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Comment by grasshopperpurp | Hacker News Reader

I still talk with my parents from time to time. My brother does the same - but less. For me, it's a sense of, They didn't mean to be the way they were. They just were severely undeveloped people, who were reactionary and fearful. I also recognize how hard being a parent is - especially when you're in a marriage that brings out the worst in each other.

I know that cutting them off completely would be very painful for them, so, I put up with some BS from time to time just shield them from that pain. I'm in a good place, so they don't disturb my peace too much, but I have to be mindful about it.

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There are lots of “severely undeveloped“ people in the world.

Some of them will be related to us.

I consider learning how to deal with that to be growing as a person.

For example, it’s ok that people believe things that make no sense.

It’s not my job to change people’s minds. It’s tough to get past the fact that people believe things that the facts contradict but I feel much better simply letting comments pass or saying “well, I really don’t see how that could be but if that works for you…”

> They just were severely undeveloped people, who were reactionary and fearful.

This is an accurate way to describe my parents, too. I stopped talking to my dad after my mom died for many reasons including the above. Although I recognize they did their best, I just stopped answering phone calls one day. I didn't think about it; it just came from immense emotional pressure.

In retrospect, it was the right decision for my circumstance. I do appreciate your approach to deliberately keeping your parents at arm's length without cutting them off, though.

Yeah, that's an especially tough situation, and I don't think there are general right or wrong answers. So much depends on all the confounding factors. I'm glad you did what was right for you.

As a parent myself, I think most parents go into it with the best intentions but do not realize how hard it is. Of the parents I know, a handful seem to be naturally good at it. The rest of us muddle through the best we can.

I did not keep in closer contact with my parents after I became a father but I did come to appreciate how well they raised me.

I've kept up the calls with my parents, but even this last visit -- the post-COVID visit where I brought my son to see them -- they just don't relate to anyone else on their terms. They only tell their stories again and again, and they take no input from anyone in the course of a few hours' visit.

It's really hard to take. There's almost no "there" there, and spending time with them isn't a fruitful endeavor, and even from a charitable "put in the time" perspective, they just kick into stories of regrets and mistakes and losses (real estate losses) and that doesn't seem to do them any good either.

My parents are immigrants, so I gave them decades of allowances for that, but.. man.. unsatisfying and painful the whole thing is.

I endeavor with all of my awareness not to be that to my son, ever.

>I endeavor with all of my awareness not to be that to my son, ever.

I relate to your entire post very well, but this particular point is one of the reasons I still keep in touch with my dad. I had to overcome some issues that - I believe he caused - and growing up was often painful because of him. But, he was there. So many times, I would say, That's clearly the wrong way to do that. I'll never do that. He didn't have that. It would have been really nice if he smoked a blunt and chilled the hell out, but I think I'm a lot better off than he was - having no example to learn from.

At various points in life I had to cutoff my parents due to being unable to carry forward with the relationship as it stood.

It wasn't until I became a parent that I understood the emotional toll that must have placed on my parents.

“But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.”

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