go ahead and fix it for everyone.

Tbh i should probably try inviting people to stuff, I just don't wanna try to put something together and have like 2 people show up. I never really organized that kind of hang out before so I'll have to do some work learning. Thanks for the advice!

Sounds like the low-commitment option of going out for food might make the most sense then!

I was in this boat in college in the 1970s and I joined various sport teams/activities with mixed success - all of the few friends I made were other guys I met on the all male golf team. The sailing club was the best mixed gender club organized a bit like speed dating with random mostly opposite gender people assigned to crew each boat each week and a week long camping trip that should have been relationship gold but never worked out for me. Long after college I learned to force myself to talk to people I met casually and gradually became less isolated. Then I got married to an extrovert I met in a bar and the need for friends of my own was greatly reduced.

A couple of suggestions I have learned from personal experience:

  1. Be yourself
  2. Be sincere
  3. Do your best to speak as little as possible
  4. Be observant and mindful when others speak to you
  5. Learn to listen
  6. Be appreciative
  7. If you are genuinely happy when you see someone, show it to him or her with a big smile and the warmest hug.
  8. Don't be a people pleaser; if you don't like something, don't force yourself to do so for the sake of feeling "in" with others.

Head up, deep breath, off you go my boy.

P.S.: Better to be alone and happy than be surrounded by countless of people and be lonely...I speak from experience.

Recommendation: treat networking, friend-making, social activities, etc as a skill to be developed. Gamify it for yourself.

What I'm saying here isn't meant to be insincere in your desire to connect with others, but rather treat it as a skill to work on the same way you might work on your health, diet, knowledge, etc. I'm an extreme introvert and loner - always have been - but at some point I realized that it's critical to be able to connect with other people at some level. Thus, when I started to view it as a muscle to be strengthened, I got a whole lot better at it.

As others have said - go find your tribe, not only in college, but in whatever you do post-studies.

The word "friend" is a pretty broad word. It's possible the people you think are all friends are just acquaintances who interact somewhat regularly and not the kind of friend that would really be there for you in an important way.

If you want to wear a Halloween costume, look for some place you can wear it. That's probably a pretty low bar.

Though attending parties may not be the cure for your loneliness you imagine it will be. Loneliness tends to be cured by having people in your life that you trust who know you well and those types of relationships don't necessarily overlap with the kinds of connections that get you invited to costume parties.

How to Win Friends & Influence People may seem like an archaic recommendation given that it was written in 1936, but it remains a must-read for those who need or would appreciate a framework for doing exactly what you want.

I spent my first year in college sitting on my computer in my dorm, so it sounds like you’re in the sameish spot I was. Next time you’re talking with new people, try inviting them to do something with you. I made my first friends in college by asking if some random classmates wanted to get lunch, and after just a few days we found common interests which quickly snowballed. Cosplaying as the social butterfly, even for a little, can change your social life overnight. It’s helped me heavily into adulthood, can’t recommend getting into the habit enough. Don’t take rejection personally, and just keep trying.

Volunteer for anything. Say yes to everything until you have no time for idleness.

Find a library/union with open tables and start camping there. People tend to pick the same areas, eventually chit chat can turn into more. Expand the surface area of your exposure. Take some less nerdish electives.

As someone more introverted than most, I had a similar problem in college, but I noticed that I tended to become friendly with the people I lived with. So I joined a 38-person house in a student housing cooperative, and I made friends there who I’m still close to a decade later. (This was during my senior year, though I kind of hung around for another year after that.) Nothing else (clubs, classes, etc.) ended up working for me, since making friends in those circumstances required the kind of active effort that I just wasn’t comfortable with.

Treat it like any other engineering project.

List your interests. List interests others have in college, not just CA majors. Explore other possible interests. This is what college is for.

Take a few non-engineering classes. Lit classes often have lots of discussions where you get to know people.

When you don’t know something in engineering, one option is asking friends. The next is take a class. For this problem you have asked HN, good start. If you are still stuck in a few months, take the next step and pay a social coach to give you real feedback.

Explore some groups! College is a great time to try some new things and develop new interests. It's typically easiest to develop friendships when there's some pretense of a reason to get together, which really can be almost anything. For me that was outdoor activities like camping and climbing, but it could easily be music groups, language partners, cooking, or literally anything else. Many campus groups should be open to newcomers with interest but no experience in whatever they happen to do.

First go to where the people are.

Turn off your phone and put it away.

