Why we don't dole out many compliments, but should
bbc.com
bbc.com
Mr Bill Borkman was my church's 5th & 6th grade sunday school teacher. Everyone's grandpa. Wow, he could make you squirm.
When I was 19, during our congregation's coffee time (after service), I asked Mr Borkman why he complimented everyone. He got real serious. Turned off the charm. First time I'd ever seen him not be jolly. He faced me directly.
"u/specialist, my parents are gone, my wife is dead, ... So many things I wish I'd said to people I care about. So I'm telling you to give flowers to the living. Because when they're dead, it's too late."
A few moments later, he shook off the serious talk and resumed being jolly.
It's taken me DECADES to learn how to be positive, give compliments, and sometimes even receive compliments. Over time, being consistent, unselfconscious, having zero expectations, the people in your life will start to catch on too.
The whole world is shit, everything is shit, people are shit. Choosing to be positive and present is a coping strategy. It's definitely against my nature.
Compliments and other acts of kindness help. Just a little. Worth it.
It reminds me of the famous Victor Frankyl quote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Our ability to take the high road, pause, and choose to be nice is uniquely human. Even if we’re not “feeling” it inside, or even if the other person hasn’t been that nice towards us.
We can choose to be happy. We can choose to be kind towards others. We also, largely, suck at both. But the choice is definitely ours to make.
"Just choose to respond in a different way than you would respond and pull yourself up."
I've recently started taking a stimulant for ADHD and while it kind of sucks for focusing and it's ruining my sleep, it's a MIRACLE for my impulsivity and frustration tolerance.
I complained to my psychiatrist about the lack of focus, but only now can I see how my impulsivity has screwed so many parts of my life.
Yeah completely agree. It’s useful at least to know that we do have that choice, even if it’s hard to make that choice sometimes. The first step is simply knowing that it’s an option I guess.
To add to that, it feels weird to GIVE compliments for the same reason: fear that somebody will be suspicious that you're flattering or "sucking up." If they think you're flattering them, they might feel like you don't respect them, which is the opposite of the intention. This is 10x as true if the other person is your boss.
There must be some art to how you deliver it that helps with that
But then the threshold for giving a compliment is probably too high, in the workplace it's reserved for those truly doing a difference.
Or come across as creepy :). The article is well formed and I completely agree: a complement (generally) costs you nothing but can have outsized positive effect on a recipient.
And even _knowing_ this, I've generally not complemented the pretty dress that a lady is wearing on the train or at the store because, well, because imagined scenarios where I'm briskly turned away for the audacity to talk to such a person. To combat that and to not sound like I'm trying to strike up conversation, when I give compliments to strangers I do it casually and as I'm leaving their vicinity (for guys or girls). "That's a fantastic shirt," or "beautiful necklace" happens on my way out.
It also turns out I don't think I know how to take a complement. Like, I can say thank you, but feel pressure to give a complement and I prefer to give a genuine one but then worry it will come across as forced. This reciprocity is highlighted in the article. It is also a pattern used by folks preying on others. Overall, I feel I'm generally socially awkward and I've settled on the drive by complement with strangers. Folks I know, that's different.
Not creepy: "Nice watch!"
Creepy: "Nice waist belt!"
Very creepy: "Nice eyes!"
Just you know, don't be weird.
- They are expecting people to notice it.
- It's not a trait they were randomly born with, but rather is something they decided to do.
The point here is that you don't know if they're a loud-and-in-charge extrovert or a shy high-anxiety introvert until you talk to them.
One day I asked a female friend about how to be less creepy when giving compliments, and she gave me the following advice:
"Don't compliment her on her body, because that comes off as creepy. Instead, compliment her on something she's wearing and probably put a lot of thought into. Something she might be proud of. This would be like her outfit or her make-up. The more detail in your compliment, the better."
I wouldn't blame the "change in social norms", but the people who poisoned the well by using compliments as a foot in the door.
Other elements are lingering or prying. You don't need to force further engagement even if you're going to remain in the other person's proximity. Learn to give a compliment and then stand in it without reciprocation or followup. Might feel awkward at first but if you start with strangers you have nothing to lose. Be okay with them being okay with simply receiving a compliment. It might help if you can come to perceive small compliments as expressions of your own taste rather than simple flatteries. Every now and then, someone will say something more and then you'll have a conversation.
This is great advice. In my experience the difference between a kind stranger and a creep is the uncomfortable expectation of someone who feels entitled to further conversation simply because they’ve said something nice.
I'm married, a male friend of mine is married, and he's lost a lot of weight over the last few months. He looks great, honestly, but there's no way I would say that. It would be weird on both ends.
The nerds on this website, thinking "you're not as fat as you used to be" is romantic. :-)
in general, I think appearance-based compliments are best given sparingly and when you have enough context to be confident they will be received well. with strangers/acquaintances, compliments on skills or personality traits are much safer imo.
