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As a guy, I'm super self-conscious about trying not to come off as creepy to women around me. In the past year, I've tried to be better about giving compliments to my friends, but I found myself complimenting my male friends much more than my female friends.

One day I asked a female friend about how to be less creepy when giving compliments, and she gave me the following advice:

"Don't compliment her on her body, because that comes off as creepy. Instead, compliment her on something she's wearing and probably put a lot of thought into. Something she might be proud of. This would be like her outfit or her make-up. The more detail in your compliment, the better."

With the recent changes in social norms, I'm just not sure where the line of appropriateness is anymore. Unfortunately I think a lot of people are just going to avoid giving genuine/non-creepy compliments to the opposite gender because of that, which is a shame. Thank god I'm not dating any more!

When I was in Morocco, people started talking to me, and when I responded with customary friendliness, they tried to sell me something. It didn't take me long to perceive their friendliness as the disguised first line of a sales pitch. After a while I became a lot less keen to talk to friendly strangers.

I wouldn't blame the "change in social norms", but the people who poisoned the well by using compliments as a foot in the door.

I started complimenting people more and it was a mixed bag. I'm a good looking man and when I compliment other men, whether it's their looks, accomplishments, or other characteristics, I have a strong suspicion that at least some of them think I'm gay or weird in some way and start to play it off. Pretty much equivalent to the situation where a woman gets a compliment from a stranger she doesn't like or thinks has intentions she doesn't like. It shouldn't work that way, but life is empirical.

Most don't know how to take compliments and I think the main reason is, as in many other aspects of social life, insecurity. I don't return compliments immediately, and I have to explain why a few times: quite reluctantly, because if one gives a compliment in order to receive one back, it wasn't someone else's appreciation, but an exchange, a transaction. The way I typically respond to compliments in real life is to look the person giving me the compliment in the eye and say "thank you" or "thank you, I appreciate you noticing" or something similar. As usual, reading the room is essential, and being confident and charming in life is always a plus. But the main point is that I don't feel the need to give anything back when I give a compliment, and I don't need others to return a gift when I send one to them. Be the change (or behavior) you want to see, someone said. And if they don't understand how it works, who wants needy people around anyway?

I think a big component of this is that men just don’t often receive compliments on things like appearance, so we are immediately suspicious when we do. This is especially true with receiving compliments from other men. This situation sucks, though, so thank you for helping change it.

Women object most to compliments about things that aren't under their control. A compliment about their choices -- their hairstyle, their choice of shoes, etc -- is better than a compliment about their body.

When a man compliments a woman's appearance, it instantly raises the alarm that he is going to demand sex. Maybe that's not his intention, but she can't know that. It has happened to her enough times that she has to prepare herself for it. Which is exhausting.

It also helps to pay compliments in passing. Don't stick around waiting for her reply. It's not on her to thank you or even acknowledge you. If you will feel bad that she doesn't affirm you for having complimented her, then don't do it. A compliment that puts a burden on her, even a small one, is of no benefit.

Men have different experiences (and of course everything varies from person to person). But some of these dynamics still help. Men don't want to feel the compliment as a burden, either. So if you want to be the type of person who pays compliments, a passing "Hey, snazzy tie!" may work better for you.

And if somebody does say that to you, "Thanks!" is all you need. And no-response is also an option: if it wasn't, the compliment wasn't sincere.

I agree with the comment. However, if you are attractive enough, try to compliment a man, saying something like, "I like that haircut", and see how they react.

Let me expand a bit. If you are good looking enough and classy enough, women appreciate anything you say. They don't object to non-vulgar appreciations of their body either. Like, "look at those great legs" is much better than, "look at that a..". But we all know it.

