With respect, you’re making contradictory statements. If you’re actually teetering on the edge of suicide, it’s time to quit. During hard times in my life when I’ve had to make these decisions, I have literally regarded them as a matter of survival. I am in one of those inflection points myself, as a matter fact. Right now my health is so bad that I’ve told my wife that to get my blood sugar and weight to a healthy level may require that we sell the house because I may not be able to keep my easy-to-run business running. That’s how astoundingly difficult it is for me to lose weight. (Admittedly we have a farm right nearby we can move into, but it will be, well, a bit rustic and very unfinished.) So I get it.
It might be time for you to go back to living with a few roommates and returning to some mindnumbing low pressure job or even moving back in with family members, if that is at all feasible. These are unpleasant solutions, but they are probably better than dying of a heart attack or killing yourself. This will give you time to design a new approach to your life.