Most don't know how to take compliments and I think the main reason is, as in many other aspects of social life, insecurity. I don't return compliments immediately, and I have to explain why a few times: quite reluctantly, because if one gives a compliment in order to receive one back, it wasn't someone else's appreciation, but an exchange, a transaction. The way I typically respond to compliments in real life is to look the person giving me the compliment in the eye and say "thank you" or "thank you, I appreciate you noticing" or something similar. As usual, reading the room is essential, and being confident and charming in life is always a plus. But the main point is that I don't feel the need to give anything back when I give a compliment, and I don't need others to return a gift when I send one to them. Be the change (or behavior) you want to see, someone said. And if they don't understand how it works, who wants needy people around anyway?
When a man compliments a woman's appearance, it instantly raises the alarm that he is going to demand sex. Maybe that's not his intention, but she can't know that. It has happened to her enough times that she has to prepare herself for it. Which is exhausting.
It also helps to pay compliments in passing. Don't stick around waiting for her reply. It's not on her to thank you or even acknowledge you. If you will feel bad that she doesn't affirm you for having complimented her, then don't do it. A compliment that puts a burden on her, even a small one, is of no benefit.
Men have different experiences (and of course everything varies from person to person). But some of these dynamics still help. Men don't want to feel the compliment as a burden, either. So if you want to be the type of person who pays compliments, a passing "Hey, snazzy tie!" may work better for you.
And if somebody does say that to you, "Thanks!" is all you need. And no-response is also an option: if it wasn't, the compliment wasn't sincere.
Let me expand a bit. If you are good looking enough and classy enough, women appreciate anything you say. They don't object to non-vulgar appreciations of their body either. Like, "look at those great legs" is much better than, "look at that a..". But we all know it.
Unfortunately, one of the problems of the "how tos", guides on get better at "charisma", and comments one can read on HN, it is that they ignore the elephant in the room, which is the "quality" of the do-er. It is life, less theoretical and more practical that something one reads in books or listen to in podcast. But of course, reality rarely sells, but we all prefer to think there's this new insight or this new book that, just as the latest watermelon/pineapple diet to lose weight for the beach won't oust the chief role of calorie reduction in losing weight, will get us past simple truths, such as in-shape is better than not, beautiful is better than not beautiful, more educated is better than less educated, more charming is better than less charming, and money is better than no money. In anything one tries to do or achieve, including giving and receiving compliments.
"Quality" is a concept/trait that I studied at length in my academic research in biology, and it is difficult to treat since "circularity" (the animal got a better response because it is of better quality or it is a better quality because it got a better response?) makes it difficult to define the intrinsic or extrinsic nature of the causal effect.
But no social interaction is objectively good, it always depends on what the other person wants and how they perceive it. You're really focusing this around your desire to give a compliment, and not really considering the other person's desire to receive a compliment or not. Some people in some situations just don't want a stranger to come up and compliment them, or maybe talk to them at all, and it has nothing to do with you personally. Particularly on a train, you're not talking about at a cocktail party or something where the whole reason that everyone is there is to have social interactions. On the train some people just want to get to their destination and not receive compliments and that should be fine.
> where I'm briskly turned away for the audacity to talk to such a person
Oh the audacity, for someone to not want the same social interaction that you do!! Just because you're an extrovert doesn't mean everyone you come across needs to want to talk to you. Get over yourself!
But on the other hand, feeling avoided can be just as bad as feeling invaded. You're focusing on someone not wanting a stranger to talk to them, which does happen, but there's also the possibility that they are bored, or not socially anxious, and would like or not mind a brief interaction. You can't gauge what they feel about it until after you say the first thing, which is why the best approach is to say something without a lot of consequence, see their reaction, and then either leave them alone or keep talking depending on what preference they display.
But from the parent comment,
>To combat that and to not sound like I'm trying to strike up conversation, when I give compliments to strangers I do it casually and as I'm leaving their vicinity
It sounds like they understand the principle of not making people feel cornered very well.
It sounds like they found a way to continue to do the thing that other people are finding creepy, but not have to deal with the awkwardness that comes from sticking around long enough to see the other person's reaction.
Ironically, the fact that people associate confidence with being in the right is the exact bias that you-know-what group has learned to exploit.
Nobody is a mind reader. If your best response to someone trying to put positivity in the world is to tell them how badly they're fucking up, that says a lot more about you than it does about them.
Normal, well-adjusted people appreciate a genuine compliment and it can really brighten one's day. Grumpy people are going to be grumpy anyway. I am not going to let grumpy people hold me back, personally.
But all that said, thanks for at least providing a different perspective. Even if I do find it highly unagreeable.
Oftentimes, that's because a bad experience left a scorched trail starting at a normal interaction and continuing all the way to the bad place it ended up. That doesn't make the negative judgment accurate but it can make it understandable.