Then, when you're somewhere with a bunch of people, don't look at the big groups talking and laughing together. Look for someone all by themselves who looks even more introverted than you. Go over to THAT person and say hi. Make some positive comment about the event. "I'm really looking forward to the thing. I've really been interested in things since I was a little kid." Ask them their opinion, "What made you decide to attend?", "What do you hope to get out of it?", "What did you like about the thing we just saw?" "How did you get started in this kind of thing?" Be ready to give them more than a one word answer about why you like the topic.

Make small talk. Ask open ended questions, "What's that like?", "Tell me more about that thing you mentioned a few minutes ago, I want to hear more about that." Be ready to tell a few stories yourself. Talk, and also listen. Really listen to what the other person has to say, and how it makes them feel.

After you broke the ice, and there's a pause in the conversation, look for a third introverted person all by themselves. "Let's go talk with that person." Now you have a group of three. Keep your eyes open for people on the edge, and bring them in and up to date on the conversation. "Hi, have you met Huey and Dewey yet? Dewey was just telling us about a fascinating method of arranging books at the library".

It's not easy to reach out and say hi to a stranger. It's extremely difficult. You'll have to force yourself to do it the first few times. When you leave your room to go to an event, promise yourself that you're going to talk to at least one person at the event. Then do it.

It's kind of like learning to ride a bike. All the thinking ahead of time doesn't do a bit of good. You just have to make a leap of faith, hop on, and hope for the best. Practice small talk again and again, and you'll get better at it.

Ask people about their other interests, and make it clear that you want to join that other activity. "You go rock climbing on Saturdays? I've always wanted to try that. How do I sign up for that?" Then meet one or two of the rock climbers and find out about their other interests.

Friends are made through shared experiences. The more intense the experience, the more durable the friendship. Figure out what you love doing and then find others to do it with. You may have to take social risks a few times to make the initial connection, but keep at it. It’s worth it. You may also need to be the catalyst for others who are in the same situation as you, if there’s no social group, club or platform for you to connect.

Take some initiative and chances. Tell everyone you know that you are hosting a party or a bowling hangout and see who shows up. Instead of waiting to be invited.

Lots of great advice here, suggest reading the famous book "How to win friends and influence people", very old but lots of good timeless advice.

Wish you all the best!

My friendships in college came from asking fellow classmates to have study groups with me, and from asking classmates who I'd do group projects on to hang out after class. Easier if you're 21 and can drink so you can pose it like "let's celebrate completing our project by getting beers" but can also just be like "lets get pizza/wings/burgers to celebrate" or whatever.

I didn’t make good friends in college until my second year—actually until I took a semester off and then came back. I didn’t make good friends in my major until halfway through my junior year. One of the reasons I switched from CS into Engineering Science (aka Engineering Physics) was because a lot of my CS classmates were pretty uninteresting.

These things take time. Don’t rush into friendships with people you don’t like.

A big thing to remember about going to University is in most cases nobody knows anyone, So you are not alone!

Get to know the people you live with, they are right there!

Is it possible that you're autistic? There are lots of online tests you can take. If so, it would explain why you have a hard time finding people to connect with.

If you are, then you'll probably get along best with other autistic people. And you'll have to put effort into socializing, which is a learned skill just like CS.

There should be several autistic people in any CS department, and also in math and physics.

My kids did well being the "go to person" for something other students need. Pdfs of specific textbooks that are hard to find. The "narrowed down" list of realistic choices for various scholarships, or internships for a specific major, or list of cheapest foreign study programs. Running a slack group (or similar) list of cheapskate opportunities (free food, etc).

Same boat.. What worked for me was.'walking dogs' on a Saturday morning at the local animal shelter. Made lots of good friends there.

Does your computer science department have an internship program and any business relationships with local businesses? If so, you could maybe get an internship locally.

That's one of the main ways I started getting to know more people in my major (because a number of them were working there as well).

This was at a rather large company and was also a long time ago, though (back in the late 90s)...

I was a cs student in your boat as well, I hated anime and vidya so I didn't get along terribly well with the nerdier kids who were into that from the department. I was lucky that I was social in other ways and met people from different majors and hung out with them outside of class, as well as meeting people through my roommates and going out with them.

Examine the menu carefully, and join a suitable community of faith.

If you were raised in a specific tradition, consider that as a going-in position.

Thanks, I haven't looked for one around yet but I'm sure there's one and its probably a good place. Good advice.

Make sure you understand your motives to do so. I’m a lifelong loner, don’t really have any friends but a few folks I meet about once a year and sometimes talk to online. That’s OK, it’s just who I am. So why exactly are you looking for friends? Often understanding the need in specific terms allows to find a solution. Hope this helps!

Use the college notice boards. My favorite way of meeting new friends was to put up a notice for the silly stuff I was into.