Unfortunately, one of the problems of the "how tos", guides on get better at "charisma", and comments one can read on HN, it is that they ignore the elephant in the room, which is the "quality" of the do-er. It is life, less theoretical and more practical that something one reads in books or listen to in podcast. But of course, reality rarely sells, but we all prefer to think there's this new insight or this new book that, just as the latest watermelon/pineapple diet to lose weight for the beach won't oust the chief role of calorie reduction in losing weight, will get us past simple truths, such as in-shape is better than not, beautiful is better than not beautiful, more educated is better than less educated, more charming is better than less charming, and money is better than no money. In anything one tries to do or achieve, including giving and receiving compliments.

"Quality" is a concept/trait that I studied at length in my academic research in biology, and it is difficult to treat since "circularity" (the animal got a better response because it is of better quality or it is a better quality because it got a better response?) makes it difficult to define the intrinsic or extrinsic nature of the causal effect.

I think you should do it the other way, and give small simple compliments as soon as you notice them. When you do, it comes off as natural and unplanned, and therefore confident and enthusiastic. Holding onto a compliment can alter your delivery so that it is unnatural, and that is one element of "creepiness."

Other elements are lingering or prying. You don't need to force further engagement even if you're going to remain in the other person's proximity. Learn to give a compliment and then stand in it without reciprocation or followup. Might feel awkward at first but if you start with strangers you have nothing to lose. Be okay with them being okay with simply receiving a compliment. It might help if you can come to perceive small compliments as expressions of your own taste rather than simple flatteries. Every now and then, someone will say something more and then you'll have a conversation.

> Other elements are lingering or prying. You don't need to force further engagement even if you're going to remain in the other person's proximity.

This is great advice. In my experience the difference between a kind stranger and a creep is the uncomfortable expectation of someone who feels entitled to further conversation simply because they’ve said something nice.

Something about the way you're framing this seems kind of off. I can tell you're thinking that of course you are the good guy here, you have no ill intentions and giving a compliment is an objectively good thing, you just need to find the right way to make the other person realize that this is a good thing.

But no social interaction is objectively good, it always depends on what the other person wants and how they perceive it. You're really focusing this around your desire to give a compliment, and not really considering the other person's desire to receive a compliment or not. Some people in some situations just don't want a stranger to come up and compliment them, or maybe talk to them at all, and it has nothing to do with you personally. Particularly on a train, you're not talking about at a cocktail party or something where the whole reason that everyone is there is to have social interactions. On the train some people just want to get to their destination and not receive compliments and that should be fine.

> where I'm briskly turned away for the audacity to talk to such a person

Oh the audacity, for someone to not want the same social interaction that you do!! Just because you're an extrovert doesn't mean everyone you come across needs to want to talk to you. Get over yourself!

>Some people in some situations just don't want a stranger to come up and compliment them, or maybe talk to them at all

But on the other hand, feeling avoided can be just as bad as feeling invaded. You're focusing on someone not wanting a stranger to talk to them, which does happen, but there's also the possibility that they are bored, or not socially anxious, and would like or not mind a brief interaction. You can't gauge what they feel about it until after you say the first thing, which is why the best approach is to say something without a lot of consequence, see their reaction, and then either leave them alone or keep talking depending on what preference they display.

Sure, I think that's fine. What was off-putting about the parent comment is the way they seem determined to not take no for an answer, and judge the other person if their preference is not to talk.

>they seem determined to not take no for an answer

But from the parent comment,

>To combat that and to not sound like I'm trying to strike up conversation, when I give compliments to strangers I do it casually and as I'm leaving their vicinity

It sounds like they understand the principle of not making people feel cornered very well.

> It sounds like they understand the principle of not making people feel cornered very well.

It sounds like they found a way to continue to do the thing that other people are finding creepy, but not have to deal with the awkwardness that comes from sticking around long enough to see the other person's reaction.

The only example I saw was complementing someone on their clothing, which many people would consider fairly well within the lines. Would you tend to disagree, or are you supposing that anyone who is concerned about being creepy has an accurate self-image? Unfortunately social anxiety is very common.

Ironically, the fact that people associate confidence with being in the right is the exact bias that you-know-what group has learned to exploit.