It’s kind of sad that society has become so litigious that even compliments are dangerous. But anyways, since people think compliments are creepy, I’ve started only giving them to close people.
Can you cite a case demonstrating that compliments are dangerous? Or was the training perhaps a product of the bubble-of-safety cargo cult HR cycle where there is a real behavior that us established as dangerous, this accurate information enters conventional wisdom, then to create a zone of safety around the dangerous area people are trained that the not only the dangerous behavior but other behaviors that bear some similarity are to be avoided, this becomes conventional wisdom of dangerous behavior, then to create a zone of safety people are trained that additional behaviors similar to those from the previous cycle are to be avoided, etc.
Take your pick of any sexual harassment lawsuit.
Employee walks by.
Boss: "Nice [body part]".
I’ve studied more than a few, both where liability was ultimately and where it wasn't. All of them—including the ones where no liability was found—involved mich more than that.
So, again, can you cite a case demonstrating that compliments are dangerous?
Probably more accurately: we were told not to give compliments on someone’s physical appearance. No?
i enjoyed the follow-on bit where HR suggested not complimenting the physical appearance, but still feel free to comment on it in a neutral way. Where did they see the next 30 seconds of that conversation going?
No. I’m not sure how you got the impression.
My point was that HR isn’t anti-compliment, they’re anti-compliments on people’s physical appearance, which includes haircuts.
I’m not commenting on wether that’s appropriate or not, but thought it was an important qualifier.
I was over-reading "more accurately"
Yes I agree with your interpretation of the motive behind the specific example.
During code reviews, I explicitly list all the things I like. During meetings, I'll restate someone's idea, then say why I like it. If I haven't seen someone for a while, maybe I'll say "Great to see you!"
Etc.
I don't know about that, my grandma keeps telling me what a handsome man I am :)
also a painful memory because at the time i was thinking about something else and might have flubbed my 'thanks!'
The regular person who you notice put a little bit of extra effort does need that compliment.
At least professionally it's easy to forget the progress others less experienced do, if you have walked that path long ago.
Who's given the compliment is, of course, a key factor. If it's a critical coworker, I'll be empowered by that. If it's a yes-person coworker, it's likely trite. If it's a friend who I've just power-sanded a deck for, it's appreciated. If it's a family member complimenting me on a sandwich (it happened recently!), it's uncomfortable.
Going on a bit of a tangent: I think giving "sincere and well-expressed" criticisms is just as, if not more, important.
Some of the most profound lessons I have learnt in life come in the form of criticisms from people who don't know me well or at all. As far as I can tell they all have this in common: they are not afraid to be honest and they make sure that I know they are just looking out for me.
> The effects of the flattery were dramatic, with 79% of the participants offering to help with the event publicity, compared with only 46% of participants in a control group, who had not received the compliment.
In contrast, and somewhat related to the quote above, I feel that compliments are just short term "hacks" and, at least to me, don't really shape me in any meaningful way.
How did the test avoid the fairly obvious effect that a compliment can often be a form of flirting and so might have been less to do with reciprocity as much as the person simply wanted to hang out with the likely quite sociable actor?
We've all run into people who use compliments to socially separate people ("thanks for not being overbearing like chris") or to try and push over work boundaries (telling a colleague "your pants make your butt look good" and then saying you were 'just trying to be nice'). I also think about the complicated patterns of noticing and reinforcing certain behaviors - I've been frustrated when I get compliments on things I didn't choose instead of the things I am trying to do. Not that the compliment is bad exactly - but it's a data point that suggests that my work may not be appreciated.
So my "strategy for safe compliments" goes like this:
- Don't compliment things you have no experience with (compliments mean more from peers and knowing the area helps avoid...)
- Don't compliment things that aren't stylistic choices or a demonstration of mastery (both of these things are difficult to identify outside of our own areas of experience)
- Focus your language on what you like about the style or efficacy of the other persons' work, not the person themselves ("I like that you did it like X" instead of "you're so competent" -or- "oh, I always struggle with that part - I'm impressed how quickly you did it"). This phrasing also can open conversations into mutually validating conversations about stylistic choices.
- Do not use universal language ("You do that really well"), use I language ("I'm impressed by how much detail you put into your comments"). I-language grounds the compliment in your own experience and makes it more of a conversation between you and the other person and less of a 'global statement about the world' kind of thing.
The heart of all of this is that we've all had the uncomfortable experience of having someone else admire something about us that we do not like. Those feelings are a fact of life, but we can avoid tripping over them in our personal and professional relationships while also speaking freely and enthusiastically about why we admire and appreciate those around us.
Edit: added I-language note
Obviously, compliments are great and it would be good to figure out how to deliver more genuine ones, but I think you can swing too far in the other way pretty easily.