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Comment by Aeolun | Hacker News Reader

Isn't this just caused by you leaving your 20's behind? At least for me I feel like I passed by my best years, and am only realizing it now.

By 60 I certainly hope to have accepted that, but right now it's still a bit hard.

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I suspect the confounding variable is that late 20’s/early 30’s is when most people have kids. Happiness levels improve in late 50’s when kids are out of the house.

Kids may be “a complete joy and the best thing you’ve ever done”, but they’re also a huge financial burden, source of stress, and limiter on doing what you wanna do.

For the record, I (op) do not have kids. I am however married and very happy with my marriage.

lean on her more. Rely on her for comfort and if she reciprocates, it will make you feel better. You and her against the world, bonnie and clyde vibes got me through a dark time in my life.

I don’t understand why this would get downvoted?

This is certainly a take.

My children, one of the greatest sources of pure, unadulterated, innocent joy, are the only reason I believe there is still good in the world and thankful that this floating rock continues to revolve around the sun so I get to enjoy them. The stress of the children and the hard work is so minuscule in comparison.

Got a better explanation?

I think it’s possible for both to be true. That kids give you unadulterated joy and also make you objectively worse off.

Generally, what I have seen, people report greater overall satisfaction with their lives if they have kids. Cant be bothered to dig up the data, but I have read about it a number of times over the years. However, deep in your 20s and 30s is when careers are taking off, kids are at their most demanding ages, etc. it’s rare to be fully established in your career when your kids are young. That means lower earnings. So, yeah, it’s stressful. It’s also rewarding. My kids are older now. They bring my joy and all that. My mid 20s were also really hard when my kids were born. I think its all pretty obvious. Kids are like type 2 fun more than type 1 for most people. I appreciate them and watching them develop was quite an amazing process, and it brought me a lot of satisfaction, but it was also hard. I think a lot of parents take umbrage at saying their kids made them worse off, it really depends on what criteria you are using? Financial? Life satisfaction? Other? Most parents probably don’t /feel/ worse off in a general way.

Yeah it depends how you ask the question.

Do you feel more fulfilled? Yes probably

Do you feel more stressed and struggling? D’oh

Typically we don’t equate “stressed, struggling, tired, and constantly drowning” as more happy. At least not in life satisfaction surveys I imagine

Sure, your mortgage is paid off and you're probably in a management or other upper level position with less job insecurity.

All of your ancestors raised children. We are machines, designed by nature to procreate.

The notion that one would be objectively better off by avoiding the very process that brought themself into being...seems unlikely to me.

Unless, we’re narrowly using the term “objectively better off” to mean what society seems to value: money, power, pleasure, etc. These things aren’t necessarily good for the organism in the way that having children is.

Hah, this is true. I’m going to keep this. By virtue of having children, I’m objectively better off than anyone that didn’t.

its not exactly true though.

happiness is related to the society you live in and your biology ... and other variables. its entirely possible that you can be both "objectively worse off/more stressed", which is generally considered to be a cause for unhappiness and still feel that the children were the best decision of your life.

its a complex topic and i dont think anyone can realistically generalize it.

there will be people that are actually unhappy because of them while still claiming happiness, as well as people that were unhappy until they finally had them.

I think constant exhaustion might have some effect on your satisfaction levels ;)

In my case, I’m also moving around a lot more, so I guess the added exercise compensates for the exhaustion in terms of effect on overall happiness.

Looked into this, since a lot of people would say this is crazy. But it turns out kids do seem to have a negative correlation with parental well-being. I found http://www.nber.org/papers/w25597 which takes a closer look at some of the possible reasons.

The article says kids make people (Europeans, anyway) happy except for the financial stress.

In the age we live in it is entirely socially acceptable to be living a 20s lifestyle in your 30s and beyond. Few people I know are tied down to much if anything and enjoy travel, sport, relationships for fun and all the things your 20s are known for.

Just much less binge drinking, which is honestly a blessing.

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