I once created a very silly CTF, and put up a few posters, and got enough participation to make a few friends and had a lot of fun organizing. No matter what you're into, make it into an event, and put up a poster.

I wish I could help, but I was in a similar situation and had a lonely 4 years in undergrad. I was spread thin between classes and my student job, which would make me tense and anxious, and I probably projected that vibe socially.

Grad school fortunately gave me a second shot at having a good social life and I was able to take it.

Is there any interest groups for students at your school? E.g. photography, choir, hiking, board games or something like that? If so, that could be one way to regularly meet people. Depending on where you live there might also be such groups for “regular” people as well (i.e. not restricted to students only).

Did you play in your high school band? Join the marching band. If you're worried your musical chops aren't good enough , just remember; it's not how well you play, but how loud you play! You'll have 100 new friends and have a lot of fun. Heck, I met my wife in the band.

Does your college have a pub? Go out for a drink every day in the evening? Or do they have some sports team that you can join? Or, just organise walking/cycling/hiking/reading/coding event every weekend or fortnight.

Be curious about people.

If you need a nerdy framework to practice to do this (I sometimes do), then Clean Language Questions are a good one.

Also, look at breath exercises for anxiety. Prof Huberman’s youtube channel has some.

> It doesn't help that I'm a computer science major and I don't have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games, social media, etc.) Advice on how to connect better with people?

you shouldn't isolate yourself based on differences in interests. find something you might possibly find interesting in someone and ask them about that and explore deepening the conversation. friendships are not only about finding "another you" but also discovering people who are different and might expand your perspective

EDIT: if you are down voting this i am curious to see why you think that this is bad advice. i genuinely think it is good advice and empathize with the person that asked this

1. Pick 3 places

2. Go to them at same time / day every week

3. Observe people

4. Be clean and not bad smelling

5. Strike up conversation based on what you observe

Gyms, coffee shops, or social clubs are good choices. Bars tend to be a bad choice and may encourage vices.

Don't overthink it. Just buy some pizzas for your college mates.

1) Ask for people’s names. Then remember it next time you see them.

2) ask them to grab lunch or dinner after or before class.

3) meet the next person, remember their name, invite them to lunch with previous person.

Recursively repeat.

People are always transferring schools so there's probabaly tons of friendless people. It's common. Drink, torn on my own frat experiences but Greek life mignt be good.

I think it's easier to make friends if you follow your interests outside school. Sports and hobbies like musik will make you gravitate naturally around same-minded people.

Ask people to study. I didn't go to school for the first time till 5th grade in a foreign country so I can understand how difficult it can be. You can do it

I made a lot of friends in clubs an intramural sports, but that was a long time ago. It takes time, but the most important thing is your studies and destination.

"Hey man, I've been locked inside my dorm for the past week studying and I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Anything cool going on tonight?"

People are overrated. Enjoy yourself,it's all there.

I managed to meet my wife by getting involved in student politics. That whole trying to make the school better manges to make me come out of my shell.

Go hang out with the smokers. They are right outside now. Smokers see everyone go past and say hey to anyone they know, even if only briefly.

Smoking not recommended.

Tbh i never seen people smoking on campus, its tobacco free so they can't really. Plus not many people smoke who are my age or if they do it's weed and at their place. It is interesting though, I have heard people talk about how smoking is (or was) kinda a social aid even more than alcohol.

Good point about tobacco-free campuses. I forgot about that trend.

most of the people who does'nt have friends around me are waiting for someone to call them to events. If you are doing it stop immediately you don't need someone to call you to events or to hang out you go and join them or call them. its not highschool there are no cool kids or groups everyone is same just relax and go hang out with the people you want to.

I'm surprised nobody has suggested "find a good supply of high-quality weed and start dealing on the side."

insert yourself into conversations and suggest some low touch followup like coffee. go to all the events and know the schedule of events to share with others. essentially find you in someone else. my favorite thing in college was starting a club, its a great opening line.

I struggled a bit early on. Join organizations and volunteer to help. The latter is important.

TLDR: Maybe you don't want CS major friends, maybe you want a completely different kind of friend group that you wouldn't have expected in advance. Also, consider throwing events.

My quick story, from "zero to hero" (just kidding).

Never interested in CS major interests.

During high school, I kept to myself. There were people I was "friendly" with, but no friends. Spent all my time on the computer coding.

Freshman year of college: Took super hard math and physics classes, where you were encouraged to work with others on super hard problem sets, I made friends. It was mainly focused around work and shooting the shit during super long study sessions. However, I felt like something was missing from my social life.

