In life satisfaction surveys, your 30’s are the most miserable stressful part of life. Highest amount of responsibilities, lowest amount of consistent reward, and it keeps getting worse until your 40’s
Apparently it gets better again in your late 40’s and early 50’s. By 60 you’re as happy as you were at 20.
https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/scientists-just-discovered-mi...
(am 33 and also just ... tired)
One thing that has helped me immeasurably is taking up a hobby that gets me outside and doing some manual labor. I love gardening and I'd suggest it to anyone. I have shed several inches off my waistband since starting to garden and I find myself spending considerably less time in front of the computer screen just wasting time.
And told me that pain was actually a good indicator that one is pushing too hard with exercise.
I mean at the end of the work day, I shut my computer... and that's it. After my lawn is mowed, I can look out and enjoy how it looks. Hell, I can work 10+ hours outside doing boring terrible tasks, shovel ditches, spread bark, weedwhacking the blackberries... but man does it feel great. I used to hate this stuff so much. Give me a paintbrush and let me go paint the shed, or build some crappy shelf to organize things.
Though I realize ageism is a thing. One of my 60+ coworkers has basically been told they’re too old for any sort of advancement.
By 60 I certainly hope to have accepted that, but right now it's still a bit hard.
Kids may be “a complete joy and the best thing you’ve ever done”, but they’re also a huge financial burden, source of stress, and limiter on doing what you wanna do.
My children, one of the greatest sources of pure, unadulterated, innocent joy, are the only reason I believe there is still good in the world and thankful that this floating rock continues to revolve around the sun so I get to enjoy them. The stress of the children and the hard work is so minuscule in comparison.
I think it’s possible for both to be true. That kids give you unadulterated joy and also make you objectively worse off.
Do you feel more fulfilled? Yes probably
Do you feel more stressed and struggling? D’oh
Typically we don’t equate “stressed, struggling, tired, and constantly drowning” as more happy. At least not in life satisfaction surveys I imagine
The notion that one would be objectively better off by avoiding the very process that brought themself into being...seems unlikely to me.
Unless, we’re narrowly using the term “objectively better off” to mean what society seems to value: money, power, pleasure, etc. These things aren’t necessarily good for the organism in the way that having children is.
happiness is related to the society you live in and your biology ... and other variables. its entirely possible that you can be both "objectively worse off/more stressed", which is generally considered to be a cause for unhappiness and still feel that the children were the best decision of your life.
its a complex topic and i dont think anyone can realistically generalize it.
there will be people that are actually unhappy because of them while still claiming happiness, as well as people that were unhappy until they finally had them.
In my case, I’m also moving around a lot more, so I guess the added exercise compensates for the exhaustion in terms of effect on overall happiness.
Just much less binge drinking, which is honestly a blessing.
I don't take enjoyment from being around kids, playing with kids or any kind of interaction with them, it makes me feel broken but I simply can't. Not even with my niece, my sisters get a lot of joy out of simply being around her, for me it's a massive energy drain, and it's been like that with every kid I had to be close to due to family or friends ties.
I'm so tired of feeling this way, now getting into my early to mid-30s and having to explain to people over and over that I do understand the ones who want kids, the ones who get enjoyment out of them, but I don't, at all. I never have and it's only got more cemented over time.
Lately I just put a façade of telling that someone's kid is cute, etc., as it's the social norm. If I was being very honest I'd just say that I don't enjoy kids, don't mind hanging out with people who have kids when they are around but I don't get any energy from having to interact with them.
I've actively tried to change and engage more with kids for a few years, this dread never went away, it's not only I don't take enjoyment but it saps something out of me, it's quite strange as I don't feel that strongly against anything else considered normal in life...
To say that I “softened” after my son came would be wrong as it didn’t feel like I was being emotionally “hard” before (as would be the stereotype for men). Something just changed and now I see/feel joy around young children (even if another part of my brain is saying god damn, they’re a lot of work).
Edit: All that said - try to stand on your own two feet. If you want to explore negative mindsets about kids, consider seeing a therapist. A good friend of mine made great strides sorting out his own hang ups with his childhood/his parents and is now a happy (tired) father. If you just don’t want kids - well, who gives a shit. Find a partner who doesn’t want kids.
Then I had a kid... and nothing changed about other kids. I still don't know them and I still feel awkward around them. But I do know my kid. He likes spending time with me and I like spending time with him, even though it can be boring/tiring sometimes.
Before that, crying/arguing kids (of e.g. friends) always gave me headaches and i never knew what to talk with them or how to interact.
Also when my wife told me she was pregnent, all i felt was 'Ok, now the ... starts' - i did not enjoy the news.
But in hospital, when my daughter was born and i sat in a chair holding here sleeping on my arms for the first time - it changed 180°. I constantly had a smile on my face and felt warmth and the need to protect here.
I also enjoy beeing around other peoples kids now and i am more open to "little jokes" to make them smile.
So it seemed to be a biological barrier for me, which i needed to be taken over by my daughter to switche to "parent-mode".
It is also quite funny to see the faces of colleagues (without kids) and how they react to kids-stories. It was the same for me before i had my own.
Children, after about 3, are so much simpler to be around than adults. Though it can be draining at times if you have too many youngsters around, but your mind is chewing on an adult problem. What really gets the chemistry going is when you run into one where you see them running into the same problems you did growing up, or who has similar problems. The matching communication style but different origins make the entire experience somehow reinvigorating. Like a karmic balloon for your heart by helping someone avoid exactly retracing the life lessons you learned the hard way, and sometimes, they teach you a nugget of wisdom you'll kick yourself for not having caught..
Even if they aren't mine biologically, being a good (kind, wise, intelligent, enpathetic, independent responsible, creative, critical thinking, contributing person) is learned behavior, that the teaching is not straightforward for, but watching the lightbulb come on is one of the few things keeping me getting out of bed these days.
Sort of like seeing your younger self in some kid and your advice being the cheat code.
Hao! Hao.
Interestingly, when asking people how happy they are on a scale of 1 to 10 without bringing children into the picture what you see is that people without children are always happier.
What I'm thinking is this. People are generally unhappier with children but certain things in the brain block most people from realizing it. How effective this block is depends on how unhappy you actually are. A person in poverty will be more self aware of the unhappiness brought on by their two screaming kids then the rich person. Not all people have this thing in the brain.
I suspect you rate high on psychopathy so you're able to see truth where other people's views are clouded and deluded by an endorphin rush. Like I mentioned you should also ask yourself how rich you are, but I think this is irrelevant to you given how you mentioned you derive zero energy from being with kids.
People should never have kids 'just because'. If you want to raise a family, you should do it deliberately and have a reason why you WANT to have kids. Otherwise you end up being a resentful asshole and treat your kids like garbage. I know it's the best thing in the world for a lot of people... but for a lot of people, let's be honest, it's not. Not wanting kids doesn't make you an asshole, it makes you human with different goals and desires from other people.
I get aches and pains from everything, though. My back is still aching from weeding a week and a half ago.