It seems to me like you would be the type of person to respond to "good morning" with "don't tell me what type of day to have!"

Nobody is a mind reader. If your best response to someone trying to put positivity in the world is to tell them how badly they're fucking up, that says a lot more about you than it does about them.

Normal, well-adjusted people appreciate a genuine compliment and it can really brighten one's day. Grumpy people are going to be grumpy anyway. I am not going to let grumpy people hold me back, personally.

But all that said, thanks for at least providing a different perspective. Even if I do find it highly unagreeable.

>Grumpy people are going to be grumpy anyway.

Oftentimes, that's because a bad experience left a scorched trail starting at a normal interaction and continuing all the way to the bad place it ended up. That doesn't make the negative judgment accurate but it can make it understandable.

Sometimes I have given compliments to strangers. But it is a risky move as you can come out as creepy. I think the safest choice is to compliment older people. Also complimenting the pets or the bikes works alright.

Use common sense.

Not creepy: "Nice watch!"

Creepy: "Nice waist belt!"

Very creepy: "Nice eyes!"

I tend to go with only compliment things that you can change. Body parts, can't change them so they're off limits. Outfit you can change (and they will have actively chosen themselves) so go wild.

Just you know, don't be weird.

If anyone is wondering what the rules are, I think it boils down to:

- They are expecting people to notice it.

- It's not a trait they were randomly born with, but rather is something they decided to do.

What's creepy about complimenting someone's belt, that is not creepy about complimenting their watch?

You have to look at this from the perspective of someone who's jumpy, maybe socially anxious, and concerned about unexpected things. Belts are less noticeable than watches, and less advertised as personality statements, so this possibly nervous stranger would be more prepared to hear something about their watch than their belt.

The point here is that you don't know if they're a loud-and-in-charge extrovert or a shy high-anxiety introvert until you talk to them.

I'm a woman and I'd never complement a guy I wasn't interested in on his appearance. I think it's a minefield for both genders. Maybe it's a pity - I'm not really sure.

I'm married, a male friend of mine is married, and he's lost a lot of weight over the last few months. He looks great, honestly, but there's no way I would say that. It would be weird on both ends.

FWIW, "you've lost weight" is well within the bounds of normal things to say that would not be weird. You are not even in the ballpark of hitting on someone when it's objective and not a claim that they're better than average. "You <blah blah> to me" is a feelings statement in a way that "You clearly <blah blah>." is not.

The nerds on this website, thinking "you're not as fat as you used to be" is romantic. :-)

I dunno, I think it's better to just not comment on weight at all unless you're good friends. what if you're wrong and they actually gained weight since you last saw them? or what if you're right and they have an eating disorder? either way it can take the interaction in the wrong direction, and you might not know it at the time.

in general, I think appearance-based compliments are best given sparingly and when you have enough context to be confident they will be received well. with strangers/acquaintances, compliments on skills or personality traits are much safer imo.

Well, what if you're wrong? I don't think there's a penalty for revealing that you haven't noticed that they gained weight, if anything they'd be happy about it.

if someone is mostly feeling secure about their appearance, it doesn't really matter. but weight can be a very sensitive subject, and you can't really know whether it is or isn't for someone you don't know well. in the worst case, comments about weight can be a trigger for people with eating disorders. it's just not worth it when there are plenty of other things you can compliment someone on. and btw, I'm not just talking about personal risk (eg, what if they report me to HR!?); it's also about being considerate of the other person. just because you intend something as an innocent compliment does not necessarily mean it is pleasant to receive.

I guess what I am saying is that the chance of triggering an eating disorder is so much smaller than the chance of making someone mildly pleased that it makes the risk not important unless you are aware of a problem already.

At this point, it's pretty unlikely that I'd compliment a woman I was interested in on their appearance. Far too likely for it to be taken badly.

I wonder if this is very cultural? I live in Denver and have never seen (or don’t remember) any awkwardness or creepiness around a compliment. I’m not super attractive but perhaps a more casual culture makes compliments have less implications?