Sophomore year: On a punt, decided to start taking arts classes. Fiction writing, video, etc. Realized I love hanging out with artists. Joined the literary magazine and spent a lot of time at the literary magazine house in my free time. (Also realized that freshman friendship groups are only rigid and fixed for a small portion of the population and many other students were seeking different deeper friendships throughout the entirety of their college experience.)

Junior year: Ran for and achieved Dionysus position ("social chair") on the literary magazine. Started throwing our parties and immediately became immensely popular.

Now: All my friends see me as the most outgoing, incredibly well-loved, bon vivant type. Almost my entire social circle is artists. No one can believe that I started so "introverted" and solo.

p.s. throwing events is an amazing way to start meeting a lot of people and gain a wider possibility for possible friends.

How large is your uni? Theres bound to be social groups catered to your interests.

Check out a fraternity or sorority. They get a lot of negative publicity, some of it deserved, but some are good and there might be one that you vibe with. And they are all about your social development and having a group of friends. May not be the answer but at least check it out.

Ask people if you can hang out with them, go, be friendly, keep going.

What are your interests? Why do you want to have (more) friends?

I don't know how helpful this will be, but the strategy that has worked best for me is: attach yourself to "connectors."

Connectors are extraverts who have a large social circle and enjoy facilitating connections within it. If you meet them and they like you, they will start inviting you to other events, which are typically great opportunities to form friendships. Even if you don't end up being great friends with the connector, chances are high that you'll hit it off with someone else in their circle.

But how do you find the connectors? Well, sometimes they come to you. During my college orientation, a fellow student just walked right up to me and introduced himself. Another time, a student just walked into my dorm room -- he was introducing himself to everyone on the floor. (This sort of thing is much more likely to happen in college.) Usually, though, you have to take some initiative. Go to places where connectors will be, like meetups and clubs. If you're lucky, a connector will spontaneously introduce themselves to you; if not, try to insert yourself into conversation groups, and then figure out who the connectors are.

Essentially, these people are "scouting" for new connections. In particular, they're looking for people who are fun to talk to. So it helps to be a little weird and unique, as long as you're capable of carrying on a conversation without too much awkwardness.

The nice thing about this strategy is that you don't have to act super extraverted or self-confident. Connectors know that shy people can be very rewarding to talk to, so once you pique their interest, they'll supply most of the "energy" in the conversation. You just need to hold their interest, and before long they'll ask for your number/email/whatever.

After that, it's smooth sailing. When a connector invites you to something, say yes by default. (That is, always say yes unless you have a legitimate reason not to. Being scared is not a legitimate reason.) If they're a good connector, they'll invite you to events that are relevant to your interests, and they'll introduce you to people who they think you'll get along with. Then, Just Be Yourself™ and friendships will come naturally.

...Like I said, I don't know how helpful this is. In my life, I've been fortunate enough to befriend a few connectors, but maybe that's rare and I was simply lucky. And you definitely do need some baseline charisma for this to work well; it really helps if you can make people laugh. Anyway, I'm curious to hear other people's opinions on this. Maybe there are some connectors on HN who can share their perspective.

Good advice I think.

> ...Like I said, I don't know how helpful this is.

It is.

> I don't know how helpful this will be, but the strategy that has worked best for me is: attach yourself to "connectors."

> Connectors are extraverts who have a large social circle and enjoy facilitating connections within it.

And... you may become yourself one of these connectors before you know it.

One advice: don't be pushy to these connectors and don't make them feel you are using them. They want to spend time with people who gives them (back) some "energy".

Tell somebody you want to be friends with them.

not many people are mentioning it but - say hi to people.

go to a show, talk to someone about the show after it.

go to lunch, ask if you can sit with them.

etc.

Ask some people if they know of any parties happening. Try taking some herbal medicines to calm down your anxiety.

join a club outside your comfort zone aka salsa dancing, drama, improv, etc.

Take up Argentine tango.

Do some lsd

Make a start-up

make music

become an expert in a field

attend JavaScript conferences

Do you live on campus?

Join a fraternity

Get a motorcycle!

Lol. I did and it was one of the best things I ever did. But I did it after university. Rode all over north america on it, me and my tent Ƈ:)

Drink alcohol.

Volunteer.

COVID has definitely thrown a wrench in the works. So I suspect there are a lot of people in your boat, even if it feels like everyone else has a social group. Turns out, the people who don't have a social group just aren't as visible. Your job is to find them (or latch onto a compatible social group).

What helped me in college? Clubs were great, and often have social events + club events. If you even have a passing interest in skiing/snowboarding, golfing, disc golf, radio/music, or anything else -- go to club meetings. Put yourself out there as someone who's interested but wants to learn more. The nicest people in the group will help you get started. I know it's scary to put yourself out there, but that's largely how you bond with others.

I would also try to get into TAing if I were you -- that was a great way for me to meet friends in college.

And finally, start or join a study group for any class that interests you. Even if you're not struggling, helping other students can help you solidify your knowledge and understand the gaps in your knowledge. And teaching/mentorship are great skills to foster for your future career, too. If you are struggling, study groups can be a good way to find smart people who can help you not struggle. They're often good people to surround yourself in the future, too -- highly motivated, smart, successful people can refer you to jobs, help you find internships, etc.

It also hugely helps to attend parties and other drinking events at school. You don't have to get drunk or anything, but even showing up, having a couple of drinks, and hanging out with people informally will make the connections you need to start building friendships.

Finally, just be friendly when you're out and about. Hang out outside of your room whenever you can -- at the library, at a coffee shop on campus, at the cafeteria -- and say hi to everyone you recognize and feel comfortable talking to. Ask them about their day, or their weekend plans, or how that tough project is going. See if they're doing anything tomorrow night, and if you can tag along if it sounds interesting. You'll be surprised at how open most people are to that kind of thing, and how much they'll enjoy active interest from another human being. Oh, and it helps to exploit these chats to introduce yourself to friends of those friends who they happen to be with... who you can later say hi to to build your network even further.

One last thing: don't try too hard. When you're feeling genuinely nice and you're genuinely interested, go for it. But if something doesn't actually interest you, or someone seems busy and doesn't want to talk, don't force it. That'll make you seem weird, and you don't want that. Just be open and friendly, and good things will come as you build your network.

> I don't have a lot of interests that CS majors have (anime, video games, social media, etc.)

I was among the students with the best grades during my CS bachelor and masters. I don't like any of those things neither.

I've made friends five ways:

- two-three people following the same lessons. Those people were also among the ones having the best grades. They were, and still are, deeply interested in computer science, so that's one thing we did share. But our discussions go beyond this, we share human-being related stuff in general. Speaking about CS all the time would be boring to me. - flat mates. I built deep relationships especially three/four of them (and their family / close friends) - through existing friends - The choir. I sing in a choir of around 100 people. I joined it late in my studies (end of masters). I've have many friends (around ten quite close, some more coming, many more I like to see regularly). The habit of going to the bar after rehearsals helps a lot. We built / are building different groups of people, including people not from the choir. This choir has people of different ages and backgrounds and this is very valuable, which allows speaking about many different things. - (anecdotal) by randomly asking a phone number to a couple of people I felt well. It worked the one time I tried this. Though I easily ask phone numbers to new people more quickly now, so I can propose them things.

The kinds of relationships are different and all valuable.

I was somewhat shy, one of my flatmate made me join the choir and the choir helped me build confidence. People there are very welcoming and eager to meet people. You are not awkward if you just go talk to someone. Actually, I noticed a few time that doing so, the other person is relieved that I went to speak to them because they didn't dare do it themselves. I also noticed that this can be true in other contexts. Many times, people are just happy to talk to someone.

Try to find some club where you can meet people who are eager to meet other people. It was easy for me because my flatmate brought me with him, it takes more courage to go alone, but still worth it. Suggest people to go at a bar after whatever activity the club does, in group (not just one person). At worst, if you don't appear attractive at first, they will be happy to be with the other ones, and they will notice how good you are afterwards.

Listen to people. People like to speak of themselves and to find a ear to speak to. If you are not the kind who speaks much, you may be a good confidant and that can help build deep relationships.

Inviting people for hiking is a great way to build good relationships too, if applicable. It is possible to speak while hiking while enjoying great things together for several hours and you are associated to good memories after the hike, and will someone one can have a good time. Other activities can help too, like bowling for instance (not my stuff however).

Invite your schoolmates to the bar, it can be a good start. Especially if you are already pleasant to each others. I notice that many relationship don't start just because nobody actually made it happen, out of inertia or timidity. Make it happen, people will be happy!

Good luck!

Don't be sitting inside alone, get a good sleep, and be alone happy. What's the problem with that?

Have you tried authentic relating? It’s a practice of connecting with yourself and others in a deep way.

There are some free online Zoom calls to practice: https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/

It might give you insight into the type of connection you’re looking for and how to create it rather than waiting for it to arrive.

Also, you’re not interested in anime, video games, etc., but what are you interested in? Go to those places and hang around / talk to organizers. You’ll feel more alive in places you feel comfortable. If those places don’t exist then look into creating them.

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